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Adjusting to having only DDs

(41 Posts)
MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 10:01:36

Ever since I was little I thought I'd have boys. I have a brother and was a bit of a tomboy. Never really did the whole girlie thing. All of our parents have brothers and DH has a brother. Saying that all the relationships with the brothers aren't great!!

Now I have 2 beautiful DDs and I don't think we'll have any more children so I guess I'll never have a son.

I'm not disappointed with what we've got but I guess I need to get my head around what we haven't got - if that makes any sense at all. DH is a bit sad at not ever having a boy despite being thrilled with our newest dd.

I can't help feeling that people with "one of each" feel luckier/smug about it.

I'm excited for our future and look forward to seeing how my little girls relationship develop with us and with each other - I guess it's just not what I'd ever imagined - and for a control freak planner like me - it feels quite tricky to adjust.

Not really sure why I'm posting - it's not gender disappointment as such so please don't flame e for that.

CultureSucksDownWords Fri 01-Aug-14 10:10:20

I think I would try and concentrate on the fact that a child's personality depends on so much more than just their gender. The fact that you have two DDs doesn't tell you much about what they will be like when they are older. You don't have to buy in to the "you're either a girlie girl or a tomboy" thing. Your DDs will be who they will be - try not to define or categorise them.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Fri 01-Aug-14 10:14:19

OP we have three boys and I had always just assumed we would have 2 children and they would be a boy and a girl.

It did go through my mind that I will never have a daughter but ultimately I have three lovely children that I adore and I couldn't ask for anything more.

You just stop thinking about it after a while. They are all unique little people and that is irrespective of being a boy or a girl.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Fri 01-Aug-14 10:14:25

OP we have three boys and I had always just assumed we would have 2 children and they would be a boy and a girl.

It did go through my mind that I will never have a daughter but ultimately I have three lovely children that I adore and I couldn't ask for anything more.

You just stop thinking about it after a while. They are all unique little people and that is irrespective of being a boy or a girl.

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 10:18:27

Yes that's it - I know gender is somewhat irrelevant to personality. And that's fine - I'm happy with my children. I guess you just have an idea in your head and when life doesn't pan out that way it can surprise you (well it does me anyway - you would've thought I'd learn after 34 years on the planet).

I guess it's not helped by various people saying stupid things like "ooh you'll have to have a third so you get a boy" angry

CultureSucksDownWords Fri 01-Aug-14 10:25:03

I find asking people who say daft things like that "why?" helps. They often realise that they're being stupid when they can't explain why they have just said what they said.

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 10:44:34

Ha ha, yes I said that to my brother and he said "but wouldn't you want a boy?" To which I replied "but you don't get a choice and I'm happy with these two children".....

2kidsintow Fri 01-Aug-14 10:46:28

I have 2 dds and am grateful because i had it in my head that I'd have girls. I'm one of 3 sisters and all the babies that had been born to family or close friends had been girls. It wasn't that i didn't want boys but more of the fact that it would be a surprise to me if a boy came along. When we had DD2 Dh was quite keen on having another girl.

My friend, on the other hand, wanted girls. When each of the 3 boys she had arrived she was openly disappointed about it. They were even going to adopt at one point 'to get a girl'. Very sad.

WhispersOfWickedness Fri 01-Aug-14 10:48:46

If it helps, I have one of each and has a moment of sadness when DD was born that my DC wouldn't have a close relationship as older children/adults. All the siblings I know as adults who are close tend to be the same gender sad

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 11:08:16

2kids - I think that's it - I'm not disappointed per are, more just that it wasn't how I expected our family to pan out. With all my family members either being 2/3 boys or one of each I just assumed darter having DD1 that family patterns would mean we'd have a boy next.

whispers I know lots of m/f siblings who are adults now and very close. And actually I know lots of same sex siblings who don't get on at all. So I think the opposite if what describe has been pertinent for me!! Goes to show there no hard and fast rule I suppose!

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 11:08:53

Per se

And darter should be after!

CultureSucksDownWords Fri 01-Aug-14 11:09:25

Whispers, I'm much closer to my brother than my sister! My brother and I are more similar despite being different genders.

Albertatata Fri 01-Aug-14 13:21:10

Is your second quite young? I've two DS and as you describe it was not gender disappointment when he was born but I was slightly upset that I wouldn't have a daughter. (& I completely know what you mean about stupid comments - try for a girl, somebody even once said to me better luck next time & if another mum tells me she doesn't need anymore as she has got one of each - grrrrr it really winds me up)

But now my DS2 is becoming so much more of a little person I'm not bothered at all - he is so much more than his gender. he is a completely different personality. i don't think of him as a boy/ girl as he is my funny cute gorgeous baby who also happens to be a boy! (I hope that makes sense).

I think we may have a third but I can honestly say now I would be very happy to have 3 boys and I definitely wouldn't be trying for a girl (even though that is whateveryobe will be thinking).

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 18:43:23

Ha ha yes - a week old!!

I think as well, she looks nothing like any of us whereas DD1 was v much like us both. So with DD2 we are a bit bemused at who she is in general!!

MiaowTheCat Fri 01-Aug-14 19:10:42

I have two kids... the contents of their underwear being somewhat irrelevant to the equation. They happen to be two fab little girls, incredibly close as a pair of sisters and I'm very very lucky - but I did have some emotional baggage to deal with regarding all the fucked up mother-daughter relationships in my family and my fear of passing that on to another generation.

But then I've never had the obsession of having one of each like they're pokemon cards to collect all of or something.

TeenAndTween Fri 01-Aug-14 20:20:47

We adopted.
I assumed we would be matched with 2 boys or one of each, I couldn't imagine having 2 girls, never having been 'girlie' myself.

Then our girls came along and they were the perfect match for us.
It's lovely. smile

What are your pre-conceptions about boys/girls? Remember some boys don't like football, some girls do. Some girls don't like dressing up, some boys do. You can't control them, they are their own people, you just have to go with the flow, regardless of gender.

(And 2 the same is useful for handing down clothes, and sharing hotel rooms/beds).

CountBapula Fri 01-Aug-14 20:33:56

I had always just assumed we would have 2 children and they would be a boy and a girl.

I was the same, and was shock when I found out that DS2 was a boy. I have a big brother, so older boy/younger girl is normal to me.

It didn't help that my mum has always gone on and on about how happy she was when I was born that she'd 'got her little girl' and that she felt so sorry for her friend who had two boys hmm She's had to backpedal pretty quickly since then.

DS2 is only four months old but he's SO different from DS1, in looks and personality. It's fascinating how they're such little individuals, right from birth.

So when people say to me, 'Oh, but wouldn't you have liked one of each?' I say, 'I have got one of each: a mad, noisy, feisty one and a calm, placid one' (DS1 and DS2 respectively). Then I give them a hmm look.

I do occasionally feel a pang when I see cute frilly dresses - though that's partly because boys' clothes in this country are so shit (skulls and crossbows, and dinosaurs - yuck). But I'm so happy with my two little dudes. The fact that they're both stunningly beautiful helps <preens>

MATB1 Fri 01-Aug-14 21:15:50

Well I think where I was a bit tomboyish when I was little, that's what I know. My mum never really did the whole girlie thing with me either so I guess I'm worried I simply won't do girls any justice.

I'd sadly say that both my dad and FIL are a bit chauvinistic so I think that has perhaps influenced how DH thinks. MIL is thrilled to have granddaughter girls after a house of boys and, in my view, goes a bit OTT on he girlie stuff because she finally "can".

I have said to DH that anything he would've done with a boy he can still do with our girls and that I'd be horrified if he didn't purely because they are girls.

Even amongst my friends it semi feels like boys are the preferred gender. Perhaps these old gender stereotypes are still more rife in my/our subconscious than I realised.

I dunno. Not sure what I think we'd be missing out on really and this newest little bundle is simply the sweetest little thing ever. And DD1 is brilliant anyway.

Part of me is glad to have broken the boy cycle. And pleased to be the first ones with girls so no one in our family can tell me how to raise sisters because the haven't done it themselves (whereas I think they all would happily tell me what's what with a boy/brother).

I like the fact that my new girlie is bewildering everyone. But still shocked that I won't have a boy.

CultureSucksDownWords Fri 01-Aug-14 21:32:15

Oh, you will do both your children justice MATB1 I'm sure! You don't have to do anything specifically because they are girls. They'll get plenty of gender stereotyped input from wider friends/family and society in general if that's what you're worried about.

Fwiw, my DM was not in any way a "girlie" type woman. She did lots of sports and was not interested in hair, makeup, clothes, jewellery etc. Didn't cause me or my DSis any issues at all, and we went through the usual teenage experimentation with all that sort of stuff until we worked out or own approach.

tobysmum77 Fri 01-Aug-14 21:59:58

I have 2 girls. I think there are big advantages to having 2 the same gender tbh.

Toohotforfishandchips Fri 01-Aug-14 22:07:46

I have one of each. When DC2 was due I kept swaying between wanting a boy and wanting a sister for DD - thinking they would be girly friends. I ended up with a DD who does kick boxing, gymnastics, footy and swimming and is mad on bike riding. She has no interest in anything girly what so ever. She and DS are very close. God knows what I would have done if my second was a girly girl!!!
Every child is so so different and girls does not mean no footy etc grin

CPtart Fri 01-Aug-14 22:22:53

I agree with tobysmum. I have 2 DS. Their relationship, which seems so solidly based on likes of doing the same thing, is far more important to me than my experience of having a DD. I would have liked a girl for me, but for them- having a sibling of the same gender has proved invaluable.

Toohotforfishandchips Fri 01-Aug-14 22:44:17

Where as I ended up with a totally tomboy DD now 5 and a DS aged 3 who are so alike it's scary. People say to me ... 'how nice to have one of each' . I think ... 'you are talking rubbish'. Those mums who really want a girl so they can do girly things, ballet, brownies, craft and pretty dresses would be bitterly disappointed with my beautiful funny, sporty, independant free willed mad daughter who hates pink

tethersend Fri 01-Aug-14 23:06:37

I think you might be me grin

For me, it really was gender disappointment; I only ever saw myself with boys. I have two girls. Two AMAZING girls. They are now 5 and 2 and I can honestly say not only do I not want any more children, but I am so glad I have the two I have. I no longer want a boy.

I too found it hard at first to figure out who DD2 was. I think that's part of having two children of the same gender. Then her personality started to develop, and she was so different to her sister. They are still very different, but get on brilliantly. Definitely give it time.

"Even amongst my friends it semi feels like boys are the preferred gender. Perhaps these old gender stereotypes are still more rife in my/our subconscious than I realised."

Yes. This. For me, this was huge. Don't minimise it- I had to do some serious challenging of my own preconceptions, and ask myself why I felt boys were somehow more worthy than girls. I thought I was a feminist before, now I know I am grin

MATB1 Sat 02-Aug-14 09:17:59

For friends with lots of girls in their families it seems to be about getting that elusive boy... For those with lots of boys it's like a pride thing.

I know girls can do anything boys can but I don't think DH has got there in his head yet.

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