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how to get your 5yr old son to listen to you? mine doesnt

(6 Posts)
sukima Tue 25-Mar-14 13:21:25

having all sorts of problems at school with him hitting other kids, we are talking to school about this.

but his listening at home and meanness to older brother is just heartbreaking and pushing family to breaking point

gotta crack it now before we all crack. or before he gets older and more horrid,

so please advise, what to do, what punishments to give out for rudeness.hitting, not eating properly, not listening to his parents.

we use time out on bottom step but doesnt seem to change anything.

MillyMollyMama Tue 25-Mar-14 13:40:27

I think you need to find something he cares about and remove it. Naughty step is over used in my view! If he is at school, get is a. It beyond this, in my view. If it makes no difference, then what is the point? Does your DS show any signs of remorse? Is he able to empathise with his sibling or you, or does he have no feelings?

If he shows remorse, you can work on how he feels when he is told off or feels sorry for what he has done. Could you take something away he cares about? For example, no computer for the evening, no treat that was expected? Alternatively, you could go the other way and get him to earn computer time/treats by good behaviour. If he gets on well, reward him by a big treat.

He appears to have problems if he cannot control his behaviour with other children at school. See what the school says and try and go with their recommendations. They will have expertise to share with you. He sounds angry all the time. Do you have any idea why? Can he articulate his feelings to you? What are his communication skills like? Is he angry because his speech is not so good? Hope you get some good strategies.

sukima Tue 25-Mar-14 14:15:08

he does not show much remorse no, and does not empathise. i just dont know why, he has good communication skills and can be a real sweat heart. he likes treats and chocoloate.

yes he seems to have the red mist already, when he loses control and cant think straight and lashes out.

when i tell him offf, he says 'stop talking about it' or 'i know that already' things like that. he is very disrespectful. his brother very polite and lovely, but can wind him up abit

school being a bit lax too, but saw (very young) teacher today and they gonna keep close eye on him. if anything else further happens, will go straight to head teacher.

end of my tether, jsut want calm happy household. please help.

MerryMarigold Tue 25-Mar-14 14:23:05

When you say no, mean it. At all times. No going back. If he thinks he can push you, he will. Combine punishments with rewards.

Can he have a chart at school if he has been gentle all day? He gets a sticker. If he is kind to his brother in the evening, he gets a smiley face on a chart or a 'golden ball'. We are doing 'golden balls' right now. A Jar from the 99p shop and some balls/ baubles. I am using it for all 3 of my kids. If they all get ready without nagging or fighting, they get one ball in the jar. When they get 5 balls, they will get a surprise from me. You start with achievable things and a relatively low number of balls. When they have done that challenge you move onto something harder to do...or more balls in the jar. I am going to move on to 8 balls. Then it will be doing it all by 8.30am.

I can see that he doesn't want to talk about it. He has got out of control, and he knows it. More telling off will not help that. Don't keep piling on guilt. Maybe some strategies for what to do if he gets angry. You could do an anger management thread. Go to room, quickly, punch pillow, kick wall whatever. He may be having a testosterone surge too.

I would not address it all at once. You need to separate out of control actions and deliberate defiance. (Saying 'no, won't do it'). I would deal with the deliberate defiance or disobedience first, the one he can control. The one he can't control needs strategies not punishments.

sukima Tue 25-Mar-14 14:27:17

thankyou for your reply
have tried pasta in jar this week, especially for acts of kindness, they have fifteen pieces and now asking for really expensive lego kits. am i paying them to behave like normal human beings? what are the treats you give them for golden balls?

MerryMarigold Tue 25-Mar-14 15:14:04

We haven't got a treat yet...but yes, ds1 was asking for lego stuff. I said it will be a surprise. I was thinking maybe I take them to McD's for a Mcflurry (£3 - nice and cheap, but a treat). Or buy a game we can all play (non computer one) or even some stickers each from pound shop. Something small. I said it is not your birthday or Christmas so don't expect presents you would get for those occasions.

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