how to control bad behaviour

[dantheman789]

anyone have any tips on dealing with bad behavior from a 3yo? i feel like i have tried it all, but am seeing no improvements. i shout my head off all the time and its not working at all. i understand that bad behavior needs to be corrected rather than encouraged.

what makes it harder is the the stupid girlfriend always wants to cradle and cuddle our son after he loses his rag, which surely ends up with him thinking his behavior is acceptable. ive tried explaining this to the gf but its sometimes like she has no bloody brain or basic common sense. ive started dealing with all the behavior problems myself, telling the gf not to get involved.

but its causing friction, so advice appreciated.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

tbh I'm not surprised it caused friction if you refer to her as 'the' GF. Is she the childs mother? What type of bad behaviour are you talking about?

[dantheman789]

what is wrong with me referring to my girlfriend as the gf? :S

bad behavior including pulling things off shelves, shouting, kicking etc the usuals

[ForgettableTampon]

this is you too?

I am working on the premise that you are not some kind of deadbeat looking for jollies so here goes

Shouting is counter-intuitive, all it achieves is a sore throat for the shouter and a child who models their behaviour on the adults around them

So quit the shouting, yeah

Praise what you can, ignore the small stuff, get yourself on a parenting course

HTH

[SolomanDaisy]

Is there anything in particular that attracted you to MN as a place to talk about a mother in a derogatory manner?

[dantheman789]

ignore the small stuff? what like the kid pulling glasses of my kitchen surface?

[dantheman789]

daisy if your not going to contribute in any meaningful way then kindly dont bother posting? i am looking for help as i feel i am running out of ideas.

[Eletheomel]

Firstly - stop shouting - that will achieve nothing other than perhaps making you feel better - it won't stop the behaviour. You are the adult, you need to stay calm (even if you are swearing inside your skull) remember that you're trying to teach your son how to behave - shouting at him to tell him not to shout is counterproductive.

Secondly, you cannot be the only person doing all the disciplining, esp if your gf has a different approach. You both need to agree how you're going to discipline him and you have to be consistent. Nothing will work if you are taking approach A) and your gf is taking approach B) - it doesn't matter how sterm you get. You both have to find something that you can both support and take forward.

Best bet for managing bad behaviour is recognising the triggers that pre-empt it. E.g. We have an 8 month old and a 4 year old. I know that on days when the baby is more demanding and doesn't nap, that my 4 year is on edge and likely to play up as he wants/needs some more of my attention. Look for clues and try and head him off at the pass.

How you want to discipline will really depend on the characters of your child as to what will work for him.

Be consistent, however you want to do it. Always warn him first that you're not happy with that behaviour and iniitally (if you think he's maybe bored and wanting attention) you might want to offer a distraction (e.g. why don't you come and play lego, do a picture, help me with x, watch x on the telly).

I've always given my son choices, e.g. if you continue to pull stuff off the shelves, I'll take away toy x, we wont' go to the park, there will be no biscuits at snack, etc (or whatever punishment you want to follow thgouh) OR, you can help me put the stuff back on the shelves now and we'll (do one of your favourite things). It's your choice. Then focus on, okay, well you decided this was going to happen. Always stay calm.

Some people would use the time out area, but I've never done that at all, closest I get is taking my son to another room and telling him he can't come back until he's decided to apologise (or whatever I want him to do) he usually comes back straight away and says sorry (he does'nt like exile :-)

But, different things will work for different kids, there is the penny jar approach, giving a penny for good behaviour and taking it away for bad.

But, unless you both agree what you want to do and what approach you think is reasonable, it wont' work and will just confuse your lad (shouted at one minute, cuddled the next).

[TheGreatHunt]

He is copying you. You be nice and he will be too.

You sound horrible.

[SolomanDaisy]

Well then, as a clue, are you modelling good behaviour and a respectful relationship for him? Because I find the way you talk about your son's mother appalling, so suspect he may be picking up on this.

[dantheman789]

eleth and scar, thankyou very much for your tips/advice. im going to read over them a few times and let it sink in. your both right than the shouting isnt the way to go.

eleth, in terms of my and the gf having contrasting methods of dealing with the kids temper i would agree, we do. i think i will have to just take a stand and say look, were doing it this way, that is that, like it or lump it. its probably better for the kid that way. brings about a bit of consistancy.

[ForgettableTampon]

see, your last post, I think you're a'yanking our chains

I'm out

[dantheman789]

again, forgettable if you are not going to contribute please don't post. i genuinely am looking for advice i don't understand why you might think i am yanking your chains as you put it :S

[dantheman789]

what the bloody hell? i am not a bully nor am i abusing my girlfriend, what a ridiculous statement. my girl is not 'doing it right' she is caving into my kids demands and mollycoddling him like a little lord. i wont stand for that, because i know that ultimately it is not good for my sons development. if that means i have to exercise my dominance in a verbal manor and make a firm stand for how our son will be bought up then so be it.

love my son and gf, but these years of my kids development will determine the person he will grow up to be.

[mellicauli]

I can recommend the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting. Remarkably effective techniques, even for a 3 year old/

[dantheman789]

ill have a look on amazon for that, thanks

[dantheman789]

sorry, noscar, just leave it - i really cant be bothered with pathetic internet arguing to see who makes the best points, i don't care its boring. i know you probably relish in a good ol argument on the ol internet but really i cant be bothered. go somewhere else. its my job to talk to my girlfriend not yours.

[dantheman789]

anymore tips on controlling and correcting my kids bad behavior would be welcome, but no tips on how to best control and communicate with my girlfriend thankyou.

[amistillsexy]

Treat your child, and his mother, how you would like him to treat his son, and the mother of his son, when he grows up. Then you won't go far wrong.

[NorksAreMessy]

Don't feed!

[HelenHen]

Since none of us can really tell which, if either, of you are in the right from a few posts, I reckon you should really look into a parenting course, they could help you a lot better. Can you contact your health visitor and explain? To me it sounds like you and gf need to find a mature middle ground for the sake of the kid. Can you get your heads together and have a good old chat

[cory]

dantheman789 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:08:46
"what the bloody hell? i am not a bully nor am i abusing my girlfriend, what a ridiculous statement. my girl is not 'doing it right' she is caving into my kids demands and mollycoddling him like a little lord. i wont stand for that, because i know that ultimately it is not good for my sons development. if that means i have to exercise my dominance in a verbal manor and make a firm stand for how our son will be bought up then so be it."

Your first job as a father is to model respectful and good behaviour. He will look to you to learn that.

If you call his mother "the stupid gf" and exercise your dominence in a verbal manner, then that's the kind of negotation skills he will learn- in another words, when he gets cross he will try shouting and aggressive language.

In order to learn good behaviour, he needs to respect both his parents. And if he sees you not respecting his mum, then that will be much harder for him.

If the pair of you work together and talk over things calmly, decide on rules and then enforce them calmly and firmly, he will learn to behave. It will take time because he is only little, but it will come.

All the best behaved older children I know have calm, consistent parents who work together as a team. Almost all the worst behaved children I know have parents who speak disrespectfully of other family members and cannot agree on consistent discipline.

You have to accept that you cannot control your child if you do not yourself model good behaviour. There is no point in asking us for tips on this because it simply can't be done.

I also wonder how much you know of normal child development. 3yos have very short attention spans, once they have worked their way through a tantrum they need to be able to forget about it and start again. So at that point, cuddling them is exactly the right thing to do. The thing not to do is to cave in and give them what they weren't supposed to have.

So if he kicks off because he wants something off a shelf that he shouldn't have the procedure is: don't give it to him, let him have the tantrum, cuddle him afterwards but still don't give him the thing.

Eventually the penny will drop and he will think "there's not much point in all this tantrumming, I never seem to get what I ask for by doing it". Expect it to take a year or so though, that's absolutely normal, it's not a sign that there's anything wrong either with him or his mother.

A lot of us have been through this and come out at the end with polite and well behaved teenagers or adult children.

[puntasticusername]

Dan, I really don't think anyone here is arguing with you for the sake of it. I think they're more taking issue with some of the things you've said...

I appreciate that you haven't asked for advice on how to communicate with your girlfriend, but the reason some posters are doing so anyway is that you are likely to find it very hard to improve your son's behaviour unless you and your girlfriend are working as a team, discussing and agreeing on your parenting techniques. Also, quite honestly it doesn't sound as if you particularly love or respect her (referring to her as stupid, and saying that you need to be in control), so obviously people here aren't going to like that!

Back on topic - you've had good advice here, and there's only a couple of things I'd add. Firstly, try and see things from your son's point of view. It's difficult being three. You're old enough to have some physical size, strength and dexterity, and the ability to communicate your wants verbally fairly well, but you have very little real control over your environment or what you get to do or don't do. It's pretty frustrating. Also, you're only a little kid so you haven't got brilliant control over your emotions. You don't always even know what they are. You look to your parents to help you handle that bit - to name and manage anger, frustration, sadness, fear etc.

One of the most valuable parenting techniques is distraction. Three year olds have fairly short attention spans and are easily diverted onto new things. So when you see your son doing something you don't want him to do (or if you're able to anticipate this), quickly find something else to occupy him. It doesn't have to be anything complicated or amazing - we head off tantrums by eg spotting a dog walking past the window, having five minutes playing with a toy together, or if it's in a shop try challenging him to find the things you need to buy - "where's the milk? Can you see it? Oh YES, there it is! Well done! Now, we need a green milk today. Can you see the green ones? Great! I bet you can't lift it into the basket. Oh wow, you did! Awesome!". You get the idea.

That leads me on to praise and positivity. There's an old saying - an ounce of praise is worth a pound of punishment. And it's so true. You'll get SO much further by dealing with your son positively and encouragingly, rather than always getting on his case if you see him doing something you don't want him to do. Once he starts getting praised for doing things right, he'll start seeing the point in trying to do things right, and he'll do it more and more.

You said that one source of friction between you and your gf is that she wants to comfort your son after tantrums. You're right that you have to be careful not to reinforce bad behaviour, but on the other hand of course you must comfort a child who's genuinely upset. It's all a part of helping them learn to handle their emotions as I said above - and also demonstrating that your love for him is unconditional. You may be pretty pissed off with some of his behaviour, but you love HIM and you always will - and he needs to know that.

Finally - remember that your son loves his parents more than anything else. He desperately wants to make you happy and win your approval. Just make it easy for him by showing how much you love him and showing him that he can make you happy by behaving well. If you don't give enough positive attention then you'll see more bad behaviour - because your son knows that's one guaranteed way to bring you running. And then, at least he's got your attention. Getting told off isn't as good as getting praised, of course, but he'll take it if it's all that's on offer. It's better than being ignored.

Phew. Bit of an epic post. Hope it's helpful. Good luck. Come back and let us know how it's going. But please, be a bit nicer to and about your girlfriend. She's the mother of your child, she deserves your respect, and you're not likely to crack the issues with your son's behaviour without having her fully on board.