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how to control bad behaviour

(26 Posts)
dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:15:27

anyone have any tips on dealing with bad behavior from a 3yo? i feel like i have tried it all, but am seeing no improvements. i shout my head off all the time and its not working at all. i understand that bad behavior needs to be corrected rather than encouraged.

what makes it harder is the the stupid girlfriend always wants to cradle and cuddle our son after he loses his rag, which surely ends up with him thinking his behavior is acceptable. ive tried explaining this to the gf but its sometimes like she has no bloody brain or basic common sense. ive started dealing with all the behavior problems myself, telling the gf not to get involved.

but its causing friction, so advice appreciated.

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 13-Feb-14 20:18:10

tbh I'm not surprised it caused friction if you refer to her as 'the' GF. Is she the childs mother? What type of bad behaviour are you talking about?

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:22:39

what is wrong with me referring to my girlfriend as the gf? :S

bad behavior including pulling things off shelves, shouting, kicking etc the usuals

ForgettableTampon Thu 13-Feb-14 20:40:51

this is you too?

I am working on the premise that you are not some kind of deadbeat looking for jollies so here goes

Shouting is counter-intuitive, all it achieves is a sore throat for the shouter and a child who models their behaviour on the adults around them

So quit the shouting, yeah

Praise what you can, ignore the small stuff, get yourself on a parenting course

HTH smile <...............yep it's totes PA

SolomanDaisy Thu 13-Feb-14 20:45:41

Is there anything in particular that attracted you to MN as a place to talk about a mother in a derogatory manner?

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:46:21

ignore the small stuff? what like the kid pulling glasses of my kitchen surface?

PleaseNoScar Thu 13-Feb-14 20:50:41

Of course he tantrums -you do too when you "Shout your head off". He is only following the example you've set for him.

Model the behaviour you want to see. I bet your gf would like to see kindness and gentleness so that is what she models.

If he is in the shelves gently remove his hands and say Oopsy the books go on the shelves, let's put them back. There are loads of parenting books which will encourage a harmonious house (my favourite is Playful Parenting by Cohen if you are prepared to spend some money on the little tyke).
I appreciate it is hard to have to do an about turn with why you've been doing but in simple terms: it will make you all miserable(r)

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:51:16

daisy if your not going to contribute in any meaningful way then kindly dont bother posting? i am looking for help as i feel i am running out of ideas.

Eletheomel Thu 13-Feb-14 20:53:01

Firstly - stop shouting - that will achieve nothing other than perhaps making you feel better - it won't stop the behaviour. You are the adult, you need to stay calm (even if you are swearing inside your skull) remember that you're trying to teach your son how to behave - shouting at him to tell him not to shout is counterproductive.

Secondly, you cannot be the only person doing all the disciplining, esp if your gf has a different approach. You both need to agree how you're going to discipline him and you have to be consistent. Nothing will work if you are taking approach A) and your gf is taking approach B) - it doesn't matter how sterm you get. You both have to find something that you can both support and take forward.

Best bet for managing bad behaviour is recognising the triggers that pre-empt it. E.g. We have an 8 month old and a 4 year old. I know that on days when the baby is more demanding and doesn't nap, that my 4 year is on edge and likely to play up as he wants/needs some more of my attention. Look for clues and try and head him off at the pass.

How you want to discipline will really depend on the characters of your child as to what will work for him.

Be consistent, however you want to do it. Always warn him first that you're not happy with that behaviour and iniitally (if you think he's maybe bored and wanting attention) you might want to offer a distraction (e.g. why don't you come and play lego, do a picture, help me with x, watch x on the telly).

I've always given my son choices, e.g. if you continue to pull stuff off the shelves, I'll take away toy x, we wont' go to the park, there will be no biscuits at snack, etc (or whatever punishment you want to follow thgouh) OR, you can help me put the stuff back on the shelves now and we'll (do one of your favourite things). It's your choice. Then focus on, okay, well you decided this was going to happen. Always stay calm.

Some people would use the time out area, but I've never done that at all, closest I get is taking my son to another room and telling him he can't come back until he's decided to apologise (or whatever I want him to do) he usually comes back straight away and says sorry (he does'nt like exile :-)

But, different things will work for different kids, there is the penny jar approach, giving a penny for good behaviour and taking it away for bad.

But, unless you both agree what you want to do and what approach you think is reasonable, it wont' work and will just confuse your lad (shouted at one minute, cuddled the next).

TheGreatHunt Thu 13-Feb-14 20:53:08

He is copying you. You be nice and he will be too.

You sound horrible.

SolomanDaisy Thu 13-Feb-14 20:53:51

Well then, as a clue, are you modelling good behaviour and a respectful relationship for him? Because I find the way you talk about your son's mother appalling, so suspect he may be picking up on this.

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:55:58

eleth and scar, thankyou very much for your tips/advice. im going to read over them a few times and let it sink in. your both right than the shouting isnt the way to go.

eleth, in terms of my and the gf having contrasting methods of dealing with the kids temper i would agree, we do. i think i will have to just take a stand and say look, were doing it this way, that is that, like it or lump it. its probably better for the kid that way. brings about a bit of consistancy.

ForgettableTampon Thu 13-Feb-14 20:59:45

see, your last post, I think you're a'yanking our chains

I'm out

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:02:13

again, forgettable if you are not going to contribute please don't post. i genuinely am looking for advice i don't understand why you might think i am yanking your chains as you put it :S

PleaseNoScar Thu 13-Feb-14 21:04:49

Nope, that would be bullying (abusing) your gf. You both speak nicely to each other to decide together how your son's development can best be helped. And again it isn't on the thick end of your temper.
Your gf is modelling a living home, and you just aren't. You need to swallow your pride, recognise that she is doing it right and follow her lead.

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:08:46

what the bloody hell? i am not a bully nor am i abusing my girlfriend, what a ridiculous statement. my girl is not 'doing it right' she is caving into my kids demands and mollycoddling him like a little lord. i wont stand for that, because i know that ultimately it is not good for my sons development. if that means i have to exercise my dominance in a verbal manor and make a firm stand for how our son will be bought up then so be it.

love my son and gf, but these years of my kids development will determine the person he will grow up to be.

mellicauli Thu 13-Feb-14 21:15:42

I can recommend the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting. Remarkably effective techniques, even for a 3 year old/

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:16:29

ill have a look on amazon for that, thanks

PleaseNoScar Thu 13-Feb-14 21:20:14

Within a relationship, it is better to be a team- and if course to treat others as you would be treated.
When you read back your posts ask yourself if you would be happy to be in the receiving end of your level of "Dominance", what is the answer?

If you exert your verbal dominance to the extent that "We're doing it this way" with no regard for her thoughts, or the fact she might be responding to your shouting your head off - then that is abuse. Sorry you don't like it- but it's true.

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:22:59

sorry, noscar, just leave it - i really cant be bothered with pathetic internet arguing to see who makes the best points, i don't care its boring. i know you probably relish in a good ol argument on the ol internet but really i cant be bothered. go somewhere else. its my job to talk to my girlfriend not yours.

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:25:07

anymore tips on controlling and correcting my kids bad behavior would be welcome, but no tips on how to best control and communicate with my girlfriend thankyou.

amistillsexy Thu 13-Feb-14 21:56:12

Treat your child, and his mother, how you would like him to treat his son, and the mother of his son, when he grows up. Then you won't go far wrong.

NorksAreMessy Thu 13-Feb-14 22:03:11

Don't feed!

HelenHen Fri 14-Feb-14 08:16:25

Since none of us can really tell which, if either, of you are in the right from a few posts, I reckon you should really look into a parenting course, they could help you a lot better. Can you contact your health visitor and explain? To me it sounds like you and gf need to find a mature middle ground for the sake of the kid. Can you get your heads together and have a good old chat

cory Fri 14-Feb-14 09:15:49

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:08:46
"what the bloody hell? i am not a bully nor am i abusing my girlfriend, what a ridiculous statement. my girl is not 'doing it right' she is caving into my kids demands and mollycoddling him like a little lord. i wont stand for that, because i know that ultimately it is not good for my sons development. if that means i have to exercise my dominance in a verbal manor and make a firm stand for how our son will be bought up then so be it."

Your first job as a father is to model respectful and good behaviour. He will look to you to learn that.

If you call his mother "the stupid gf" and exercise your dominence in a verbal manner, then that's the kind of negotation skills he will learn- in another words, when he gets cross he will try shouting and aggressive language.

In order to learn good behaviour, he needs to respect both his parents. And if he sees you not respecting his mum, then that will be much harder for him.

If the pair of you work together and talk over things calmly, decide on rules and then enforce them calmly and firmly, he will learn to behave. It will take time because he is only little, but it will come.

All the best behaved older children I know have calm, consistent parents who work together as a team. Almost all the worst behaved children I know have parents who speak disrespectfully of other family members and cannot agree on consistent discipline.

You have to accept that you cannot control your child if you do not yourself model good behaviour. There is no point in asking us for tips on this because it simply can't be done.

I also wonder how much you know of normal child development. 3yos have very short attention spans, once they have worked their way through a tantrum they need to be able to forget about it and start again. So at that point, cuddling them is exactly the right thing to do. The thing not to do is to cave in and give them what they weren't supposed to have.

So if he kicks off because he wants something off a shelf that he shouldn't have the procedure is: don't give it to him, let him have the tantrum, cuddle him afterwards but still don't give him the thing.

Eventually the penny will drop and he will think "there's not much point in all this tantrumming, I never seem to get what I ask for by doing it". Expect it to take a year or so though, that's absolutely normal, it's not a sign that there's anything wrong either with him or his mother.

A lot of us have been through this and come out at the end with polite and well behaved teenagers or adult children.

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