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DP feeling rejected by ds- any advice or aibu by feeling fed up??

(5 Posts)
CookieMonstersCousin Thu 13-Feb-14 14:14:05

Please could anyone advise me or give me some suggestions how to help my dp, please? I'm not even sure if i've posted this in the right section but essentially my dp is not coping with our ds....he's only a baby (12 weeks) but dp is becoming less confident with and more intolerant of ds' crying. Ds is combined fed but still cries/fusses lots (ie in the evenings) and is best settled by me but dp just takes it as rejection. Dp is tutting and sighing when he holds a crying ds and complains that ds is 'too wriggly' when dp gives him his bottle confused. I have a dd (5years old) whom dp has a great relationship with but i'm not spending the time i'd like to w dd because dp is feeling insecure about ds and prefers me to care for him!! I've told dp that ds will pick up on his neg vibes which will just continue a negative cycle but this makes dp feel worse!?! Dp is a black and white kind of person but this is starting to spill into our relationship now.

I just feel that i'm spending too much time trying to reassure dp when i just want to tell him to grow a pair...aibu???

Eletheomel Thu 13-Feb-14 14:50:50

I'm all for the softly softly approach of getting unconfident men involved with their babies, e.g. getting them to do bathtime (which is generally enjoyed by babies and low stress) etc, and to make sure you're not criticising his care of his son, but that he gets time to do things his way (even if they're the opposite of your way) but I do think there are some cases when you just want to tell him to 'grow a pair' so no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. grin

Your son is only 12 weeks old, of course he's crying a lot. An insecure and grumpy pair of hands isn't going to change that.

He needs to accept that babies cry, that sometimes babies will only settle for one parent (mostly mums but not always, DS1 always liked his daddy cuddles when he was a baby, whereas DS2 tends to always look for me) - he has to accept this. And he is not going to gain confidence with his son by avoiding him (and growing resentful...) He needs to keep at it, stay cheerful and stop being such a child. You have two children and your DD needs some mummy 1:1 time more now than before (so she doesn't get resentful and feel left out).

I think your DP needs to start having a 'slot' of an evening to look after your DS (maybe 20 mins to start with) whereby you can spend some time with DD and he is on his own with DS and can start to learn how to settle him in his own way (without handing him back to you when it gets too hard). However, I'd find it really hard listening to my son cry when I knew I could settle him, so not sure I'd be able to follow my own advice here!

You could always speak to DP about what he thinks the way forward should be, using your need to spend time with DD as a good 'in' - and see what he is willing to do (and find out what his fears are).

CookieMonstersCousin Thu 13-Feb-14 17:44:53

Ele- thank you for the advice, will sit down with dp and suggest that to him....i try not to critise dp however its hard not to sound critical especially when he keeps asking me if he's doing anything wrong!!

lola88 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:54:24

I think along time with baby is key I used to go for a bath or to the shops and DP was a wizz in no time. I would imagine it's easy to feel judged when mummy is around I know to start with when my own mum was around I always felt like she was watching how I do things which made me feel like I was doing it wrong.

TheGreatHunt Thu 13-Feb-14 20:59:03

Don't get your do to take baby when he's extra grumpy eg evenings. Let him take baby for a walk in the pram for a nap or in a sling instead.

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