raised by father, how it affects you as a mother(6 Posts)
Just wondering if anyone else on here was raised by their father and if you think it has affected how you mother your child(ren). Sorry this is longer than I thought it would be!
Mom had mental health problems and when she was physically there, she wasn't there mentally, and then she wasn't there at all (not dead, just not there). I grew up in a very big city and my father taught me from a young age how to be streetwise, not get taken advantage of, etc. He always said that his main goal as a parent was to give me the tools to be happy and successful on my own.
He was hard on me in terms of school, sports (anything competitive) but we did fun stuff too so really he was quite a fair parent. But what he wasn't was coddling or cuddly etc. So if I skinned a knee, it was never a big hug and kiss and wiping away of tears, it was 'so you're not going to jump off of a moving bike again, yeah?', a clean-up/plaster and that was it.
I will spare you all of the examples of my father's words coming out of my mouth ('Are you kidding me with this book? You never let me get past the first page, go get something you'll let me read.'). Definitely no 'hello my schmoopy girl, give mommy some cuddle wuddles' in this house. DD is bright and pretty hilarious so it doesn't seem to affect her but I do wonder if one day she's gonna be like 'wow you are a bitch!'.
I'm really into the practical, always thinking about teaching her useful skills and am rubbish at anything creative, it literally never pops into my head to have her do anything like that - again probably because my dad would give me an anatomy book and tell me to figure out where tears come from by the time dinner was ready.
I'd be really curious to know if there's someone else who was raised by their father or someone as a strong male influence and if you think this has affected how you mother your child.
Not me but my mum was raised by her father and she was/is much like you describe.
I have always described her as a tomboy. We were never girly girls, she didn't dress us up or make our hair look nice.
We were also expected to figure stuff out ourselves, I remember asking what a word was in a book and she wouldn't tell me...but I did figure it out by myself and was very chuffed!
The word was 'bridge' by the way, it's stuck with me!!
She wasn't overly demonstrative with us but showed she cared in more practical ways...when my friends were being mean to me she told me she couldn't change them but brought me a cake to cheer me up. When I was being a brat she wrote me a letter saying she didn't like my behaviour but always loved me.
My dad was raised by just his mum and he was the cuddly playful parent. He also sewed/embroidered beautifully!
Jimmy my word was 'condom' - I asked what it was and lo and behold, the next day a dictionary appeared on my bed when I got home from school.
All of that stuff you describe is stuff I can see myself saying/doing, it's made me feel good to read it, like when you read a horoscope and it winds up being spot-on.
Growing up I never felt my mum was different to other mums. When I read your post I just thought, yes, she was raised by her dad and she IS like that! Just practical and no nonsense. I would say it's made me an independent person. I don't expect others to solve my problems. It's like she raised us as a feminist but she was just seeing things from a male perspective.
I say 'was' but she's still alive! Just not actively raising me anymore
I'm glad you felt good reading my response, I think I've turned out ok!!
When you describe your Dad's response to your skinned knee that could easily be my mum!
I was raised by my mum largely without a dad around, so sort of the opposite, and I promise you there were no "shmoopy woopy" cuddles etc in our house My mum didn't and I don't, in fact I find the idea kind of sick-making.
I think your parenting sounds great. I'm not sure if it's because I was raised just by my mum or whether it's just my personality but I tend to worry about and analyse everything that I do whereas DH is more matter of fact and doesn't worry about every word he says to DS even if he did make a mistake and, for example, upset him when he didn't mean to. I feel mortified if I say something that I feel was "wrong" even if DS is not in the least bit upset by it.
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