Hello everyone
Apologies for the very upsetting thread. My DD and her best friend have been like sisters since they were 4 years old. J was DD's first friend in primary school and despite going to different secondary schools they would see each other 4/5 times a week (J lives just a few roads away). DD and J are both 14 now, and both will be 15 in April.
In June last year, they found an inoperable tumour on J's brain stem. She has been through radiotherapy and is currently on steroids. They've tried numerous different things, but now it's just a waiting game. J has been like a second daughter to DH and I (and J's parents say the same of our DD) so it's devastating for all of us. The problem is, DD seems to either know what is inevitable, but is refusing to come to terms with it, or she genuinely does believe she will get better.
It's heartbreaking how the tumour is so very slowly and painfully taking away J's life. She can barely hear anymore, has trouble seeing, is paralysed down her right side and has very little movement in her left. She has gained a huge amount of weight due to the steroids and it's so incredibly sad because mentally she is no different at all. It's horrible to know that inside she is completely "with it" and is clearly so desperate to just be able to express herself but she is so very restricted. DS is currently planning his gap year and I overheard him and DD chatting earlier today. DD was talking about all the places that she and J have planned to go, and how they were planning on going to the same university etc. It breaks my heart that she just doesn't seem to be aware that J really doesn't have long left.
The worst part is, DD hardly sees J anymore. Before she was ill, and even in the early months of her illness, she would see her perhaps 3 times a week minimum. Now she will see her once a week, if that. I know she is terrified deep down. I know seeing her best friend slowly and painfully die is tearing her apart. DD has always been very stoical and is not overly emotional. She rarely cries or shows her emotions in front of other people, but I hear her almost daily crying in her room. She and DS are very close and apparently she told DS that she just can't pretend around J...she said when her grandfather was ill in hospital, she would visit him and smile and pretend like everything was ok. But she can't with J...she can't sit there all happy happy pretending she's ok and that everything will be fine because she is so frightened and heartbroken over what this illness is doing to her best friend. I know she wants to be there for her more, but I know I find it hard not to burst into tears every time I see J, so I can only imagine how hard it is for DD.
My worry is that J will pass on, and DD will be angry at herself for not being there more. I want to try and raise this issue without so blatantly saying "well you know J doesn't have long left." They are so incredibly close. Neither of them stayed in touch with others from their primary school, and they went to separate secondary schools, so have different groups of friends. So really it's just the two of them..they really are like sisters. It's especially hard for DD because she has no one else to talk to about it apart from me and the family and I try and be there for her but the rest of J's friends, from her school etc, can all lean on each other but since it is just the two of them, and they are not in a big group, she seems to think she has to go through this alone. J bought her a DD "best friend" necklace's for Christmas and I always catch DD holding onto it. I just don't know what to do. How do I persuade her to visit J more? I know she wants to so desperately but she is so scared of just bursting into tears and trying to act like it's all ok when she knows it isn't. And how on EARTH do I deal with it when J does pass on? I just don't know what to do anymore. Any insight or suggestions would be so appreciated. I spoke to J's aunt just a few days ago who said J may just see her 15th birthday (April 26th) but even that is a stretch...
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
DD's best friend dying, DD in denial?
11 replies
HoneyyBea · 29/03/2014 18:48
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.