Why does my mum take no notice?

[findingherfeet]

Just a moan really but I'm struggling with my mum who is the only other person who looks after DD (2 1/2) other than me and hubs.

Firstly I know my mum loves her, she does lots of things brilliantly and doesn't accept any money etc from us.

Background: she started looking after her twice a week when I went back to work (just before 1st birthday) my mum would never listen to anything I asked or requested about feeding/sleep/cleaning which I tried to address with her but in the end just 'sucked it up' as i didn't have a whole lot of choice. An example of not listening being one hot day I dropped DD off having applied sun cream but asked my mum to reapply whilst out, when I collected her mum had a bit of a go at me for having to keep DD in the shade because I hadn't provided sun cream - I'd shown her the bottle of it in the bag in the morning DD was always hysterical with tiredness when I collected her, she did and still does love a long nap but my mum wouldn't put her to sleep if for example she wanted to take her somewhere or if they were enjoying an activity.

Other things I found hard was she wouldn't wipe her face/brush her hair because DD didn't like it. She would leave her far too long IMO before changing her nappy so it would leak and I would ask mum to dry her bum with a muslin but for some reason my mum felt this unnecessary and so DD would often have a red bum after two 'nanna days'. My husband in particular was horrified by the food my mum would offer her (I initially packed a lunch but it seemed mum took offence to this and wouldn't offer it) I think we're pretty relaxed with what DD eats and I don't worry about treats etc but my mum would give her the same things constantly, lots of treats and started giving her microwave meals, which we asked her not to, she was only one (I don't know if this was unreasonable of us but...)

Anyway I've recently given up my job partly because I was struggling with child care issue but also as I'm expecting second baby.

I know my mum was hurt that she now doesn't have DD as often (I haven't told her how hard I found it that DD never fully settled into her care) and that one morning a week I've been sending DD to nursery - my mum has made it very clear she isn't impressed about this. But when I finished work I asked mum if she would still like to have DD once a week as she does enjoy seeing her nanna and they do have fun together but my mum didn't take me up on this and even made reference to finding it boring having DD play at her house (?!)

Anyway recently my mum has offered to have her one morning a week and seems very enthusiastic about this and my daughter loves the activities they do. Nappy changing and cleaning aren't done as I would like but it really doesn't matter for one morning and I'm happy with lunch she gives her (same sarnie every time but DD likes it so who cares!)

I've asked my mum to get her back for 1.30 for nap time (or let her nap at hers and bring her home later in day) but she NEVER does. Today DD returned home at 2.15 screaming her head of with exhaustion, throwing 'fling yourself on floor' style tantrum and it just seems so unnecessary !

Any ideas how I can nicely repeat myself to my mum without her thinking I'm just being difficult or precious?!

Baby 2 due next week (hence why I might be over reacting) but my mum is the only person I have to look after DD when I go into labour and I really don't want to return home to miserable toddler esp if I'm away over night

[TartanBed]

You are not alone! Whenever my parents have my DS everything I ask goes out the window. They spoil him rotten, let him do whatever he wants even though it results in him being so grumpy when he's tired out. I've nicely explained 'I'm sure you didn't do this with me' etc but they just say 'he's our special boy' - Over time I've just learnt to let go as I was probs a control freak about it but certain things you've got to stick to, ie the sleep! But it's an awkward topic so tread carefully, I didn't speak to them for a few months as they thought they knew best but didn't have to deal with the consequences of the junk food and lack of sleep. Good luck

[cakehappy]

Ummm...your mum obviously insists on doing things her way, so it's a choice. Go with it or stop putting her in your mum's care. TBH there are so many people( me) who would give anything to free childcare with a grandparent, I really wouldn't care about the over tiredness and throwing themself on the floor!!! happens all the time in my house...DS just immediately gets whisked up to bed.not saying you are unappreciative!

[Clobbered]

I don't think you've much choice but to go along with it now that DC2 is so imminent. It's bound to be a tricky time anyway with a new baby in the mix, so it probably isn't a good idea to fall out with your Mum over it all at the moment. Once you are back on your feet after the birth (i.e. in a couple of months at least) it will be time to review the situation and try to take back some control. If you want DD to nap at a certain time, then you will have to make sure she is in your care at that time i.e. you go and fetch her in good time. Perhaps you could let your Mum look after the new baby for a while instead and have some special time with your older child - that might be less disruptive overall?

[fairylightsatchristmas]

depends how good the relationship is and if it could stand a frank conversation. If so, I would suggest being absolutely definite, not "home at 1.30 ) OR a nap at hers", but "home at 1.30". I wouldn't worry about the food if its once a week but nap type things are a nightmare. PIL used to do this with DS and DD when they had them for a few hours (not childcare, just taking them out). They'd keep them out, not change wet nappies and generally fill them full of treats and then act totally innocent / surprised when we had a pig of an evening.

[HelenHen]

I've had some days when it wasn't worth me having the break cos ds was such a nightmare when he came home! Mil ignores a lot I say too... Nap is always late, plenty of treats, nappy rash, he wakes up at night when they have him too for a couple hours and he still sleeps in their room which I don't like! I've stopped letting him sleep over for a while cos it's been a bit disruptive! I do appreciate them having him and know grandparents will always be easier but it's just confusing him at this age. I let them have him for the odd day now and its not too bad!

[princesspants]

God, not alone. It's horrible when you can't speak to your own mum about anything without them jumping down your throat and taking offense at the slightest thing. I have one just the same. Different problems but same reaction.

I have no advice as I haven't found a way of dealing with my own mum yet and I am 37 and have 3 children!

The only thing I would say is write down all of the things that drive you nuts about your mum. Firstly it will make you feel better off loading all of it and secondly - keep it. Read it when your DD is an adult and make sure you don't slowly turn into your own mother . This is my plan!

[findingherfeet]

Thank you guys, glad I'm not the only one! It's probably more about my relationship with my mum than anything I guess...

I certainly don't want to fall out with her over it, I know we are lucky to have someone to help, I just wish she would listen sometimes....#sigh#

I wouldn't stop DD spending time with her grandmother, both of them would miss out...and I'm grateful to be able to go to appointments etc in those hours in peace. As soon as I'm not so massively pregnant I will pick her up myself (even if I get tutted at for making a fuss)

I already feel better having posted so thank you for 'listening'.....and it might be wicked but I also find myself thinking 'I won't turn in to my mother I won't!' (About other things not just petty child care annoyances mind!)

[Davsmum]

It would be nice if your mother followed your orders about how to do everything with your child - but if she doesn't and it bothers you, just don't ask or rely on her to look after the child.

You grew up and survived her way of doing things so I should think your DD will be ok too.