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Scared I will be like my mum :(

(9 Posts)
Donnakim Tue 25-Mar-14 20:20:44

The backstory to this post is this: I'm the youngest of three children, all girls. There's ten years between me and the middle one as parents divorced, hooked up and got remarried roughly two days before I was born. My mother has always openly referred to me as The Accident, and does still. This has meant I was raised at arms length with dad away a lot. It affected me greatly as a child, and meant that I have never known how to interact with other people's children as I've grown.

When DH and I got together I made it clear I did not wants children, which he accepted as he loves me, but I have always known it was painful for him. Since having a mini-breakdown a few years ago, and receiving counselling, I have dealt with my mummy issues and challenged her on this point. She tearfully apologised but has made no change to her behaviour. In the nine years I have lived away from my hometown she has phoned me three times to chat to me, and I have stopped bothering as she never asks how I am, just tells me all about my sister (who I speak to regularly so don't need updates).

Now we are TTC, it has brought these issues to mind and makes me worry what sort of mum I will be. I am scared I will be cold and distant, and my future DC will not feel loved.

Has anyone been in this situation and lived to tell the tale? Please, can anyone who was brought up this way and has a DC let me know there is a chance for me?

MadameJ Tue 25-Mar-14 20:33:54

Hi, it sounds as if we had similar upbringings although my mother treated 3 of us all the same. My sister and I both have children now and I can assure you that we love our children more thsn anything. My mother taught me how not to parent and I think I am doing a good job. You clearly recognise that how your mother raised you was not the best way so that's half the battle. I would say that having children made me reflect a lot more on my childhood and at times this has being painful but I have moved on and vow not to let it bring me down any more. Good luck with ttc x

Jellymum1 Tue 25-Mar-14 20:38:05

Ah big hugs. I can also assure you that the very fact your worried about being like your mother means you wont be. I was sooooo scared becoming a mum but its the best damn thing I ever did! It also has helped me work on and heal from what I didnt get from my family x

TheGreatHunt Tue 25-Mar-14 20:43:20

I was worried too. So much so that I didn't want a girl. My first was a boy and second a girl. I'm so aware of how I parent that I really havent yet made the same mistakes. I'm much more living and affectionate. I won't get everything right but I do try.

GlitterFingers Tue 25-Mar-14 20:49:36

The fact you are worried you will be a bad parent means you will probably be a good one. I have mother issues and I was so worried I would be terrible at parenting but everyone comments on my parenting skills. I have a beautiful clever 19 month old who I love dearly and she knows it. You will be brilliant you know what you don't want to be so I'm sure you will work hard not to be that person. Good luck ttc

TheKnightsThatSayNee Tue 25-Mar-14 20:56:15

People who repeat the mistakes of thier childhood usually do so because they lack awareness, you clearly don't. Your going to be a great mum because you will make sure you are.

Bragadocia Tue 25-Mar-14 21:01:19

I didn't have an experience as deeply sad as yours, but was also in a position where I didn't want to replicate the parenting I had experienced when it came to my own child.
There is a book, which is based on a course, which helped me a lot in this respect. It's the only 'self help' style book I've read, and the title is quite off-putting, but it's very helpful.

Donnakim Tue 25-Mar-14 21:36:51

Thank you so much for your support and kind words

Bragadocia - that book is on its way to my kindle right now

I'm sure that this is something a lot of people have been through, which is why forums like this exist. Luckily for me I get on really well with my MIL but it isn't the same as having my own mum to turn to. She has said the same thing to me before 'if you can see it for what it is you won't do it'

Thank you all again

Bragadocia Tue 25-Mar-14 21:58:34

Good luck Donnakim. It's really positive that you have so much self-awareness, and that you're preparing at this stage for what kind of parent you want to be.
It is rubbish not having a mother around for the significant things in life, but having a MIL you're not only friendly with, but can talk to about emotional subjects is really good. She sounds like one to cherish.

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