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Abuse and opening up to my mother.(7 Posts)
This is my first post so apologies if i get the formatting wrong or have posted in the wrong topic.
What I would like is advice on whether or not to talk to my mother about abuse suffered years ago. My therapist suggested it might help with some of my feelings of anger but I think it would be crule and selfish of me.
To start with some background I come from a large family and we were brought up abroad in a very conservative country where, relationships, sex or even kissing was strictly a secret affair and certainly wasn't talked about to children. So by the time we moved back to England when i was thirteen I was probably as naive as you could get. , basically making me the absolute youngest in my year.
Just after my 14th birthday a boy at school asks me out and so began 2-3 years of mostly a sexually but sometimes mentally and physically abusive relationship that I had no idea was even wrong until the damage was done and it was too late.
I am now 28 and the fallout still haunts me. About 6 months ago I started seeing a Relate therapist because two years into a wonderful relationship my boyfriend and I still haven't been able to have sex, it breaks my heart. I have had other sexual relationships but I had to do a lot of pretending in thoes and I just didn't want to lie and pretend with this one.
But on to my question - for some reason I blame my mother for not equiping me enough to have delt with the situation and not creating the sort of mother daughter relationship where i could have gone to her about what was happening. I love her endlessly and she was a wonderful mother in so many other way but i feel she let me down.
As it was so long ago and it is still something i stuggle with my therapist wants me to think about telling my mohter, not about how i feel but about the abuse.
I am not a mother so I am asking you all, as parents do you think any good could come of talking to her or will it just fill her with guilt and bring her undue heartache?
I suspect your mother was just as culturally crippled & ill-prepared for relationships as you were. I don't see much good coming out of revealing so much, only distress for her that she didn't protect you better. Are there other ppl you can confide in?
As a mum, if my dd came to me at 28 and told me that it would make me feel dreadful and so worried and distraught. If I thought she blamed me it would send me to the deepest pit of hell. And there would be nothing I could do.
I'm really sorry you suffered and are still suffering, but I can't see the advantage to you of telling her. It will put a big wedge in your relationship that may never recover.
I hope you can find a way through this.
Thank you both. I really don't want her to feel distress or pain and wouldn't want to change the relationship we do have as it is very strong in other ways. Just voicing it on here made me see that no good could come of it.
There are others i can confide in and they have been helping.
Thank you again.
I can totally see that it would be upsetting to your mum, how could it not, but would like to share how utterly destrought my mother would be if she felt I'd tried to deal with something like you're describing alone. Or in fact not alone, but not with her support.
I'm only a new parent, but I'd want my child to open up to me and share something like that. There would definitely be a process of remorse etc, but then it would be cleared and I'd be able to try to help. I can't imagine going to my grave and not knowing about something so impactful on my child.
I have things I can't tell my mum, in some ways if she had made me feel more open to talk to her and a bit more soft and warm I would tell her things. She was a great mum but some things would just hurt her now, 15 years later, so I'm not going to.
I don't know if anyone will see this but I wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and input. It jsut made me feel less alone. I decided not to open up to my mum about the past. I have sought help from others and will go on appreciating how wonderful a lady she is, knowing full well that she has nothing but good intentions and love.
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