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Older mother at the end of her tether

(5 Posts)
canaryisland Sat 08-Mar-14 19:35:21

I am a mother to 3 children aged 29, 23 and 15. My 30 year old son passed away 2 weeks ago on Tues after a few years of serious mental health issues. My late son, I was very close to but he made awful life choices and whatever my husband and I tried to do didn't help. He had a child with a woman who was battling drug addiction. He then was surprised when she ran off with my grandson and he ended up drinking himself into a suicidal state, needing a stay in hospital for almost 6 months. Our grandson will be 3 now and never heard from the mother since she took off.

His next girlfriend sounded a delight, a mixed up pregnant woman whose husband wanted to divorce her. From what he told me, she had her son and then couldn't make her mind up whether she's pregnant with his baby. Whilst this was going on, she threatened him with a knife and knocked him out. He refused to defend himself and contacted the police.

His last companion fiancee is still around living with us now, quite a sweet but completely mixed up teenaged kid. She's had a lot of male history and has 2 children of her own, one of which my son called his daughter and he loved a lot. She's pregnant to him now and I feel very worried for her as she really struggles to cope. She tries her best for her children but it is too difficult for her and she won't ask for help easily. Her oldest tiddly is approaching 4 and has severe disabilities. I have offered to adopt her, with her still being called mum but she often gets very upset and accuses me of trying to steal her baby. The genuine reason I'd adopt her is because I think they both deserve better, she was just 14 at her daughter's birth. She has a very strong bond for that child but not her bambino, who she really isn't close to. My son managed to keep this girl on the straight and narrow. Since his passing, she has been very heavily drinking. She is distraught at losing him and she's told me that her life isn't worth living anymore. I think part of that is dramatic teenaged nonsense.

My 23 y/o daughter isn't particularly bothered about my husband and I. She used to be in and out of the house but she doesn't bother to contact us any more unless she wants money. She acted indifferent when we received the news of our son's death.

My 29 y/o is a disgrace to us. He isn't the man we raised him to be. The less said about him the better. He treats us like we're enemies rather than family.

The only two I've really got is my mouthy pregnant 15 y/o and my late son's fiancee. Both of which drive me berserk most of the time. My y/o hates me most of the time and we have spoiled her too much because she was conceived after fertility problems, hence the 8 year gap. The only child who was a credit to our family was my late son who was kind, polite and sweet. His ex girlfriend keeps texting his phone, and his fiancee's, saying that she's sorted her head out and that my son wanted her and their likely fantasy baby.

On top of having to deal with feeling like a huge failure as a mother, my marriage is being put to the test. Husband doesn't want youngest daughter keeping the baby, or son's fiancee living with us. He thinks that we should report her to the children's social services if there is a worry with the tiddlies. We have been together for 31 years and I haven't felt like I am with the man I married a long time ago. The gap in our ages became apparent. Husband is 60 and I am in my late 40s. We spoke about divorce a couple of years ago but decided that it was too inconvenient at this stage of our lives.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. blush

MsJupiter Sun 09-Mar-14 00:09:13

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss.

There are so many issues you are trying to deal with but you can't solve them all at once. Rather than adopt the child, just offer support to the mother and hopefully your relationship with her will strengthen and carry on good memories of your son into the future.

Any marriage would go under a lot of strain at such an awful time. I wish you and your family some peace and a chance to deal with these issues slowly and gently over time.

thanksthanksthanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 09-Mar-14 15:27:36

Sincere sympathy for your dreadful loss, canaryisland.

As MsJupiter says you have undergone such a worrying time, hardly a surprise you feel at such a low ebb. May I just say I know perfectly lovely people who were wonderful parents but their DCs have ploughed their own furrow? Putting it kindly they are cut from different cloth and just aren't interested in their parents beyond walking ATMs, sad to say. Your middle two DCs seem to fall in the category of "Parents? Huh who needs 'em". It doesn't mean that you and/or DH failed as parents. As you mention, your late son was a warm loving human being so you should take credit for that. He was probably a tough act to follow so his siblings may not be clones but there is time for them to thaw out towards you.

If you have looked at the Teenagers' section of the Parenting category I am sure you will have read accounts of parents struggling with their teens every bit as shall we say, 'challenging' as your 15 yo DD. She is about to enter a massive learning curve and for all her bravado I wouldn't be surprised if she's actually very scared and apprehensive.

Remember you love DD but dislike her behaviour.

How far along is she? Regarding your DH's stance, it's not about whether she believes in abortion or not, it's about what is best for her and her circumstances. Has she expressed clear reasons for wanting to keep this baby? Help her to make her own decision after discussing all the options. It is very important that DD understands what she is doing and what your limitations will be in financial and practical help. Yes having a baby could be the making of your DD but I think she needs counselling and definitely a midwife specializing in teenage pregnancy, if she is set on having a baby.

Was your DS's last partner his fiancee or not, she might not have been the ideal choice but for whatever reason it sounds like he did choose her. Dramatic teenage nonsense or not she must miss him so much.

It must be so difficult trying not to take over yet feeling exasperated at what looks like haphazard pregnancies. Of course there are huge practical concerns but a little part of me would think a new baby - let alone two - would bring some much needed joy into your life right now.

www.cruse.org.uk/? the British bereavement charity is excellent for support.

I know this is a good corner of MN to post when you want to avoid being tracked as much as possible but I'm not sure you'll get a lot of traffic here. Maybe post two separate threads, one about your late son's gf and one elsewhere about your DD?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 09-Mar-14 15:42:59

Oh disregard part of that last paragraph got my sections muddled blush.

With regard to your DS's gf and her struggles with her two DCs, I actually think your DH is right in one sense. She is trying her best but drinking must impair her ability to do a good job even if her grief is at the root of it. I think your DD's needs are requiring so much from you and DH right now it would be sensible to call on outside support for the young woman and her DCs. Social Services aren't only there to wade in and stir things up.

canaryisland Sun 16-Mar-14 19:20:10

It has been a while since I've logged in, I appreciate your replies. Let me clarify a few things:

My son was engaged to the teenager with 2 children and is currently pregnant to him. His previous relationship was to a mentally ill and volatile woman amid a divorce, who claims on and off that she's pregnant not that I believe her.

My 15 y/o doesn't want an abortion as she's defiant. My husband makes it worse as he tells her that she doesn't have an option and she just challenges him. She's mouthy and it's an effort to get her to act normal.

My 29 y/o doesn't use me for money, as he has his own. But he is violent towards anyone, regularly getting involved in drug fuelled fights and he easily hits women. He is truly a disappointment to us.

The situation has changed over the last week, as I became sick of the fiancee of my son's behaviour. I will post in the teenager section.

Thank you all.

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