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winding kids up that their mum/dad is useless

(13 Posts)
jewelsorr Sat 29-Mar-14 14:33:07

What's people's opinion on people winding kids up that their mum/dad is useless. People used to do this to me growing up to see me fight back and stand up for my parents. I see no harm. It built up loyalty for my own family and made me stand up for myself. My father said it one night to my child and my husband flipped. He thinks it was a direct hit at him and thinks my dad hates him and is trying to brainwash my kids against him. Did anyone else have people joking like this growing up?

jewelsorr Sat 29-Mar-14 15:01:06

P's. It is said in a joking way not as an actual dig and I'm certain the kids really understand this. It's all in fun

Goblinchild Sat 29-Mar-14 15:18:08

So, your partner and father normally get on fantastically, have a relationship based on mutual respect and your dad doesn't try and interfere or take over situations?
How strange that your OH should react like that.
Although telling people that their parent is useless is a fairly trickyground, and certainly discouraged in school.
Do you and your partner insult each other often in good humour? As in 'Yes, she's a fat lazy lump' or 'Shift your arse you smelly git'?
Is he used to it?

if not, then your father should apologise and explain.

jewelsorr Sat 29-Mar-14 17:21:31

We don't insult each other but my gran does say your grandad (her son) is useless or I'd say "my daddy is better than your daddy" but it's just in fun to see them stand up for those they love. Dad never insults my partner in other ways and never would and when it's over we always say of course u r right to the kids so they know we r only joking.

cory Mon 31-Mar-14 09:36:34

In my world it is ok for a grandparent to make jokes about their own child (whose upbringing they were, after all, responsible for) but they need to be a bit more polite about their DIL/SIL.

I love my MIL dearly, but I am not her daughter, and I would be surprised if she joked about me in quite the same free and open way that she does about her son. Just as I wouldn't make the same jokey criticisms about her that I would about my own parents. I'd just feel it was a bit overfamiliar.

LondonForTheWeekend Mon 31-Mar-14 12:26:28

I am 100% with your husband. Your father sounds deranged frankly, and the fact you have been brainwashed and can't see it is odd.

When your father tells your kids that You Are Shit what "loyalty" will he be showing you? And what does it say about his integrity. Family are supposed to be nice to each other and you are permitting- well just plain old horribleness, to be demonstrated to your husband (so where the fuck is your loyalty to him?)

In my mind people who say "I'm only joking" mean "I talk shit I do"... And the reality is that is how most people will view your father in private if not to your face

CMOTDibbler Mon 31-Mar-14 12:30:16

I'd hate it, and I think it is very disrespectful. Totally with your dh on this

SlinkyB Mon 31-Mar-14 16:48:50

My in-laws do this. They call each other or their two adult sons (my dh and my bil) "useless", in front of the kids/grandkids.

It's done in a jokey way, but it's said too often for my liking and none of the family are particularly confident, which leads me to believe there is something in that whole Self Fulfilling Prophecy thing.

MIL or FIL wouldn't call me it though they wouldn't dare but I guess they think it's ok to do it with their own family. I would have to say something if they started saying it to my kids though.

mustardtomango Mon 31-Mar-14 16:53:20

I get the idea of the jokey thing, but I'm with your husband. 'in' jokes that everyone finds funny - OK. If even one person finds it off /offensive /whatever, it's not funny any more. Telling him to get the joke is never going to work.

nldm1 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:32:57

I just don't think it's healthy.
You say it encourages loyalty, but why gain that through confrontation (jokey or ortherwise), rather than through demonstrations of love and mutual respect?
It all seems very childish....

magicalmrmistoffelees Mon 31-Mar-14 21:00:25

I agree with your husband. Don't really understand why anyone would do this? You say it's done in a 'jokey' way, but I can't see why it would be funny.

LeepyTime Wed 02-Apr-14 21:24:44

I absolutely hate that kind of thing, where families only seem to be able to communicate by slagging one another off. (I am not saying that is the only way that your family communicates). And I agree with someone above, they are usually all pretty insecure and paranoid about what everyone thinks of them. So to me it does NOT build self-confidence and seems to set up a wall against actually saying anything positive about/to each other, for fear of being teased over it. I totally think children should learn loyalty and respect through love and positive communication.

JassyRadlett Wed 02-Apr-14 21:30:30

It's 'fun' to make a kid stand up for a parent being criticised?

Either the child will think the parent is useless, or that the grandparent is untrustworthy. And they're taught it's ok to insult others as long as it's a 'joke'.

There are so many ways this can backfire, and I can see very little value to it apart from some kind of 'sport' that involves at least one victim.

Anyway, if it taught you to stand up for the people you love, why aren't you standing up for your DH when this has hurt him?

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