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i wish i could enjoy this gift of having kids

(9 Posts)
mouses Tue 11-Mar-14 20:21:52

stone me, flame me, curse me cos i cant feel any more lower than i do.

i have 3 dc's and im struggling so so hard to cope with them both physically and mentally. i cant handle the mess, the arguing, the attitude, nothing.

i find it all too much, i don't want to watch childrens tv all day, i don't want to play tea party or dolls, aint got the energy for parks, cant bear the boys shouting over who's turn it is on the playstation.
i ask the kids (old enough to understand) not to eat in their room, not to leave the clothes in the bathroom or the stairs, shut doors after opening, tidy up your stuff...... find myself repeating evey day the same stuff. running around after them while they play. i do sit down and bury my head in my laptop internetting - ignoring them sometimes. then feel guilty that ive neglected them sad

i cant keep up with the homework schedules, i don't even know who their teachers are! i just want to have that interest but i cant find it?

i do suffer from depression, so i know it makes things worse, but i cant help feeling im damaging the kids, they don't deserve this upbringing. i cant show emotions, do hugs, kisses i love you's...

i do care about them, i worry if they are happy enough, cry if i upset them - even if they have given me attitude!

there are days that i just don't want to be a mum no more other days i tell myself i will try harder - but upon waking up and repeating myself 10 times im back there again.

when i see/hear other parents doting on their kids it makes me feel so bad it hurts.

some people cant have kids and i should be grateful i could. should never of been given the gift of kids. i don't deserve them.

JimmyPerez Tue 11-Mar-14 20:31:30

Chin up chick - life is shit sometimes.

Leave their rooms to squalor if that's what they want - you need a break.

I go for walks with them - couldn't give a rat's arse if they want to go or not - all of us experience elevated mental health afterwards. You're the mummy right? wink Some things aren't up for discussion - and a walk around the park clutching an iPod and a fag and ignoring them is one of them.

This too will pass. X

mouses Tue 11-Mar-14 20:51:03

i would leave the house a tip if i didn't have ocd traits and visitors viewing for a home swap.

ive tried walks, taking them out. 2 times one of the boys have had a busted nose where they punch and kick each other walking down the road.

i cant take them out anywhere without looking like a possessed woman! i have anxiety and get panicky, i just end up going home.

JimmyPerez Tue 11-Mar-14 20:55:15

Can you get them out in the sticks where no one can hear? I have two boys close in age and it doesn't wind me up as much if we're out of the house. Swore at them in the street yesterday - not my finest hour - bit I'm sure most of us have been there. grin

KatyN Wed 12-Mar-14 06:45:22

Can you get some support from your gp? It might be time to up (or start) taking medication for your anxiety and depression??

Secondly can you set some rules, are they old enough to understand if you write them down? Maybe set a timetable for the day including play station turns and when homework is done and checked?

Finally, don't beat yourself up anymore than your illness is doing. We'll try not to!! That you have got them through another day is quite an achievement!!

K

mouses Wed 12-Mar-14 09:50:03

hi
i was on medication for it but it only took the edge off things, yet still felt the same. gp, counsellor & psychiatrist are refusing to change it!

ive suggested many times to the boys to make a note of what time each one goes on the computer and work together to make it more pleasant - instead of hitting each other and lobbing the controls!

my youngest boy says he does his homework at school? the eldest does his on computer but i wouldn't know and find it hard to even care. i know it sounds awful - i wish i was different.

im sure things would be different if i didnt have my illness? but as it stands im finding it very hard to commit.
when i read threads on mums who's world revolves around their dc's i cry because that's how i want to feel.

toomuchtooold Wed 12-Mar-14 11:36:59

Listen I spent 10 grand and 5 years doing IVF so I could have kids and now they're here the day is an exercise in keeping them happy while spending as little time as possible actually entertaining them myself. It's totally draining, and I've only got two.

I don't have much advice really just to say don't add to your load by beating yourself up about it. Agree with the advice to go to GP and would it be worth trying to get into one of those parenting classes they do at the children's centres? It sounds like you could do with maybe just trying to improve one thing at a time at home, maybe try and work on the thing that bothers you most? (And on the homework, you could ask the school whether the boys are doing their homework? Just ask them whether they're happy with the boys' homework, and see what they say. It might all be fine! And you'll get brownie points for asking smile)

mouses Wed 12-Mar-14 12:20:00

hi,
im sorry you had to go to all that trouble to have your dc', it makes me feel so ungrateful. yet if i knew then how it would affect me i wouldn't of had kids.

ive done many parenting classes and an assertiveness course! one of them was 12wks long called Webster Stratton. ive also tried home start volunteer.

every day i tell myself i will be a better mum, that i will try harder. then the kids just knock me down, im the adult and cant stand up to the job, its pathetic! sad

toomuchtooold Wed 12-Mar-14 14:53:33

Oh don't feel ungrateful! That's what I mean, I should feel grateful, but I still get fed up with them all the time.

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