How do you set boundaries / discipline your children without ending up shouting?!

[MumbleJumbles]

I have 3 kids (6yo, 5yo, 2yo). They're generally brilliantly behaved when out of the house in public, but can be little monsters at home (particularly the older 2, who fight like cat & dog!).

I think we're going through a bit of a phase at the moment, but I seem to find myself screaming / shouting at them on a daily basis, and its really beginning to get us all down. THey don't listen / don't respond to me / carry on fighting / don't seem to care about the consequences of their actions.

I feel like i've lost the plot a bit recently and I'm turning into a bad, shouty mum, which I don't want to be. How do you discipline your kids WITHOUT ending up screaming / shouting?

[AngryPrincess]

I found this book quite helpful:
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380570009/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1394299135&sr=8-2&keywords=how%20to%20talk%20so%20kids%20will%20listen%20and%20listen%20so%20kids%20will%20talk&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[AngryPrincess]

That link looks a bit rubbish so here's the title: how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

[Andro]

I respond by going very, very calm...scary calm according to my dc.

Do your older 2 share a room? if not then send them to their rooms to calm down.

Why are they fighting (ask them when they're calm), is it something that you can then help with by putting a rule/routine/timer in place?

Are they getting any/enough 1:1 time with you/your DP?

Are they getting enough exercise?

[BertieBotts]

I am prone to a bit of calm, calm, calm... furious! which isn't helpful. I know what I want to do in theory but it never seems to come out that way!

Do you find you don't know how to deal with situations as they come up and end up shouting in the vague hope it will be motivating and/or make them listen more? Or is it more that you have a solution/way of dealing with things that you'd like to do but the frustration in the moment takes over and you end up shouting? Or (even worse!) are you dealing with it in a nice calm way and then it doesn't work so you switch to shouting as a sort of last resort?

[wigglesrock]

I have an 8, 6 & 3 year old. When the older two bicker I just leave the room. Go upstairs, tidy up, have a 10 minute play on MN, just leave them - they don't argue as much in an empty room. I bickered with my sister quite a lot. I do raise my voice the odd time, but I have perfected a bit of a growl If the 3 of them are niggling at each other about something they want to watch on the tv etc I just turn it off until they can be civil or come up with some sort of compromise.

[survivingthechildren]

What are the consequences for acting up? I definitely understand the vicious cycle of repeating yourself for the umpteenth time and then going KABOOM.

The best thing to do is (well, works for me at least!):

DC does behaviour X.
One warning (however this depends of what it is, hitting/extreme cheek goes straight to consequence in our house)
Then follow through

Sounds simple but of course it's difficult. DC will try you on when you start to implement this, but they cotton on pretty quick!

Try and have a consequence that fits the action, i.e. fighting over a toy results in it's removal. Try no keep the warning to one sentence and not nag. Mine seem to hear " DS if you blah blah blah blah disrespectful blah blah blah one more blah blah blah". "DS that attitude is disrespectful. If you continue to speak to me like that, I will sent you to your room". They seem to hear that clearer!