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Partners not helping with baby duties

(16 Posts)
SarahD111222 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:12:46

Hi I feel I need to ask other peoples opinion about this- so since I've had my baby who is now 6 month old I feel my partner is leaving all the responsibility to me, I don't think it's fair. I love my baby I love taking care of him and think nothing of doing everything for him. I've noticed recently that my partner wants to play with the baby when it suits him, however I can't remember the last time he changed a nappy, when he finishes work coincidentally he always has somewhere to be, or he always realises we need to go shopping and goes alone, at weekends he goes to the pub every Friday night until the baby's in bed then he comes home. It might sound silly but I feel like he potters around the house to avoid duties with the baby. He does wash the Potts and do other things it's just upsetting me because I can't understand why e wouldn't want to have a more active involvement in the baby. Even when he gets a shower he takes about An hour, before the baby was born this would literally take ten mins. He goes upstairs for a 'lie down' and just plays on his phone. I'm not a horrible person I don't mind him taking time out to see his friends or to go for a nap but it's becoming more and more obvious. I am not allowed to bring this up though because last time I did he shouted at me and said 'I hate that you have said that making me out to be a terrible dad' but I'm not I just would like more help! Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a single mum �� and I feel he's bullying me into never mentioning it again!

LittleBairn Sat 01-Nov-14 14:15:24

Ignore the shouting be calm and push your point through he's a lazy parent. That is crap parenting so he should feel bad about it.
Its just you luck once your a parent your lifestyle changes he doesn't get to go out with his mates every night, he sounds rather immature.

SarahD111222 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:54:45

Thanks for your reply I thought so I just had to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable but the more I think of it the more annoyed I get, I asked him to do his nappy the other day and he said he's not doing it but he would have if I'd have asked nicely! Then when he comes home from work if I ask him to hold the baby while I do my washing or tea, he says I'm just 'dumping the baby on him!' I know now that it's ridiculous because how can your own baby be 'dumped on you!' Silly man!

butterfly86 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:56:13

My dh is the same and it really isn't what I expected of him I too feel like a single parent, I take care of dd all day which I love I do tea wash up wash bottles bath dd literally everything all the night feeds while he just does as he pleases don't get me wrong he works damn hard but doesn't pull his weight at home

LittleBairn Sat 01-Nov-14 14:59:27

sarah that comment about the nappy its not on that is bullying behaviour!
You need to ask less and tell more. Maybe set up some routine duties for him like he baths your DS on X & X night, on a Sunday morning he makes sure you get a lie in that sort of thing.
The only person 'dumping' the baby is him,I would make it clear to him you may as well be a single parents for all the help he has been.

Mrsgrumble Sat 01-Nov-14 15:01:50

No you are not unreasonable. I would spell it out to him that actually yes, he's not being a very good dad at the moment (but say to him you know he could be and you still love m but not like this)

I had a lot of this at the start with my husband. Not quiet as bad as you, I must add. But every weekend he would wake early, go for a run then visit his parents and land home of six pm for dinner. One weekend I just cried and drove for over and hour and he begged me to come home. He then made excuses like his parents were elderly Etc. we also had issues with money etc and I made it clear I coul do it on my own.

Things have changed. I left early this morning and got time to myself, came home and had an hour together then he did his own thing.

I took a long time but what your dh is doing is not being a good dad or husband. He is being selfish. Do online shopping so that stops the excuse for going out. You go up and have a bath when he gets home. Book a hair appointment or see friends on a Saturday. Just get out of the house. He won't wake up until you make him

Discopanda Sun 02-Nov-14 00:43:23

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but there are some blokes who find their babies a bit boring until they start talking and walking, mine included. Just keeping asking firmly for help and arrange to go on a night out so he has no choice but to do nappy changes.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep Sun 02-Nov-14 01:00:11

I posted very similar to this a couple of weeks ago. You have my sympathy. I can't offer any advice but you're not alone. flowers

If you are interested in other responses here (hopefully) is a link to my thread.

cheesecakemom Sun 02-Nov-14 08:32:28

I started from day 1. I know someone who does everything in their home and their DH just eats and sleeps, now she needs help and he won't touch a thing - not even washing dishes or putting washing away.

You need to talk to him. When DD arrived we had decided that I would also pump to enable DH to do at least one feed a day so he would bond with her too. He definitely changed nappies - even when we were out. When she cried at night he would wake up because he did the 3 am feed! I would get up at times but most of the time he did this himself and changed her nappy too.

He did washing as well, sterilised bottles etc. we read a few books before she arrived and I think he got most of it from there. This time round I'm getting him to read the same books again just in case he forgot.

Sit down with your DH and talk to him.

LittleLionMansMummy Sun 02-Nov-14 09:00:17

You sound downtrodden and apologetic for asking him to step up and be a dad. Does he make a habit of cutting you off and making you feel guilty for voicing an opinion? I can't believe you're asking here if what you're asking is reasonable. Look back at what you've written! You've been doing everything, on your own, for 6 months and you're not allowed to express an opinion about his inability to coparent. It is not 'helping out' it is jointly raising the baby you jointly conceived and jointly decided to bring into the world. Sorry but your dp needs a wake up call and you need to stop being an apologist for his crap parenting or he will always be like this.

LittleLionMansMummy Sun 02-Nov-14 09:03:43

Sorry if that sounds harsh op, I just feel sad and angry in equal measure when I hear about situations like this and it makes me wonder about whether the problem goes deeper than parenting. When do you get a night off to go to the pub? What would he do if you said you were doing that?

K8eee Sun 02-Nov-14 19:47:27

sarah your dh sounds just like mine sad hope you don't mind me asking but how old are the 2 of you? Our dd is 7 months and since day 1 I feel I have done everything and too have brought up dd on my own. admittedly he has had her on his own for a weekend as I was away on a hen weekend. dh works his arse off yeah, but it doesn't hurt to lift a finger. is your dh an only child?

GotToBeInItToWinIt Sun 02-Nov-14 19:51:35

You're definitely not being unreasonable. DD is 12 months now and when DH gets home for work all he wants to do is play with her, bath her etc as he's missed he while he's at work. He's been like this from the beginning. People often say that men find babies boring but to be honest this is irrelevant. It's his baby as well and regardless of how boring he finds it he needs to pull his weight.

carlsonrichards Sun 02-Nov-14 19:52:53

What does their age matter? A shit parent is a shit parent.

It's not 'helping', either. It's pulling his weight as a human being.

How sad this is. Some people don't deserve kids. Like this man.

Failedspinster Sun 02-Nov-14 20:45:59

YANBU. You went into parenting together, but he isn't doing his fair share. You do need to talk to him and explain how you are feeling and that you also need a break from time to time - I have two under three and don't know what I'd do without my husband's very active, hands-on support when he's at home.

Not an excuse, but he might feel underconfident in his ability to look after the baby, if he's never done it much, and that might be a factor in why he's not doing his bit. If so he might need a bit of support while he gets started?

Littlef00t Sun 02-Nov-14 20:54:09

It's all about equal leisure time. DH gets home about 5:30 and immediately starts an hour of daddy time when I can relax and not deal with anything baby related.

Only after she is in bed does he get to relax while I make dinner and tidy etc. at the weekend I usually get a bit of a lie on one day, and he's on nappy duty all weekend.

It's not always perfect and things won't change for you straight away. For a start, he probably would feel nervous being in charge as he has so little experience.

I would suggest starting to get him to look after your LO while you do other chores, eg washing up or buying groceries.

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