I hate being a parent.(18 Posts)
I became a first time mum to my daughter in May of 2013 and every single day since then has been a real hardship. I'm eighteen years old (some people will roll their eyes) and I went back to college in September 2013 and I find it so hard to juggle assignments, being a parent and having lack of sleep. My pregnancy was obviously a surprise and I have just not taken to being a mother at all. I enjoy my own company and even though I have lots of help as I still live at home, I hate being a mum. I don't enjoy changing nappies or constantly having a bad back. I don't enjoy being stuck in all the time. And I definitely don't enjoy being on my own as her father lives 200 miles away and sees her fortnightly. He also genuinely thinks his life is as challenging as mine because he's at university. I wish I had the willpower to send her down to his house for a few days but I would just get called a bad parent and I'd miss her loads.
What can I do to stop feeling like this?
There's no doubt about it - children are hard work. I could never have coped at eighteen! I had mine in my thirties and I love them to bits but it's sometimes so hard. It's a massive change for anyone, especially when you're younger.
Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP? Someone in your family? Have you tried going to mother and baby groups? Perhaps knowing some other girls is a similar situation would help?
For what it's worth, it really does get easier. My dd is five now and she my little pal. The baby and toddler years are hard and there not always very rewarding xx
Your circumstances are tough enough by themselves, but do you think PND might also be playing a part? I really feel for you - I am 40 and have my husband here and even with that experience/support I have struggled almost every day since my son was born in March.
It's only in the past two months that I have started to have more good days than bad, and that's purely and simply because I asked for help from my HV, who then set the ball rolling with a referral to an outreach worker who came to asses me and work out what sort of extra support I needed. I'm now on an 8 week parenting course with others in the same boat, I go to a weekly playgroup with the outreach worker so there's someone there to 'hold my hand' and she has also given me tips on how to cope with cooking and meal planning (my son has allergies so I've been finding it really hard to deal with making sure he gets the right nutrients).
From an emotional point of view, I'd say the first thing to do is to ask for help from your HV/local surestart centre - is there any kind of welfare officer at the Uni that would help with that? I've only been to one session of my course so far but I already feel so much less isolated.
Are your parents able to babysit so you can have regular breaks with friends? Are there any parent groups in the area that would fit around studies?
It's clear that you love your daughter as you say you would miss her if she went to her father's - you just need help so you can start to focus on the positives (and believe me, having tendonitis in both wrists isn't the best thing for inducing feelings of love when tackling a dirty nappy either!)
It's not your age
Babies are dull, proper mind numbingly dull little shit monsters. And staying in or changing nappies when you're 40 is only marginally more bearable than 18
It will get better. Your boyfriends an idiot obviously as getting pissed and turning up to a few lecturers is hardly time down t'pit and in no way compares to the mind numbing boredom that looking after a tiny baby is.
You will get your life back but very unfortunately you're going to have to wait until you can study and go to uni yourself - make sure you look for uni's with good childcare.
It is really really tough and I imagine it is more difficult as a young mum. I think anyone who would roll their eyes at you is an idiot so forget about that aspect. Having a child is a massive adjustment and it is difficult at any age. DH and I we totally shocked when we had out first and we were in our late 20's. After a while it gets easier and then it becomes routine and what you are used to and it stops be that juggling nightmare. Then the baby gets older and they get easier. What really makes it easier is finding other people in the same boat, people juggling college and motherhood then you would not feel so overwhelmed. It is funny that almost no matter how bad something is when you are not alone it feels better.
You're not alone! Most people struggle at some point, it's totally normal to miss your life as it was before, particularly if the pregnancy was unplanned.
Take each day as it comes and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. Why shouldn't your boyfriend's parents, the grandparents, help out if they are willing? No one should judge you for that! My parents regularly take my eldest overnight to give me a break and they'll take the youngest too when she's old enough.
Don't be so hard on yourself x
I had my first baby at 16. It was BLOODY hard work, and not rewarding, or all roses like you are led to believe.
I'm now 32(!) and my DD is almost 16 herself. It has been hard, it still is, my Dd has multiple special needs, and every day is difficult.
I had my second DC at 20, and once he was past the baby stage, things got a lot easier. He's now nearly 12yo, and a great laugh and lovely to spend time with.
It gets a bit easier once they start school, and are more interesting!
(Sorry, but babies ARE boring!)
Definitely not just your age so no eye rolling here! I was 24 when I had DS1 and 28 when I had DS2 and felt just like you. It's hard work. It's monotonous, isolating and just so stressful and boring being a mother in the early years. Sorry, I know that doesn't help but I felt the same when both of mine were babies.
DS1 is 6 now and much, much nicer to be around. It's not all about him any more, there's no nappy changing, no screaming, no rocking him to sleep or carrying him around, no bouts of over tired crying or wind etc. It's just SO much better.
DS2 is just turned 2 and to be honest it's only this past few months I have started to really feel like I know what he wants and I feel like I can cope with the two of them .
I should add I had PND after DS2 and this made me feel even less capable and made me doubt my self like never before.
Anyway, I definitely think you should take to someone. A HV or GP with an understanding ear my well be able to help and will point you in the right direction towards getting some help. Sometimes we all need support. I find parenting very lonely sometimes and that's with living with DH and him being a brilliant, hands on dad. Just the relentlessness of children is so hard to deal with, especially if you're feeling low to begin with.
No judgment here!
Lots of people, including me, hate looking after babies and find it really hard and really boring (though few will be honest about this in real life!) And that's people who chose to have a child... I can imagine it must be even harder if it was an accident.
It does get so much better as they get older though. DD is 14 months and it's about a million times better than it was at 6 months (and 6 months was a million times better than newborn).
I agree that it will really help you if you can meet another mum or two in the same boat. Can you ask your college if there is any other student with a baby they could put you in touch with? Or check out some local playgroups if you can find time? Just having someone to whinge to helps a lot.
Yes I agree babies can make you feel lonely and like you have no life. I found it got better as dd started talking, there are a lot of firsts that are just life changing, the first time dd said she loved me, the first time she got a book and came over to sit on my lap to read it, her face looking so happy to see me when she wakes up. That said, you are in a particularly hard situation, my sister had a baby at 15 and my parents adopted him as she couldn't cope. Be honest, if you need more of a break you need to sit down with all people involved in dd's life and say that. I understood, teenage single parenting is one of the toughest situations out there.
Only the best of parents allow baby to spend quality time bonding with their daddy!
I agree caring for babies / young children is tedious, share the burden with him.
Are the child's needs being met, tick, then accept there are no wrongs or rights when it comes to parenting just what's right for you and your family
I know how you feel, I was 20 when I had my ds and really struggled to cope. I didn't have a clue what to expect from having a child and didn't realise the impact it would have on my life it really shocked me. I didn't recieved much support from family and my partner and I was always up and down and arguing. I suffered post natal depression and my depression got worse, I think I have always suffered depression but from the shock and stress of having a child made it more difficult. My ds is now 4 and I absolutely love him to bits hr has been the best thing to ever happen to me. My advice to you is to join baby groups, make mummy friends it is much more enjoyable being with someone who is experiencing the same things as what you are, and write to talk about your feelings with others. Maybe try and aim to get out the house with your child as you may find your mood lifts when out and about. You can do it stay strong xxx
Dont worry about being called a bad mother for her goibg to stay at Dads for the weekend!
I found the baby stage dull city. Dd got interesting at one year old and hilarious at two year old.
Contemplating another dc and I really see the first year as a challenge I will need to ivercome to be rewarded the joy of a two year old.
And noone enjoys nappies, its sadly just part and parcel. Hang tight. It gets worth it
I had my first at 18 ds1 is now 5 years and a joy to mother as a baby he demanding. He cried and cried and at times I just hated it. I was with DH then too so I had great support but it was tiring and freaking hard! I went back to work when ds1 was 1 and I was so glad to have some time away from him - though I felt guilty.
Please, don't be hard on yourself. You're young with a baby and trying to study. It's going to be hard and babies are pretty boring! Give yourself break. If you are concerned or worried talk to your HV or GP. Xx
How about getting baby's dad to come down and visit and look after her for the day? He would still have it super easy, with his parents and yours all swarming over him saying how great he is - but you could take a day off. I do hope that when it is the university holidays he is back helping you lots. All full time carers need a break.
It's not just you. Nobody enjoys changing nappies and the relentless drudgery of having a small baby. As the others have said, it will get better. I promise.
You're doing great
Hi my. I was 20 when I had my DD, and went to uni. I graduated with a first class degree and am now doing a masters. It's hard work, but I can assure you it's worth it
As for the parenting side, it does get easier, plus childcare helps a lot
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