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How the FUCK am i supposed to do this?????

(25 Posts)
chloecorey Tue 11-Nov-14 01:35:19


Before i get flamed i knownits y fault my baby is in my bed. Not sayin its a bad thing but was never my intentions.

Anywaysss my baby gets in my bed in the middle if the night EVERY night. He will not go to sleep if he is not in my arm or with a bottle.

After eing soooo fed up i told my health visitor on her last visit, and she sent a woman to talk me through how to stop this.

She said i should put him back in his cot and leave him to cry, go back and confort him for a minute, leave again. Never leave him for over 4 minutes. The first night will take him about 20 mins to get to sleep. After 4 nights i wont have to do this again.

Tonight was the first night blush
Hes cried now for over an hour, iv now give up and he is in my bed. I would normally cope but he got SO worked up it was horrible. He had tears, face was bright red, probably gunna have a sore throat tomorrow with the screaming.

So my question is this.

If this is professional help iv received and this hasnt work what the FUCK am i meant to do? I am so tired as i get paranoid when hes in my bed and dont really sleep.

Tips or help pleaseeeeeee! blush

chloecorey Tue 11-Nov-14 01:45:53

The unessacery use of the word 'fuck' is due to it being nearly 2am, tiredness and stress smile im usually so polite grin

LuisCarol Tue 11-Nov-14 02:33:28

Sooo. 1)sleep deprivation is hell, and has sent me to the brink of MH problems and waay over the brink of physical problems. Swearing is barely on the register. Let it out, it's what we're here for.

2) You are awesome.

3) How old is ds?

4) You are awesome.

5) 4 minutes 20 minutes 4 nights... mine didn't go to that programming school either, sorry.

6) You are awesome.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 11-Nov-14 02:44:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerSkin Tue 11-Nov-14 03:32:45

I agree with lucid' points 2, 4, & 6

What do you want to do?

No doubt the answer is: have a full nights sleep

How can you achieve that?
Allow DS to sleep in your bed tonight and don't stress about it.

If he's toddler age, begin talking to him about it. If he's a baby, do it safety, make the bed comfy for you so you can sleep

FrozenYogurt Tue 11-Nov-14 04:10:59

My DS is two now and has only just started sleeping through the night in his own bed. He still comes into our room at times and if we're really tired we just let him sleep with us.

We started co-sleeping when he was about six months and had been waking every two hours since birth throughout the night. Co-sleeping was the only thing that kept me from completely losing it (I also had a very lively, early waking toddler, which meant I just didn't ever catch up on my sleep).

The only thing that worked for us is this technique called Parental Presence, which entails putting him down in his own bed and sleeping in his room with him, on the floor. It took us about a week and shhshhing him and patting whenever he started waking up. He then started sleeping the whole night in his own bed!

It's not perfect, but works most of the time. I feel like a new person!

Scroll down to the bottom of this list to find the section on Parental Presence:

I found I didn't have the heart for CC or CIO - plus I had another child who would wake up when he made a racket.

Sleep deprivation is just awful, I am a firm believer in doing whatever it takes to get YOU through the night, if that means co-sleeping then so be it. It won't affect your child and won't be forever!

Good luck.

FrozenYogurt Tue 11-Nov-14 04:16:27

P.s tips for co-sleeping:

You and DH sleep on either side of bed with pillows turned sideways (to create a big space between you. Duvet pushed down to your waists, and separate blankets for you both. Then place your DC in the middle - a separate blanket over them or better still a sleeping bag that won't fall off or move.
I found once I knew he couldn't accidentally fall out of bed/be smothered with duvet, etc. I slept much better.

polster1 Tue 11-Nov-14 04:25:07

5 month old here we co- sleep have done since birth, i just make sure we do safely. i have a co-sleeper bednest but he still ends up in my bed! Only awake now as huge nappy change amd feeding him sitting up. I normally feed him
lying down and kip off as he's feeding. It works for us and means I can function, although quite stiff in the morming. Do what works for you and you're comfortable with.

Thumbwitch Tue 11-Nov-14 04:41:53

Can't help with how to persuade klingon baby to sleep elsewhere - mine wouldn't either! But agree that you need to relax with baby in the bed.

I slept with both of mine and still do with DS2 - DH refused to get involved as the bed was too small, and he "doesn't do tiredness well" and "needs his sleep because he WORKS" so he sleeps elsewhere. I have a sheet, blanket and duvet on my bed, but never cover the baby with the duvet EVER, only the sheet and blanket if they'll accept it. Keep pillows away from them, I slept on my back or side when they were tiny, with my arm stretched out above their heads - that way there wasn't a chance that I could roll on them without dislocating my shoulder. I have the bed up against the wall with rolled towels shoved down the gap (frame bed), and pillows along the open edge, but he usually sleeps near the wall.

I did manage to get DS1 into a cot at ~6m, but only by feeding him to sleep and oh-so-slowly lowering him into the cot, which had to be prewarmed until I got a sleepingbag for him; all done in darkness and silence.
DS2 - nae chance - because he just wouldn't.

Couldn't leave either of mine to cry for that long either, it was dreadful and DS1 would fall asleep hanging over the bars of the cot hmm; and DS2 stops breathing, passes out and doesn't start again (he probably would after a while, but I never wait!) so that was a non-starter.

sometimesyouwin Tue 11-Nov-14 04:49:20

Venting is sometimes healthy so let it out! I can't help on the sleep front but in terms of sleeping arrangements, have you thought about having the cot as a sidecar? We took the side off and pushed it up against the bed. It means I don't have to get up in the night to settle DS but it also gives me the space I need to toss and turn and get to sleep.

WiggleGinger Tue 11-Nov-14 05:08:44

Tiredness is a bitch
You are doing great
If you don't mind having baby in your bed the how about a bed guard? Put baby between you and the guard so effectively you sleep in the middle.
Then out him in a gro bag and keep covers pillows to your side

boopdoop Tue 11-Nov-14 05:08:56

As others said, if you can feel safe cosleeping then great, and we did for 2 months but then we had to stop cosleeping / feeding to sleep as DH couldn't sleep properly with DS in bed, and DS had 6 teeth and was biting me as feeding, which was agony. And about 5-7 times a night. Plus he was rolling so if I went to the loo or wanted to settle him before I went to bed I didn't feel safe leaving him on my bed. He reached 6 months so we decided to move him into his own room.

If I'd done this even a week or two earlier I'd have given in but had hit breaking point and knew things had to change.

We didn't want to leave him to cry so stayed in the room with him. Night 1 was 2 hours crying, night 2 was 55 mins, night 3 was 20 mins.

Then it was resettling him later in night - night 1 was 40 mins, then down to 20 mins.

It was really hard but within a day DS was happier during day as he was less tired so it felt right.

2 months later he settles with no crying. He's still waking 2-4 times a night (2 months later) which is tiring but sometimes he settles with a cuddle and couple of mins cry, sometimes a feed, sometimes a bit longer cry, never longer than 10 mins.

Interestingly DS sleeps better (longer and less moving around) if he's had a little cry as he falls to sleep.

The thing that helped us was writing it down, even changed in cry (angry cry, settling cry, etc so you can see how long it's been - sometimes gelt like forever but had only been 6 mins.

Also found this article really helpful (saw posted on a similar post on here). It's long but worth reading as I found it freat, esp stuff on types of crying:

Hope that helps a bit. Hope it improves for you.

boopdoop Tue 11-Nov-14 05:38:58

Just to say, not trying to persuade you to go down the crying route, but wanted to give some advice from my experience as I found that helpful we did it. If you can do it without then great.

Forgot to say in post above, when we were with him and he was crying, we'd be reassuring ("it's ok, we love you, time for sleep"), ssshhing, stroking back etc. If he got very distressed we'd pick him up, cuddle till calm, then back into cot. I guess our own version of PUPD. But it depends on how old your child is as to what will work best if you do end up going down this route.

Also, my understanding is that consistency is key for them to learn it, so we had to decide to do it and then go for it and stick with it even when it felt really tough.

Do you have DP who can help. I couldn't have done it on my own. My DH is away a lot so we did it in s week he was around, so I had support and we could take it in turns plus be there together sometimes. If not is there anyone else, family member etc who can give a couple of nights to help you? Maybe start at s weekend so that DP or whoever isn't then having to go into work the next morning after the first couple of harder nights.

And could they take your little one for a bit during the day for a couple of days so you can get a bit of sleep? I found even getting a couple of hours helped. No family sound for us and DH away so much so don't get it often but does make me feel I can cope more when I do!

QTPie Tue 11-Nov-14 09:56:42

How old is your baby?

DS was a great sleeper until bad teething (13 to 19 months). When he woke during the night, we went to him rather than have him in with us (do he stays in his own sleeping environment, keeps familiar and comfortable with it and we can withdraw at a later stage). We put a spare mattress, pillow and duvet on the floor next to DS's cot: holding his hand through the bars and shushing sufficed to comfort him. DH and I took it in turns to go (one night on, one might off) - so the other could get a good night's sleep. Whoever was with DS would doze or try to sleep. If DS fell deeply asleep again (and didn't keep waking), then would sneak back to my own bed. When DS stopped teething, he started sleeping through again and we didn't have to go in.


chloecorey Tue 11-Nov-14 13:59:41

Thank you for all the replies! I ended up falling asleep with phone in hand and been busy today besides being knackered!

Hes 11 months now and teething. I tried the cot-to-bed one as we have a low bed and it just makes it a giant bed, i saw this as pointless though as he was never in the cot bit just our bed grin.

I really dont mind him being in with us , its just that there no room and hes a funny sleeper (kicks in his sleep/throws himself about/lies akward) really wriggly.

Its just wasier i suppose to have himin our bed.

Yes i do have a DP but he works mon-fri but told him to get in the spare bed as i dont want him being knackered. I sometimes nap with DS through the day so i dont mind being up.

Thanks for all the tips im going to look through the links now, sorry if iv nt responded to anyone the posts are long but i Have taken it all in.

The 'you are awsome' posts litrally made my day and put a massive smile on my face THANK YOU! thanks

chloecorey Tue 11-Nov-14 14:01:02


DP is very good he did want to stay up but i told him not too, he also does weekend sleeps with DS to give me a break. He really is lovely smile

HedgehogsDontBite Tue 11-Nov-14 19:19:43

This thread saved my sanity and got DS sleeping properly in his cot within a week (mostly):

chloecorey Tue 11-Nov-14 19:53:03

thank you ill have a read!

clairemarie5 Wed 12-Nov-14 17:11:15

My son is 20 months old now and gets out of bed every night at 1am and gets into my bed, if I'm still awake by the time he falls asleep I will put him back in his bed but he'll still be up again between 5 and 7 climbing in for his morning juice.. its drives me CRAZY. as I younger baby he slept with me a lot an it was fine as he was small and barely moved, we both slept through all jig, but since going in the cot and now toddler bed he's up every night.. I still haven't figured out the fool proof way of keeping him in his room but heyho... just do whatever gets you the most sleep!

clairemarie5 Wed 12-Nov-14 17:12:00

All jig?? That was meant to say all night hmm

chloecorey Wed 12-Nov-14 20:35:12

Claire I think I'm going too just do that,just get as much sleep as possible. maybe ill try again after Christmas.

PoppyWearer Wed 12-Nov-14 20:40:33

1) ignore professional woman. Trust your instincts.

2) refer to PP - yes, you are awesome. You made a human being and have kept him alive for 11 months. That's amazing!

3) do whatever the fuck you need to do to get enough sleep to function. Co-sleep. Just do it. Trust your instincts. Remember that cave women didn't have health visitors, and somehow managed.

4) see 2

5) repeat until you have the energy to Do Something About It or your DC starts sleeping through.

6) see 2 again.


frankiebuns Fri 14-Nov-14 21:52:03

My ds did this for 2 years. This is what we did and still do he goes to sleep in our bed and we put him in his bed once asleep if he wakes he gets back in with us he had a bottle and once asleep again

hiccupgirl Fri 14-Nov-14 22:25:25

Agree with poppywearer

My DS is nearly 5 (years not months!) and at least once a week still appears in our bed in the middle of the night because he's scared or had a nightmare. Sometimes we all just doze off together, sometimes we try to resettle him in his bed but if he appears a 2nd time, DH goes in his bed and DS sleeps with me. I value my sleep far too much to faff around with keeping him in his bed when he needs comfort and he won't do it forever.

peppajay Sun 16-Nov-14 13:16:15

Do what you feel is right and if you want to co-sleep do it, as long as it is done safely. Co sleeping was never for me as I worried about getting them in their own bed later so I never did it. However I did the controlled crying thing with my son when he was 18 months as he was still breastfeeding through the night which he didn't need as was on 3 meals a day. So one night I just let him cry and I mean cry for literally 3 hours, so so hard because he was getting so distressed - I went in and said ssh ssh every half hour or so but never picked him up he eventually fell asleep exhausted and he never woke for the breast again in the night. He is a fantastic sleeper now and never wakes in the night and has never been in our bed in the night (our choice though and totally respect those who don't mind bed sharing I am just a bit selfish, my bed is mine and theirs is theirs!!!) but I was determined I wanted the breastfeeding to stop so I stuck it through. You can only do what you feel is right and if you are really determined you don't want to co sleep and get a full nights sleep then I believe the controlled crying is the method that works because it worked for me and I think it does work but you have to be very thick skinned and determined. Hope you get it sorted and what ever you decide will be right as it is your baby. Good luck!!

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