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Is wanting me time selfish?

(72 Posts)
Zatch Thu 30-Jan-14 12:49:26

I'm a sahm with a 1yr old and dad works fifo. What I didn't realise is that he expects me to not want 'me' time anymore. When he's home I can go shopping on my own and errands etc but I've only been out with friends twice in a year and even then it was after ds's bedtime. He says I have the best job in the world and implies I'm selfish for wanting 'me' time. Is it? I love my boy so very much and feel guilty for wanting to spend time away but doesn't everyone?

TunipTheUnconquerable Thu 30-Jan-14 12:50:44

Of course it's not selfish. He is being very unreasonable.

tribpot Thu 30-Jan-14 12:51:45

Amazing that he knows it's the best job in the world without ever having done it?

Of course you need 'me' time. Everyone does. In reality you have a very demanding job, with no set hours, pay or conditions, and you absolutely deserve to have some time to yourself.

I suggest you go away for the weekend so that your DH can properly enjoy the 'best job in the world', what a treat that will be for him.

cupcake78 Thu 30-Jan-14 12:56:41

Its essential in my book! Me time is not a luxury its a need. I would go stir crazy without it. In fact I have grin

ToffeeJungle Thu 30-Jan-14 13:01:57

Not selfish, no. I see it as a necessity.

Zatch Thu 30-Jan-14 13:05:08

I honestly feel like I'm going a little crazy. We've just moved to a new town so it's just me and bubs all day everyday. I've tried talking to SO but he's so against finding a babysitter and I've no friends here yet but he's never approved of asking someone else babysit even for an hour. Then when he's home I'm expected to stay home for family time because he's away so much. It's just starting to become really overwhelming. But thank you so much for understanding.

tribpot Thu 30-Jan-14 13:07:04

he's so against finding a babysitter

Is he? What a shame. Well unless he wants your 'me' time to happen when he's at home, he'd better learn to accept it.

offblackeggshell Thu 30-Jan-14 13:12:33

It does look a little like you are asking for her permission. That's given him to opportunity to say no. How about finding yourself a babysitter, and maybe a book group or something, and getting out regularly. Then tell him what you are doing.

I'm particularly touchy about "me time" though, after MIL declared my part time (degree) study tutorials as "me time". angry

Zatch Thu 30-Jan-14 13:36:56

He's in the same mind set of anytime on my own is 'me' time. Because grocery shopping is how i would love to spend it confused No one should get to decide what 'me' time consists of, I get that totally though thankfully without the added pressure of studying as well. I'll try your suggestions and find a babysitter anyway with the reasoning of its either now or when's he's home. Honestly it's all over wanting to try a 1 hr dance class (after bubs bedtime mind you) and he just made me feel so selfish for it.

BlueChampagne Thu 30-Jan-14 13:38:56

Find your local SureStart centre which should have at least one toddler group where you can start making new friends. Also try local library groups, and MN Local. I find going out with friends and kids is a bit of 'me' time as well as fun for the kids.

If he's away a lot, do you have anyone you can call on to look after the little one if you were ill or had an accident?

RalphRecklessCardew Thu 30-Jan-14 13:44:13

Of course it's not selfish. BlueChampagne has good advice - worth checking out local churches too.

Nevercan Thu 30-Jan-14 13:46:07

Ask him to look after the little one for in evening a week so you can go and do what you like - meet friends, go to the gym, go for a swim etc - totally reasonable in my opinion

Nevercan Thu 30-Jan-14 13:46:56

Check our your local Nct group via as they do lots of different things grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:53:36

He's completely wrong and being an arse.

Zatch Thu 30-Jan-14 14:08:53

We've signed up for a toddlers group starting soon and I'm hoping it will lead to a friend or two (or at least get bubs socialising a bit) but ill check out the library too. We don't have anyone we could call on really if I wasn't able to care for bubs but we've insurance to cover it if his dad had to stop and come home. Thanks for all the help/advice. So nice to not feel so alone about it smile

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 30-Jan-14 14:10:07

You know you're not just someone's mummy don't you? Point that one out to your DH.

Trooperslane Thu 30-Jan-14 15:48:58

You both need equal time off.

I do loads of baby stuff and have made some friends through that - we tend to go for a coffee/glass of wine/cheap lunch post baby groups.

Speak to your HV - they should have a list of stuff that's happening.

We have no family support (we live away) and it can be so isolating.

Get yourself out there. And HIBBVVVU

HelenHen Thu 30-Jan-14 15:56:36

Oh zatch, that's horrible. Book your dance class and put your foot down this once... Let him know you mean business or this will become the norm! Dp and I had a couple of massive rows over me being able to shower in peace at weekend's, as opposed to leaving the door open and have ds run in and out like during the week. I had to just say 'this is going to happen and I'm having this time' and now he doesn't question it and I take as long as I like. They do like to push our boundaries sometimes, eh? smile good luck and enjoy your dancing, you deserve it whether he knows it or not!

Bedsheets4knickers Thu 30-Jan-14 22:45:20

Staying at home with the kids is bloody hard work. I def need escape time with adults. 4/7 evenings I do an activity out of the house . It keeps me sane. Men just don't get it!!!!

CailinDana Fri 31-Jan-14 10:30:24

Does he do any hobbies/activities?

Just say "Guess what? You get to do the best job in the world for a whole weekend! Lucky you!" then scoot off out the door to a hotel.

BotBotticelli Fri 31-Jan-14 11:08:09

Can you afford any sort of childcare? ie. put your LO in a nursery or creche or with a childminder one day per week, so you can have a WHOLE DAY TO YOURSELF?? Then your LO will get to hang out with some other babies and you can do whatever you like.

Or if that's too expensive, is there a creche at your local counsil-run lesiure centre? They often have them and it costs less than a tenner to leave LO in there for an hour whilst you have a cake in the cafe swim.

There's no rule that says a good mum has to spend every day of her life with her baby you know? In fact I would say for a lot of people, that way lies madness. Do something during the week when your OH is at work. It's all very well him 'not liking the idea of a babysitter' (or i guess, creche/CM/nursery) but HE doesnt have to be at home looking after a baby all day. It is BLOODY hard work. I have a 14mo ds and I am now back at work 4 days per week. My days at work in my quite stressful managerial job are a piece of piss compared to dealing with a boisterous, non-napping toddler for 12 hours per day.

Show your OH this thread and MAKE some time for yourself.

mummyxtwo Fri 31-Jan-14 11:28:29

Don't waste precious evening time going out to the supermarket - shop online and have it delivered, or else do click and collect if you don't want the cost of delivery. Or do the food shop during the day, if your lo will tolerate it. I do a once weekly shop online and then I just do short trips to pick up groceries during the week. Then you can use that evening time to do something you would like to do - go to a zumba class, see friends, sit in a cafe with a coffee and a book. Find something time-consuming to do (and essential) on a Saturday - have some highlights done and explain to your dh that it will take hours, or visit a relative on your own. Let dh do the childcare for a full day and don't do anything helpful like having everything laid out and ready or doing the dishes before you go out. Let him manage all day and then point out that you also do the laundry, cleaning and food shopping. I'm a doctor and have worked 56 hour shifts without a break in my time. They were easier than staying at home looking after my lo's. I only work a couple of evenings now so I can essentially be a sahm and yes it is the most amazing job in the world, but it's the hardest by far and bloody thankless at times.

Zatch Fri 31-Jan-14 13:50:21

Oh what wonderful replies! I was really wondering if its only me that's finding it such a demanding job to look after our lo. He's wonderful and so happy and it is the best job but gosh I never ever thought he'd be this energetic and full on all day whilst so little.

I don't really have any mum friends and the ones I do know make it look so easy. I'm definitely going to put my foot down about some 'me' time. Can't afford child care yet but will be signing up for my dance class and finding a babysitter and the OH can lump it grin Terribly cheeky but he's working at the moment and can't stop me. Thanks for the confidence!

louloutheshamed Fri 31-Jan-14 14:01:59

1. Read this blog

2. TELL your dh that he will have your dc for a day while you have time to yourself. Don't ask him.

HelenHen Fri 31-Jan-14 21:44:24

Yay zatch smile

Nope it's certainly not just you! Glad to see you taking the right steps... Enjoy your dancing smile

My oh is gone out for a couple drinks tonight... I'm meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and I've told him I've no idea how long I'll be... It felt good! I was gonna take ds with me but then wondered why should I when he'll be sitting in with z hangover anyway smile

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