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Carry on from yesterday - my not so 'D'P

(20 Posts)
ShortStumps Sun 02-Nov-14 14:04:30

Well, last thread was deleted. I still am amazed at the support from everyone. Thanks thanks

I must be throwing of vibes. 'D'P didn't get up AT ALL yesterday, apart from an hour at about 8pm. Literally just stayed in bed. Slept. I went to bed about 2 but couldn't sleep so slept on the sofa. I felt her come in and kiss me, and just stand over me for a bit (wanna say I heard her cry, or sniffle?!) I 'stayed' asleep and 'D'P just kept stroking my face etc. I got up about 6 and went to bed, and just couldn't bring myself to touch 'D'P

Anways, up with the kids this morning, been quiet & fine. 'D'P just got up (13.55) and saw my DD has on 'D'P's headphones. The look 'D'P threw my DD was unreal. All because DD has on her headphones. 'D'P not spoken a word to me, my DD or her DS. She went toilet and back into her bedroom, making sure the door was properly closed. DS & DD just looked at me and carried on what they were doing. 'D'P will wait now for me to go in and smile & cuddle her etc. I don't know. All I know is that being a single parent is SO much easier than being in a relationship.

Luckily the kids have caught a break with her not being up. Makes everyones lives easier.

I just keep thinking of all things, why hate on a 9year old? Why does she feel so much venom against her?

I can also feel the freedom of not picking up after everyone all the time. Washing up, cleaning, cooking etc. I feel like a modern day, underpaid nanny.

attheendoftheday Sun 02-Nov-14 22:09:26

I didn't read your other thread, but didn't want to read and run. It sounds horrible, for you and your little one. Is there a reason you're together?

Sorry if I've missed integral information by not having read the other thread!

QOD Sun 02-Nov-14 22:23:01

She's jealous

does she work?

pictish Sun 02-Nov-14 22:25:12

I missed your other thread too. Hope you're ok.

ShortStumps Sun 02-Nov-14 23:05:30

QOD no she doesn't work. She has FMS, so its difficult for her to get up most days, especially with the meds she is on

I think its become this habit now to be together. I have, over the years, fallen out with my friends & family. I literally have no one, and nor does she. When any problem has come up regarding my DD, 'D'P has responded that its all DD's fault and that I'm looking to much into it all. That DD needs to learn and her favourite quote at the moment is 'You need to be harsher'

basgetti Sun 02-Nov-14 23:34:13

I read your other thread. It was very upsetting, your partner is abusing your DD horrifically. I hope you can start protecting your child, fgs you were going to put her in care to please your P. If you aren't able to remove yourself from this relationship quickly and safely then you need to contact SS or other outside agencies for help as your child deserves far better than she has been getting.

SageSeymour Mon 03-Nov-14 00:07:46

What action are you taking to protect your child? Or do you just like talking about it?

FrauHelga Mon 03-Nov-14 00:09:16

I read your other thread, I think. Were you not planning to leave? Or am I thinking of someone else?

Foxbiscuitselection Mon 03-Nov-14 00:15:45

Lemon here again. Glad you managed to get through another day. I hope you manage to make a smooth escape this week

ShortStumps Mon 03-Nov-14 00:53:10

SageSeymour My DD is back at school as from tomorrow, I have sorted her after school clubs out & for her to be round her friends houses 3 times this week so I can prepare to go. I will be gone by this weekend, so she the arrangements are more that suitable and therefor am protecting my child. I do not just like talking about it! Talking and getting responses from some amazing, caring people on here have made me realize that talking about it has made ME wake up and to realize that this is control and abusive. So now, I am not waiting 4 months to go. Or 2 years. I am waiting for the next few days. Which , with what I have already got sorted is pretty bloody good.
I am back on here 'talking' about it because people here have private messaged me asking me to be here. Because here is the only place (with still being judged) that I can breathe, talk and feel like I have a friend or 2 which I haven't had for a very very long time. And maybe, if I had found MN along time ago, I wouldn't be in this position now!! So yes, I think I have answered both of your questions now.

FrauHelga Yes, I am still leaving. I have a secret phone call with SS tomorrow, and also my sisters FIL to sort times/places etc. I have half packed my stuff ready to bolt, but need to be smart about it all first.

Hi Lemon smile I am determined to . Without the help from people on here, I would never have thought my life could be this shit and clouded like it is. I had a private message the other day from someone who lives near me, with their mobile number and a place to stay if SS can't help asap. Couldn't believe the kindness of her. I don't know her name, just that she is there for me if needs be. Which is amazing! I can hold out until at least the weekend, seeing as DD is out every night til late, and 'D'P is taking her medication, which means she will be in bed most of the time. I am struggling to find my bank details & passports at the moment. I'm not sure whether she has hid them?! hmm I don't want an argument or something to explode, hence why I am taking my time. Because I need to do it when 'D'P is asleep. Which is difficult but rather slow and steady than her interrupt me and DD on our escape. SS say they can try and sort me a car out to come get me that can park out the back. So I can literally put my DD in the car, grab everything and go! But it all takes planning now.

Just to clarify, my DD will NOT be around my 'D'P at all this week. I get up at 7, DD at school at 8 and out til about 7-7.30 everyday, where she will be fed and stuff. So when she comes home, its bed. I will still get time in to talk to her, as the walk home from where she will be is about 15 min walk. So I still get to spend time with her which is what I want to. She will not be completely ignored by me! I have made that mistake for so long now. I am doing everything I can to control this situation my way

LoveBeingGetAGrip Mon 03-Nov-14 01:06:19

Good for you, I Agree planning is important. I think it also ensures you not only do it but stick to it. I just left my partner and had planned set a date and now I am gone. It feel so good.

ShortStumps Mon 03-Nov-14 01:40:26

I'm hoping things improve for me & DD straight away, which I think they will.

Foxbiscuitselection Mon 03-Nov-14 10:12:50

Sounds a good exit plan. I wonder if she has your bank details and passport, where's she's keeping them?

vitabrits Mon 03-Nov-14 10:21:59

Why was the previous thread deleted?

maccie Mon 03-Nov-14 10:31:38

Glad to hear your plans are coming together. Be very careful that your partner doesn't sense a change in your attitude. It sounds like you have taken steps to minimise the time your dd spends around your partner which can only be a good thing but I am really concerned about your partners ds being left with her once you have escaped. Do you think she would turn her anger onto him once she no longer has your dd to blame and vent over ? Could you not explain this to SS if they are removing you from the situation then he will be vulnerable and alone with her.

The last thread was deleted as there was a lot of specific detail in it about plans to escape

ShortStumps Mon 03-Nov-14 16:26:26

I'm still all prepared to leave. I'm going to report our passports as lost&/stolen if I cannot find them. Not going to let it worry me to much. I have been normal with 'D'P and we have laughed and joked etc, and I look at her and think WHY??? Why could she not be this loving, affectionate type of person? Why she can't be that way. Then I start to feel sad, and think, my god I love her. Then that goes into, "Oh, she hasn't been up all day, kids are happy, I'm not stressed, everythings done (housework wise) , I cannot wait to have it like this everyday when I leave" So them voices are being a lot louder in that respect. Like now, again its 16.14, and she is asleep still. I've popped on here quickly before I have to go to the shops & cook dinner for DD's return. It used to bother me so much her being asleep and me being a 'single mum' but now its like the situation is helping me, and reminding myself I can be a single mum, and I'm gonna be! It's just a little battle in my head, which I will over come, because all I think to myself it's such a shame she is this way. Such a shame sad
Regarding DS, his nan is going to step in, and either take him full time, or possibly move in with 'D'P to help out. She is a good woman, and will take full control of them both to sort some happy medium out between them. But the thing is, she is great with him believe it or not. She doesn't shout at him, or make him feel unwelcomed. She kisses/cuddles/says I love you to him countless times a day. He literally can do NO WRONG in her eyes. She states that DS has more maturity than DD will ever have, and will boast & brag about how well DS is doing in school life, activity life etc. She never gets bored of talking about him. I know thats so strange to read, but it is true. If he feels 'sick' omg! She runs round like a blue ass fly to all of his needs, mothers him the lot! He's allowed in to our bedroom at 8am Saturday morning to wake me up, but fuck if DD is allowed to! But I think DS has realized 'D'P hates DD and uses it against her. He will grass on DD, make up lies, makes DD raise her voice then plays all innocent. If he knows 'D'P is in a bad mood with DD that day, he will go flat out to make it worse because then he knows DD will get grounded and he gets to lay with Mummy.
'D'P will need support from people with regards to him getting to school on time and just general housekeeping (because of the meds) but how she generally is around him, if DD isn't here, life for DS is amazing.('D'P is known to buy DS stuff without DD or me knowing and them both keeping it a secret too)
Wow, I was only meant to type a little response out and its turned into a massive paragraph. Sorry about that!
still getting used to MN and some peoples comments really get to me still so I don't want people to think I am not doing anything about this all, and just wanna talk about it

SageSeymour Mon 03-Nov-14 22:42:56

I think people are just shocked that you could have subjected your daughter to all of this abusive nonsense for so long. It's literally staggering to me - and I'm no parenting paragon of virtue. Makes me uncomfortable to read about it all so I think I'll stop.

Please just put your child first

Foxbiscuitselection Mon 03-Nov-14 23:20:33

Stay strong. Not long to go. You can do this for your DD

Foxbiscuitselection Thu 06-Nov-14 19:33:43

How are plans going?

maccie Fri 07-Nov-14 09:48:20

Hi short. How are you holding up ? It must be very hard to know your escape is so close now but to still need to act like normal until you can go.

Try not to take people's comments to heart right now. It is very hard for anyone who hasn't been in that situation to understand just how much your mind can be warped by someone who is abusive into accepting things that you would never have tolerated otherwise.

I had a friend in pretty much the same situation. It was low level criticism aimed against her son. Gradually increasing over time. He got his hooks into my friend when she was at a very low point in her life. He seemed like he was giving "helpful" advice, offering new approaches to deal with her ds's behaviour, which was all just normal childhood stages. She had a moment of clarity one day and could just see it for what it was. She said that it was like someone had removed the blinkers from her eyes and she could see exactly what he had been doing all along. He was gone that day and it took a while for him to get the message that this was over and she was never gonna fall for it again but she did it.

She was very shocked that she could have ever bought into what he was playing at and felt she had let her son down as she was compromising on her own beliefs in what was best for her son. However, she had the support of her family and friends around her and had not been isolated from them despite his efforts. Please don't blame yourself for being in a relationship with an abusive person as it won't help you right now. Continue with your plans to get out and make a new life for yourself and your daughter. There will be plenty of time in the future for recriminations and as you are out of the situation and living a normal life you will probably see more and more of the ways that this was so wrong for you and your dd. Maybe once your life has settled down again you could look into some counselling for you both to help repair the damage done to your dd and your relationship with her. I also think the freedom programme would be beneficial to prevent you entering an abusive relationship again.

All of this is things for the future though and the priority right now is to get you both out safely. Concentrate on that and don't let anything stop you achieving that.

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