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Heatbreaking question from my 6 year old, "Why doesn't mummy love me"

(12 Posts)
PirateJones Sun 23-Mar-14 14:35:41

How would you answer this and explain things to a 6 year old?

He hasn’t seen his mum in 2 years, I just said that she does love you, but some people do things and feel they can't cope and they think that their children will have a better life in someone else’s care.

I'm not sure if i explained it well enoguh or not, i really don't want to bad mouth his mum or go into details with him yet.

qazxc Sun 23-Mar-14 14:42:32

It's bit hard to know without knowing the back story but it sounds like you are saying the right thing. You are right not to badmouth his mum and not share any details you do not feel are AGE APPROPRIATE FOR HIM.

qazxc Sun 23-Mar-14 14:43:11

Sorry about that last bit caps lock turned unexpectedly.

PirateJones Sun 23-Mar-14 15:19:19

There are times when it's so hard to know what to do.

StealthPolarBear Sun 23-Mar-14 15:21:39

Are you his dad or a foster carer? Do you knpw wherr his mum is and why she won't see hi mm?

PirateJones Sun 23-Mar-14 15:26:02

I'm his aunty, I’ve had parental custody for 2 years.
I only know some of the reason why she "gave him up" but i have no clue where his mum is now.

Thumbwitch Sun 23-Mar-14 15:29:42

So sad. sad

I think that what you've said is probably right for him now - you could maybe elaborate a little more on her loving him enough to realise that she couldn't look after him as well as he deserved, so she gave him to you to look after for her, because you knew that you could do it better, and she loved him enough to want that for him.

I know you weren't asking for it, but good for you taking on your nephew and loving him as he needs it. smile

PirateJones Sun 23-Mar-14 17:09:48

I just really hope i've dealt with this question in the right way, I've known it was coming for a while, but i've been dreading it.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 23-Mar-14 19:52:29

You've dealt with it as well as you can pirate.

After much discussion me and my best friend decided it was time to gently pull the wool from her dds eyes re her dad (she idolised him having almost no actual memories of him and blamed herself for not being loveable enough)

We decided that it was better I begin breaking her into the idea that he was anything less than a hero and we had a long walk and discussion with lots if questions both ways.

Bottom line is, he's a junkie but what I told her was that he was quite ill in his mind and took medication to stop the illness in his mind hurting bit that when he took that medicine it made him not safe to be around.

I said that I knew for a fact that he loved her very much but because of his illness he wasn't very good at being a daddy so he honestly believe the best thing for her was for him to be away.

It was painful to hear her saying things like "but I would be happy even if he only rang me once a year, if I could only send him letters"

He was my friend but I don't think I could ever love him again after that conversation.

Anyway I digress, I took it all at her pace and talked through every point she raised until it was exhausted I reassured her that I KNEW he loved her and right at the very end she said to me "but if he really loved me, he'd be here"

My heart broke for her, I had to leave and have a wee cry I just remember wishing I could say "thing is honey he's a dick and he doesn't deserve you"

HerrenaHarridan Sun 23-Mar-14 19:52:53

I should add that she was much older than 6, she was 11

PirateJones Mon 24-Mar-14 06:49:46

HerrenaHarridan thank you, i suspect he will ask more questions as he gets older, i will just play it by ear and be as honest as possible while not putting her down.
I've known this type of question was coming as he's been looking at photo albums and asking about her but it's just so heartbreaking to hear them say it.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 24-Mar-14 16:24:57

Yes it really is, sometimes more so for us than them, especially at your dcs age.

The good news is that he has someone that loves him and I think it's helpful to round off discussions by reminding them of how much you love them and whatever the reasons your happy they are with you, reinforce that they are secure in their position with you.

Fwiw the girl I spoke of is much more secure in herself since that first discussion and we have been increasingly frank discussions, I have seen her going through a range of emotions, self pity, believing she's the only one, anger, sadness but importantly she is externalising these now.

She doing ok.

Good luck smile

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