Really shitty situation

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Me and my DH would like another baby. My nine year old DD is dead against it to the point I found her crying in her room this evening. I hate to see her this upset however I've been getting so upset and tearful lately at wanting another child. On our holiday I spent a whole evening in tears because of how much I want another.
It's a ridiculous situation as both me and DH are interested in another baby but how can I make my DD so unhappy?
What can we do?

[PenelopePitstops]

Why the fuck are you letting a 9yp have any say about whether you have another baby!?

If I were you I'd just present it to her as ta dah you'll have a little brother or sister soon.

This is not a discussion you have with a 9yo ffs.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

It is not up to DD to decide, it really isn't. She's nine, by the time the baby's here she'll be at least ten, by the time the baby is a toddler she'll be off having her own life and probably wont even remember being such a little drama queen.

She can decide how many children she has.

YOU get to decide how many you have.

If she's anything like most kids, she'll have done a u turn by the time it's here and if she doesn't she will have to learn that the world does not, in fact, revolve around her and her alone. That other people have wants and needs too.

Of course you will go out of your way to make her feel special and not left out etc, that goes without saying. You will also need to reassure her that just because the baby is both your and your DH's (I'm assuming he's not her Dad) it wont make the baby any more special to either of you, if that's what she's worried about.

[rootypig]

Is she aware of your upset? two people in a family upset about the same thing - this is not a coincidence. Is her unhappiness a reflection of yours?

Agree with Penelope, that this should not be up for discussion with her - a 9 year old should not have to bear the responsibility and stress of even considering, let alone contributing to the decision.

Why are you in tears because you want another? are you struggling to conceive? or is it the opposition you have created with your daughter?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Yes my DH is her Dad

[AnyFucker]

what ?

[CaptainAnkles]

Should've presented it as a fait accompli not had a discussion about it.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

I think 9 year old's are a tad self centred and can't always put other people's needs before their own (not all are like this though). I'm with Penelope. If that's what you want, just do it. She'll get over it.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Is she an 'only'?
Of course she doesn't want to share you.
But, and it's a big one (!) siblings are lifelong friends for the most part really even if they don't think they are when they're younger.
She has no part in the discussion. Stop talking to her about it, and do what you and DH want.

[HazleNutt]

What can you do? Have another baby, if you want one. It really isn't up to a 9-year old to discuss and decide.

[Quitelikely]

Absolutely ridiculous. Go ahead with the plans to conceive and explain to her that you will be on hand to discuss any concerns she has. End of.

In future don't consult her over these sort of decisions.

[TheRealMaryMillington]

It really isn't her decision, and involving her in that decision is - I think -actually pretty unkind.

It will probably be the best thing that ever happens to her.

[Hassled]

She's probably not upset about the baby - I'd imagine she has at least some idea that sex = babies and the thought of her parents having sex is what's upsetting her. It might help to have a bit of a birds and bees discussion, stressing that sex in a loving relationship is normal and natural.

Agree that if you want another child, you should go for it.

[Haffdonga]

sharon when I was nine for some bizarre misguided reason I told my parents I desperately wanted to go to boarding school. They took me seriously and sent me. I have never forgiven them. They should have known that at 9 I couldn't possibly understand the lifelong repercussions of my choice.

Don't let your child make adult choices that she should not be held responsible for.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I haven't discussed it with her but she's at an age where she over hears everything and has kept saying she would hate a baby and would leave home. She has a brother who she loves and is vile too intermittently. She's being very hard work at the moment if I'm blatantly honest

[AnyFucker]

sharon, she should know nothing about your plans/dilemmas to conceive another child

this is grown up stuff and she should not be exposed to it

no wonder she is acting out

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Blimey haffdonga that's awful.

Agree with others it was a mistake to include your dd in discussions about whether to have another child or not. In your position I would drop all discussions about it and not mention again until such time as you are pregnant if you decide to go for it.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Oh sorry cross post

[gildedlily]

Oh dear. I can remember being very upset when my parents told 9 year old me (not asked me) they were having another baby. I quite like her now

[madwomanbackintheattic]

How on earth does a nine year old 'overhear' her parents discussing whether to try for another baby?

I think you need to be a little more continent with your emotions and not break down in front of her on holiday because you so desperately want another baby. Or get some counselling if you can't, because the problem here is you, not your dd. you are trying to fix the wrong problem.

Now that you have caused the situation, you have allowed her in on the action. It should have been nothing to do with her at all, but now you have involved her. Which means you have to work with her to fix it, if you intend to have any more children. It's probably unwise now.

How on earth do you get in such a state that you are breaking down and crying about this, on multiple occasions, such that you have freaked out a 9yo?? Have you and dh been arguing about it? Doesn't he want another? Or do you know it's a stupid decision in your head, but your heart is telling you otherwise?

I think you need to deal with your own feelings and behaviours around this decision before you look to your daughter. Your behaviour has her convinced that this is a terrible idea.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

She didn't see me crying on holiday I went to the room for an early night. I'm not going to mention it again and if it happens it happens and we will deal with it then

[PenelopePitstops]

Stop talking about it anywhere near her.

Tbh this would be a safeguarding concern the amount she is exposed to adult decision making. How is she even overhearing this stuff? It all sounds very emotionally charged. Are you sure you are right to bring another child into this.

[BitchPeas]

I'm amazed you are even paying attention, she's 9!!

You will do her no favours if you pander to this ridiculousness.

Grow a back bone and get upduffed if you want.

[rootypig]

sharon WHY were you crying? because of your concern about your daughter's reaction? if you think she's not aware of that you're dreaming.

You've started a thread about your daughter's opposition to a sibling and now are trying to argue that you haven't involved her inappropriately If that were the case, she'd have no bloody clue you are even considering another child. You need to get a grip. The responsibility she is being given in the family is making her more miserable than a sibling ever could.

[AnyFucker]

that's more like it

you do need to get a grip, sorry

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Penelope wtf? A safeguarding concern as she hears me and my husband occasionally talking about babies?
Jesus Christ I work with lots of safeguarding situations and that's bloody ludicrous