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My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

(180 Posts)
Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:25:21

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

Fontofnowt Fri 21-Mar-14 10:29:17

What is his Dads view on what the dss did?

ThePowerOfNo Fri 21-Mar-14 10:31:16

Speak to your GP about his behaviour. They should be able to put you in touch with a child psychologist. It sounds as though your stepson has some serious issues which need to be addressed. sorry for you dd.

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:34:29

Well his Dad has shouted at him but doesn't seem to see the extent of what is going on.

I have suggested counselling and my partner seems to agree, but I'm worried about it getting worse in the meantime sad

Episode Fri 21-Mar-14 10:35:19

This sort of thing happens between fully biological siblings and I would think mentally abusing is a bit over the top!

I think you'd do better to think of him as a 10 year old CHILD and hate towards someone of that age sags more about you than anything else!

What would you do if he was your biological son? I think all you can do is punish him in line with what he's done, try and get him to see how he's made his sister feel and tell your daughter that she can talk to you about anything.

I doubt there are many siblings on this earth that haven't hit one and other as children.

A bit of perspective I think!!!!

Episode Fri 21-Mar-14 10:37:03

didn't read op properly. just notices they are not related but the same thing goes really!

Fontofnowt Fri 21-Mar-14 10:38:37

It could be you are feeling this so hard because things have piled up on you.
Resentment to his ex.
Protecting your first born.
Stuff like that is hard to work through.
You will find lots of good advice on the step parent section about how hard blended families are and how others have managed their situations.

NigellasDealer Fri 21-Mar-14 10:38:49

all siblings are nasty to each other, he is only a child himself.
and why do you call her MY own daughter, is she more important than he is?
it is hardly 'mental abuse' is it?

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:45:06

Of course my daughter is more important to me then my stepson is, he's been in my life for 2 years, he has a Mum and Dad in his life, my daugtehr has me at the moment and a step dad, and it is mental abuse if it has resulted in my daughter getting OCD symptoms, and thinking she is going to make people sick!

FlashDrive Fri 21-Mar-14 10:47:25

You are completely overreacting, its not mental abuse

The poor boy is only 10 and now has a new Stepmother, sister and baby sibling, of course hes going to act up a bit

Spend time making him feel wanted, loved and secure and he will treat your daughter better

DrewsWife Fri 21-Mar-14 10:49:28

As kids my brothers and I were brutal to each other. Brutal! Db1 is 4 years younger than me and db2 5 younger. Db1 and db2 used to knock seven shades out if each other. They used to mess up my room after I had cleaned it. Just before mum came up to check.

Db1 stabbed me in the leg with a knitting needle. I stabbed him in the leg with a pencil. He still has it there and we joke about it.

Db1 tripped me up as I was swinging round a washing pole trying to get dizzy... I split my knee and needed stitches.

Db2 was bitten and picked up by a horse by his neck.. Db1 and I screamed. But it was only because we were terrified the horse was going to have to be put down.

Db1 and I are great friends now. Db2. Not so much.

But brother and sisters messing with each other's head is actually verrrry normal.

NigellasDealer Fri 21-Mar-14 10:49:44

washing her hands a bit too often is not 'getting OCD symptoms'.
i would have thought that in a 'blended family' all children would have equal standing...ho hum silly me.

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:49:52

To me it is mental abuse, and I have made him feel loved, he has been the centre of attention since I met his Dad, I need to spend that time on my daughter now, she has gone through exactly the same changes and more and she isn't acting this way, so I do not believe the whole 'feel sorry for him' act

tabulahrasa Fri 21-Mar-14 10:50:03

Children hit each other, that doesn't mean it's ok, obviously you have to deal with it at the time, but it's not abuse - it's children being children.

Telling your daughter that her germs will make his dad ill - it sounds like jealousy to me...it can be very very hard to watch your parent parenting another child, especially if there are issues with your other parent.

I had step siblings from both my mum's new partner and my dad's and mostly we got on well, but sometimes I did want to go, mine! not yours, mine, get lost...my step sister once outright said to me - you stole my dad.

I think counselling is probably a good idea, blended families are sometimes just more complicated than children know how to cope with and that's the thing, he is a child too.

tethersend Fri 21-Mar-14 10:50:04

"Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink"

This could be very significant.

It sounds as if your stepson is dealing with emotions which he cannot process, and this is driving his behaviour towards your daughter. And yes, his behaviour is unacceptable; but the way to deal with it may be counter-intuitive. Happy, secure children tend not to behave in this way.

How long has he lived with your partner (and then you) full time? When did the weekends at his mother's start?

Fontofnowt Fri 21-Mar-14 10:51:00

It probably feels like mental abuse to you because you are having a gut reaction about your pfb.
Add in a new baby and problems with his ex partner and you are bound to magnify this.
My brothers (BIO) told me loads of bad things some led me to behave different.
If I picked dandelion I would piss the bed.
If I walked under the weeping willow branches someone eould die.
Siblings are cruel fuckers sometimes regardless of dna.
You need some advice about the family as a whole and some perspective and pointers.

badidea Fri 21-Mar-14 10:51:35

I think counselling for your stepson is a first step. It can be stressful for children to adapt when families blend, and if his mum used to drink (to the extent she lost custody) then there may also be issues in his past related to that.

I totally understand your feelings towards him, I think I'd be the same (the idea of anyone bullying my children like that would enrage me, I'm sure most mothers would be the same).

But, I think you're probably looking at a child acting out and exerting power over your daughter because he probably doesn't feel he has much power in his life or how it has changed.

Ultimately in this latest incident, he has tricked your daughter and told her an untruth, the kind of things siblings do to each other all the time. The response your daughter has had to this incident is serious, but he is only 10 and is probably not aware of the kind of problems his 'trick' can cause. I do think it's bullying, but probably not much worse than goes in between a lot of full blood symptoms.

However, I do think counselling would be a good move in case there are still underlying unresolved feelings he has regarding his new blended family.

badidea Fri 21-Mar-14 10:52:13

*full blood siblings, not symptoms!

tabulahrasa Fri 21-Mar-14 10:53:15

"I have made him feel loved, he has been the centre of attention since I met his Dad"

But, for some children that just isn't enough - it's not your fault, just, they need a bit of help dealing with things.

"she has gone through exactly the same changes and more and she isn't acting this way"

and that's good that your DD is coping, but it's not his fault that he's not.

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:54:49

He's lived with his dad full time since he was 3 and the weekends with his mum started not long after, maybe a few months. We have been living with each other about 18 months now.

I am not saying it hasn't been hard on him, it has been equally hard on my daughter too, she's had to change schools too.

Whether they were related or not is irrelevant, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Aboyandabunny Fri 21-Mar-14 10:56:27

Poor boy. Try and walk a mile in his shoes.

SirChenjin Fri 21-Mar-14 10:57:59

This is not mental abuse - stop thinking of it in that way, it's not helpful in the slightest. This is perfectly normal sibling behaviour, albeit at the viler end of the spectrum. I think it might help to have family therapy as he might be struggling to come to terms with the break up of his own family unit and then you and his dad moving so quickly to form another family - but I strongly suggest you stop blaming a child for his actions in this way.

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:58:25

Walk a mile in his shoes?! Seriously? That is half the problem everyone around his has this 'poor boy' attitude, does that give him the right to do this to another child? No.

Ellajuliana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:59:36

Plus his mum and dad weren't together, it was a one night thing so there was no family to break up, sorry should have mentioned this in my op

SirChenjin Fri 21-Mar-14 10:59:50

I'm glad to hear that other people around him have more sympathy for what he's gone through during his very short childhood.

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