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Parenting

Please help me bond with my son!

8 replies

EverythingsDozy · 29/03/2014 21:05

DS is 17mo and is my second child. I struggled bonding with my two from the start. My eldest is now 3 and is an absolute delight, I love her, she's bright and independent and a real character.
My son is the opposite of her, where she was so laid back, he is so highly strung. He's clingy and cries so much over the smallest things. I just can't bond with him. I can't remember struggling this much with DD. I think it could be the lack of communication I have with DS, obviously he isn't speaking loads given his age. I just can't bond and I don't want him to grow up thinking that I don't love him, I really want to love him.
I feel so ashamed I can't tell my family as they all love him (obviously) and can't see what my problem is. I can't even see what my problem is!!

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kitty213 · 30/03/2014 00:04

oh you poor thing, you must feel dreadful. You will look back on this time and wont believe you ever asked this, he is going to bring you so much joy. I think you have to tell yourself that yes he is more highly strung and cries loads but its not his fault, he cant help any of this and i think if you had had him first then it would be totally normal for you, sounds like your dd was a dream maybe spoiled you a bit. This will pass, you just need to put your head down and plough through everyday and wake up with the thought that today might be the day that you bond instead of waking up thinking i cant bond with my son..like think positive or it will rub off on him and others will tell...like just accept him for what he is (highly strung and harder than dd) then find just a few things you absolutely love about him, even if its the way he looks when he falls asleep, start little but build on it day by day, i really hope you and your little boy can bond soon, he is going to adore you as he grows, honest hun accept and move forward xxx

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Moid1 · 30/03/2014 00:21

He might not be talking but he understands loads, so tell him what you love about him every day and he will hear you....

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Selks · 30/03/2014 00:32

Please try not to beat yourself up, we don't all feel an instant bond with our children, often it grows over time. You've experienced this yourself with your DD, and it will be the same with your DS. The warmth and love will grow in time. Just keep reminding yourself of that, keep being outwardly warm and loving towards him and in the meantime do cut yourself some slack. You sound like a lovely Mum and this time will pass.

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lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 30/03/2014 02:02

My friend was always going on about the instant bond she had with her daughter. Her words were "As soon as I held her I felt this rush of love". Well it wasn't like that for me. I will openly admit I had to grow to love my D.D. There's no one on earth like her now though. Stop being so hard on yourself. xx

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NorthEasterlyGale · 30/03/2014 13:30

I struggled to bond with my DS1 - took months - so can empathise with how this feels. I kind of worked on the basis of 'fake it 'til you make it' and figured if I acted like we were bonded it would happen eventually, which it did!

It will come in time, but in the meantime could you do some stuff together that makes him smile and laugh? I found that if my DS was smiling or laughing, it made me smile and hold eye contact with him, which in turn made me feel happier and closer to him (I'm sure there's a 'genuine' biological reason for smiling and eye contact making you feel good that involves hormones or endorphins or something but I've no idea how it works!).

Also, maybe give him a little massage when he's relaxed and sleepy? Sometimes after I've changed DS1's nappy, I'll give him a foot rub while he watches CBEEBIES, which we both find relaxing. Touch is good for bonding and communication too.

If you want to communicate a bit more, maybe try both of you learning some baby sign language?

I'm sure you'll be fine, but good luck anyway!

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nldm1 · 30/03/2014 13:52

Sometimes a bond can be instantaneous, sometimes we really need to get to know people and their personalities before a bond develops (DH and I knew each other well for three years before our bond developed further and this was with two adults with developed personalities!). There's no reason why this shouldn't be especially true when it comes to babies and children as we are only just discovering who they are as they do so themselves.
As your DS develops his own personality further your bond with him will develop further.
Be kind to yourself and your DS. Know that in time you'll get there and try not to worry in the meantime. This doesn't make you any less an awesome mum x

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horsetowater · 30/03/2014 14:01

You just have to give him time and space to bond with you. Make an effort each day to chat and just be with him one to one, massage, talking, sharing. Let him take the lead.

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EverythingsDozy · 30/03/2014 18:08

Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not on my own.
I will definitely keep the points about touch and eye contact in mind. It is nice when he is smiling and laughing, unfortunately it doesn't happen often, he cries an awful lot! I love to see him playing nicely with his sister.