aching to have a daughter

[bellyup124]

ive name changed for this because im so embarrassed to feel this way but when i see mums with daughters i ache inside. i have two boys whom i love dearly. i wanted a third child but my husband wouldnt entertain the idea. ive been torn up ever since. i think because the chance of having a daughter was taken away from me. my husband is a twat and weve talked about divorce. thats another story. but getting back to my orginal point i just cant help bt almost cry when i see mummies hugging their daughters. if i analyse this myself i think its because my marriage is awful. a mess. im married to someone who makes decisions without consulting me, we live separate lives pretty much. and i just feel that in the future because i have boys i wont be close to them. im doing all the work with them now, it is me who does everything for them but i just feel that yers down the line when daddy has his huge house etc he will somehow 'take' them from me and ill be left with nothing. you know how men are about their mothers, well not everyone. but once they marry their wife is their new family. can you see how pathetic i sound. but this is tearing me up. please help me

[Theyaremysunshine]

In all honesty I think you're just projecting the feelings you have from your marriage onto something else.

There is no reason to suppose your boys won't be close to you as adults. DH adored his mum (sadly passed away) and phoned her every day. I haven't spoken to mine for over 4 years.

There is no guarantee you and your hypothetical daughter would have even close to the sort of relationship you dream of. But if you work on your relationship with your boys, and keep it strong, there's absolutely no reason they'll suddenly want nothing to do with you.

I mean this in the kindest way, but you need to get a grip and enjoy your lovely kids. It's hard work bringing up children, absolutely, but looking for some result at the end where a child will always be there for you and/or look after you will drive you mad. We have them, and hopefully enjoy turning them into decent, independent adults. That's the job. It's not about what you get when they're older.

I'm sorry you're so unhappy, but wishing for a mythical daughter is doing a big disservice to your sons.

[NaturalBaby]

I have 3 boys. There is no guarantee your 3rd child would be a girl so logically I'm sure you know this isn't about having a daughter.

You only have to do a bit more reading on MN to see that there are plenty of mother daughter relationships that aren't great and plenty of daughters who have better relationships with their mil's than their own mothers.

Think about your feelings and emotions carefully to work out what this is really about, because you're beating yourself up about something and you're not quite on the right track. If you can work out what the real issue is then you can take real steps to working it out and feeling better.
Focus on the present - what is going on right now with you and your family. Don't waste this time with your children because of fears you have for a future that will probably be totally different to the one you are imagining.

[TamerB]

I think that you are unhappy with your life. You need to sort yourself out. A daughter wouldn't solve any of your problems. You only have to read MN to see how many people have difficult relationships with their mothers. You can have life long loving relationships with sons, their wife just becomes an extra person to love.
The saying about a daughter being for life and a son until he gets a wife is rubbish in many cases. Most likely your mythical DD would be a 'Daddy's girl'- many are especially if he is in a position to lavish money and spoil them.

[TamerB]

Cross posted with NaturalBaby and find we said virtually the same.

[TamerB]

It is 50/50 you would get a third boy.

[Mrsantithetic]

Definitely what poster above said.

I don't have a very good relationship with my dm but very close to df.

Enjoy your sons and kick your husband out. I'm sure you feel a lot better

[bellyup124]

thanks for all your advice i think youve hit a few nails on the head. im extremely close to my boys and they adore me and i them. yes i think the thorn in my side is my husband

[TamerB]

Keep them adoring you! I have found that mine have girlfriends who are very like me and are so easy to get on with. Have you thought of going to Relate?

[TamerB]

It is very similar to people thinking 'if only I was thin my life would be different' whereas in reality they carry the same problems with them. It is the problem that needs sorting.

[Ledkr]

Op I felt like you with my 3 ds and now look back I was too focussing on that rather than my crap life.
I did go on to have a dd but ex then left us when she was tiny and went off with a young girl.
She is now 12 and sullen cheeky and hard flipping work.
My boys are like my best mates (adults now) and I see lots if them and their partners.
Concentrate on making your life nicer and you will stop obsessing over this.

[cory]

Sorry to hear that things are so bad in your marriage.

But really, it would be an awful thing to expect a dd to carry that burden for you - and potentially a terrible disappointment if she wasn't able to live up to what you needed from her.

Do as other posters have said: deal with your marriage and enjoy the closeness to your boys.

Incidentally, I am the only dd in a family of 3 boys and my mother had very much the same expectations on me as you suggest you would have on a dd. 50 years later, though we are all very fond of each other, I am the one who has emigrated and whom she only sees twice a year: my brother and his family live in the same building and are a constant support to her. So don't write those boys off.

[TamerB]

I am the same-I live nearly 300 miles away-my brother is the one she sees several times a week.