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I can't cope with my baby

(87 Posts)
Lost1401 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:24:51

Name changed for this. I have a 3 week old and I can't cope with him.
He's spent the last few days cluster feeding and I can't do anything or go anywhere. I can barely find time for myself to go to the toilet. On a night when I put him down he whinges and it then turns into full on screams until I feed him again even if he delatched himself and showed no more interest in feeding.
My partners gone to work on barely any sleep and I'm functioning on no sleep. He's feeding yet again, he's been feeding constantly. He screams when I change his nappy and he cries when I change his clothes. I just want to put him down and run away.
It got to the point earlier where when he was crying I shouted at him to shut up. Sometimes I leave him to cry because I'm scared I'm going to hurt him if I go to pick him up because I get angry. I know that's awful, getting angry with a tiny baby. I know it's not his fault and I feel like such a shit mum sad
I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so down and I dread the night times with him. I seriously cannot cope anymore.

SanneSannes Thu 20-Feb-14 22:36:20

How are you doing OP?
Just to let you now that so many women feel like this in the early weeks-invluding myself after DC2 was born....but that does not mean you have to go through this without help. please do reach out to you HV/GP, friends, etc as they can help and provide useful support and tips how to cope better. Sleep deprivation is a killer and bf can be so exhausting. Hope you are ok.

Bumpiemalumpie Mon 17-Feb-14 18:35:22

How are you feeling op?

We had a stressful weekend with a change in poo colour!!

I remember being told that when you give birth you gain a baby and a guilt gland that will be overactive! I think this is the best information I was given!!


Gemdar Mon 17-Feb-14 13:09:11

Sorry not had chance to read all replies so sorry if I duplicate!

Just wanted to say I felt the same with dd at your stage, had dreadful anxiety and thought I'd made an awful mistake having a baby. No one had warned me I could feel like this so was sure I was getting PND.

Things improved gradually (6 weeks then 12 weeks were my goals) and easing the pressure I put on myself to be 'a perfect mum' helped.

My DD cluster fed lots and was very sucky so was comforting rather than feeding but I hadn't realised. The breastfeeding midwife at the hospital said there was too much emphasis on nipple confusion and that once a baby knows how to latch properly its rare to forget. So she checked my latch then I introduced a dummy and the odd expressed bottle at about 10 days. No probs with my milk and bf til 11 months (only stopped as PG again it got painful).

Try not to worry, how you feel doesn't mean you will get PND or that you don't love your baby. A newborn is so hard with no sleep for you and this crying bundle that doesn't come with instructions but gradually things settle.

Second time round was still hard for me but least I knew to expect it and just 'survived' the early weeks.

Well done and congrats!

Isabeller Mon 17-Feb-14 11:02:19

your dilemma took me right back to a couple of weeks ago OP smile (weak, with eyebags)

I was just lying here thinking I am so tired but baby asleep and really have nothing to complain about (prem baby now 13 days corrected age, 10 weeks actual).

I might get this helpful book to cheer me up

MultipleMama Mon 17-Feb-14 10:44:58

I'm gunna be honest; It doesn't always get easier around the 4 week mark and all settle down. My twins were ebf on demand and cluster fed constantly so much so I had to introduce dreamfeeds to make them sleep longer during the nights to make them sleep longer. They are now 17mo and still drink upto 50+ oz of bm each a day and only two feeds during the night (thank god for my deep freezer!) However my previous DC were both fussy as a newborn but did settle down around 4 months.

Not trying to scare you or deter you, just making the point that it may be as simlple and easy for baby to settle into feeding but there are ways to cope and routines can help some.

I hope your baby does settle down and you get the rest that you need. smile

PuddingAndHotMilk Mon 17-Feb-14 10:09:52

Lost, it's so hard isn't it. I had a very similar start with DD (now 29 weeks) and I saw a lactation consultant who suggested she had ULT and was struggling with oversupply and fierce let down. It ended up transpiring that DD also had silent reflux. Luckily it's responded to infant gaviscon and now we are starting solids it's so much better.

If you want to EBF then keep going. I felt very similar to you and certainly was in the edge of PND and I know, for me anyway, introducing FF would have made me feel worse not better.

It was sometime around 6 weeks when I 'gave in' and realised it was going to be shit until it got better and somehow that made it easier. There were still times I had to put her down for 30 seconds and breathe but reframing it and immersing myself in the 4th trimester helped me cope emotionally.

There is some great advice upthread, especially about singing shut the fuck up and go to fucking sleep to the time of your favourite lullaby wink
I agree women should be more honey about how hard the first few weeks are - I felt truly awful admitting how much I hated the first few weeks but now, it's a whole different world and while still hard, it is very much more manageable.

Good luck and be kind to yourself thanks

redcarrot1 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:54:11

My baby is just over 3 weeks and is a cluster feeder also. I;ve had to put him down a number of times as I've been so tired I've fallen asleep while feeding. It is utterly exhausting. BUT, the last 2 days he's been quiet so I think its all to do with growth spurts etc. The HV said this is all normal. We just have to stick with it. Hope you're feeling better today.

BettyOff Mon 17-Feb-14 09:45:07

Oh. God yes Weebles, I felt the same and used to sing 'shut the fuck up' to the tune of the lullaby. Very cathartic!

BettyOff Mon 17-Feb-14 09:43:28

OP I know a lot of people have said this but I felt exactly the same and also felt like I had to do everything myself because it was me my baby needed and the weight of responsibility with the sleep deprivation and feeling like I didn't know how to do anything right just had me a crying, shouting, angry mess the whole time. It's only with hindsight that I realised that the world wouldn't have ended and my baby wouldn't have come to any harm if I'd handed her over some of the time and got some rest. If your mum is still around or any friends or DP then let them take the baby out for a few hours and get some proper rest, a nice bath and a bit of time to yourself. The baby may cry during that time and may want to feed but for a few hours he'll be absolutely fine, as you said he's putting on weight, feeding well and is a healthy baby, you just need to make sure you keep yourself healthy too. I wish I'd accepted more help now and it's not a mistake I'd make again.

weebleswillwobble Mon 17-Feb-14 09:34:58

Nothing to add as the mountains of advice already posted is brilliant, but just wanted to say I felt the same. HATED baby days of DD, it was, to date, one of the worst experiences of my life. She cried and cried, I cried and cried, it was horrible. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. BUT - it wasn't! And it got better and better and better (even though she is still a massive pain in the backside!! Albeit a lovely one!).

I'm sure there are people who enjoy the baby bit, and hell, I (almost) did the second time around, but I think on the whole the first 12 weeks or so are just a time to be got through as best as possible. It is SUCH a shock to the system - I only wish people would talk more honestly about it. And if you reach the shutup shouty stage, I found it very cathartic to sing lullabys in a sweet voice but swapping all the lyrics for swear words (!).

Keep going. And every night sit down and think of what bits went well during the day, no matter how small.

Lj8893 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:22:01

I don't know why Gemma's post was taken so offensively either!

BonaDea Mon 17-Feb-14 08:40:35

I just don't understand why people are not more honest before we have babies! Newborns are hell, pure and simple. It is totally brutal and no one really warns you about it in advance.

But it will get better very soon. Just hang on in there. And carry on bf'ing!

HelenHen Mon 17-Feb-14 08:28:23

I don't see how Gemma's post was so offensive. It's true!

GemmaPomPom Mon 17-Feb-14 06:56:13

I am sorry it was taken the wrong way, honestly I meant to help. If anything, I get very irritated at how people are made to feel like a failure if they don't ebf.

SomewhatSilly Mon 17-Feb-14 06:27:49

Well Gemma, perhaps you could acknowledge that your point could and should have been made in a more compassionate and thoughtful manner where the OP is so obviously vulnerable.

GemmaPomPom Mon 17-Feb-14 05:33:41

OP, you completely missed the point of my post. If things are that bad, then surely it makes sense to introduce some formula? Although I bf mine, I would ocassionally give them a bottle if they were extra hungry or I was extra tired. It sounds like you could benefit from doing the same, at least then your DH could feed the baby whilst you get some sleep.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Sun 16-Feb-14 05:27:49

godsend -- dammit i need some sleep now--

Night OP smile

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Sun 16-Feb-14 05:25:32

oh and gemma Have a biscuit and DFOD - Leaving a baby to cry is better than shaken baby syndrome. The OP is talking minutes not hours ffs. I also understand her totally re bf rather than ff from a practical point of view - I have the utmost respect for ff for the time they take in sterilising and getting up to warm up bottles.* I am too lazy to do that - bf means I don't have to. If OP is knackered and on a sleep deficit adding bottle prep to the mix won't help unless dp who is working steps up to the plate. I say that as a practical person not a lactivist.
FF won't cure tongue tie, colic, reflux, clinginess or growth spurts - it might help lengthen the gaps when cluster feeding but it isn't a cure-all for a Crier. Same as bf isn't.

*Caveat - am aware micro sterilisers are fantastic and bottle warmers are effective. Have worked in a creche.
caveat 2 - the apatamil starter pack from boots 6 x 90 mil (540ML total but in 6 ready made bottles with teats) are expensive but can be used asap/no need for sterilising and at room temp. These are a godsave if a top-up is needed or dp wants to do a one-off shift.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Sun 16-Feb-14 05:09:53

Hello Lost Here gorgeous have some cake and brew and a bunch of flowers. PLEASE cut yourself some slack. Everyone knows how hard cluster feeding is, how draining ebf is, how you in sleep deprived mode will do anything To. Make. It. Stop.

All I have is this for you...
1. Make sure dp is preparing you sandwiches wrapped in foil and put in the fridge before going to work.
2. Move a mattress onto the floor or invest in a futon mattress and a decent breastfeeding pillow.
3. Get big jug of water and juice, bowl of nuts, raisins, babybels or cheese cubes, packet of oaty biccies etc all at hand.
4. Get naked. Get baby. Lay down. Skin on skin. Try with your baby and pillow to get into position comfortable for both of you. Try to sleep when baby sleeps. He may learn quickly how to latch on himself while you are asleep ( I am a big girl. not obese but big, am also exhausted but my body intuitively knows where the baby is - have three, never rolled on them. If this unnerves you as you are so tired get dp to watch over the pair of you on a weekend afternoon and try to catch up some precious sleep that way)
5. Ask dp to take baby for walk or drive even for ten minutes and 'power nap'
6. Forget housework and cooking until more human - any friends or family able to offer a meal at theirs or to cook at yours or put a hoover round grab at it and stay in bed. If noone available and finances can cope then ready meals and dp does the screaming as a rotation shift.
7. Sippy cup or small cappucino cup and ready formula to top up - done in the bath as it is messy - the formula can be used at room temp and does not need mixing OR aptamil have ready to use six packs of 90ml formula including teats which means dp could do one night for you just to save your sanity

8. If above and you worry about supply revert back to babymooning (baby skin on skin in bed with you) next day AND drink some breastfeeding tea (fennel, fenugreek etc you get teabags for bf mums)

I hit the wall at 7 weeks with dc1, dc2 and dc3 did the above....a lot easier to cope with. ebf til 2yrs+ Not suggesting the latter - AM saying that co-sleeping can make it easier. Shifts - dp sleeps separately 12-6am then relieves you for an hour, does 50% at weekends and/or gives you weekend lie-ins/2 hours on 2 hours off turn-taking - This is what will help you survive.

The earliest weeks are hellish - especially if first child.
The urge to throw your baby out the window does not make you the world's worst mum - it makes you human.
Cry-sis etc are on the end of the phone.
Walking out the room/away from your baby if you need to take a minute to repose yourself/count to ten/make a tea etc is EXACTLY what you need to do and what is recommended. That is how people DON'T throw their babies out of windows.

9. Check for colic/reflux/other causes
10. Try a dummy - I got the natural rubber one Orlando Bloom used grin and dc2 didn't want it the heathen!

10. pm me any time you want a vent or shoulder to cry on or bump this thread. I will look out for you as I am often up at stupid o'clock.

You are coping in the hardest darkest bleakest moments. Many have been there and we can offer virtual hugs xxx

snowqu33n Sun 16-Feb-14 03:00:12

Just wanted to say that it will be much easier just a few weeks from now - my lowest point was at about 4 weeks and now DS is 9 weeks and it is so much better, everyone is calmer, DS, me, and DH, and there is a pattern to life with more sleep time. Hang on for just a bit longer and it will be great when your LO smiles at you and starts looking around and gurgling and doing funny faces. This difficult time will pass. Every day things change a little bit, like baby's neck gets stronger so you can hold him more confidently and so on.

CheerfulYank Sun 16-Feb-14 02:06:59

I remember DD screaming and screaming at night and DH had to put her in her car set and drive around for almost an hour before she stopped and went to sleep. She was miserable in this world for at 8 months people comment on what an unusully happy and calm baby she is. It WILL pass but it doesn't feel like it, does it!?

Yy to whoever said getting the whole "feeding while lying down" thing is wonderful. It took DD a lot of practice but now I co sleep with her and barely have to wake when she does during her nap and at night time....I just insert boob and go back to sleep. smile

kilmuir Sat 15-Feb-14 20:37:35

I BF my 4 dc.
I remember the first few weeks well. You are doing well, having a baby takes a lot of adjusting to, never mind being sleep deprived.
I fed lying on the bed when I could. I had a c section and found it comfy. Assuming baby is gaining weight just concentrate on feeding and looking after yourself. Accept help with housework etc.
They do feed a lot, but it does get better.
I remember my mum saying that there was no problem putting baby back in cot for 10 mins or so if i was feeling upset. They are safe. Go and put kettle on and then go back.

Ra88 Sat 15-Feb-14 20:28:37

Lost - your not alone , I you read my posts over the last week you will see that ! I have a 2 week old DS and it's been so tiring ! You have been through a lot mentally and physically , it does get easier (experience as have a 4yo dd) sometimes it just takes a little longer than we think and a little harder than we expected

SomewhatSilly Sat 15-Feb-14 20:20:06

While I appreciate what previous posters are saying about ff, as someone who bf through PND, I just want to reassure you that it is possible to carry on feeding through these difficult times if that is what you want to do.

1) You need to crack feeding while lying down as that will allow you to doze whilst feeding - it was an absolute lifesaver for me. There are some good videos on YouTube, or you could contact your local La Leche League group if you have one. If you PM me with your location I will search and see if there's one for you.

2) you need to find a sling that works for you. it's worth finding out if there is a sling group near you for advice.

3) are you taking a good multivitamin? Low levels of key nutrients (b,d etc) post pregnancy can affect your mood.

If you're anywhere near me, I will come round and show you how to feed lying down and my sling collection! My first DS was incredibly high needs and clingy, and as I said above, I had significant PND and did my fair share of shouting in the early days sad. It does get better - I'm now happily tandem feeding both him and his nearly one year old brother, and those hard, dark times are just a memory.

JuliaScurr Sat 15-Feb-14 19:51:41

yy mixed feeding
liquid cosh formula at night was magic
don't do any housework, get friends & rellies to do it
eat ready meals - some eg m&s are nice
how you feel is totally normal
it will get better

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