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calling a parents partner grandad?

(22 Posts)
HelenHen Tue 28-Jan-14 18:13:27

A few months back my mil asked if I'd mind if my son calls her partner grandad. At the time, I didn't really think about it and just agreed but it's been annoying me ever since.

He's not like a Dad to my husband and I dont really like or trust the man. On top of that, both grandads are alive and well but both living abroad so it hurts me to know that he will only know one grandad who's not his grandad at all.

I'm pregnant with no. 2 and will not have the same agreement. Should I say something now or is it too late since I stupidly agreed in the first place? I don't want to hurt mil as she's wonderful but it does upset me a bit.

TamerB Tue 28-Jan-14 19:15:24

Why not just put his name on as Grandad Joe.

slimyak Tue 28-Jan-14 19:24:31

My kids have a Grandpa that is my step dad, a Grandad that is my dad, both have their first names attached as someone said before.

DH dad died years before I met him but MIL often refers to him as Grandad John and what he would have thought. I find that difficult as it's a man I never knew but it's important to MIL.

Is MiLs partner a permanent fixture? If so he need some sort of reference, even if it's the lodger hmm

cathpip Tue 28-Jan-14 19:31:37

My mother died 18 months ago and my dad has remarried, all the grandchildren have automatically started calling her Granny Jane. we don't mind, she is a new member of our family and she makes my dad very happy, it does also help that we like her smile

morethanpotatoprints Tue 28-Jan-14 19:59:37

My dc had granddad fix it, silly granddad, and all manor of funny named relatives.
Some were blood, some weren't and it wasn't until they were older they really bothered to ask.
It was just their pet names for them, I wasn't going to argue as the family is so complicated, sometimes I don't understand whose who

Jaffakake Tue 28-Jan-14 20:12:50

I don't know how old your son is, but he may find his own word. My son 2.5yrs calls fil "Dad-dad" and my dad is Papa. The first he created himself, the second is what we call him. I think Grandad Joe is a good middle ground, but I understand your plight. My Dad has recently set up with someone other than my mum & over my dead body will she ever be referred to as Grandma or anything similar!

HelenHen Tue 28-Jan-14 20:41:09

Aw thanks all, it's probably the pregnancy hormones but it's starting to upset me which maybe sounds silly! i'd be happy with grandad Joe as a middle ground cos he is a permanent fixture! Both our sets of parents have separated and all in relationships but none of the others would be called grandma or grandad so I think that's also why it's bothering me. How do I broach the subject now without just seeming petty or childish? My sons 18months and doesn't actually use it yet and I've never used it. I call him Joe even in front of him, was hoping they might get the hint lol.

melissa1309 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:20:04

I understand where you are coming from. My parents are both remarried and whilst I like both I am very close to my parents so they've never had that parent role in my life. My Mum was very keen for my stepdad to be Grandad so he is Grandad Phil. My Dad is Grandad and sometimes I feel bad as 3 year old dd probably spends more time with my stepdad and I think she thinks of him when I say Grandad. My step parents have no children of their own and it is so lovely to see their relationships with the children so I don't want to upset anyone. My stepmum is Lenny, a cross between her name Lezley and Nanny. If you have previously agreed to Grandad it may hurt feelings to go back on that now but adding a first name may help. Hope you feel happy with whatever you decide.

Iheartcustardcreams Tue 28-Jan-14 21:20:47

Dh spoke to his dm about this. She was calling her husband grandad and although permanent and nice he isn't a father to Dh, whose dad has passed away (DH's parents didn't get on). Her husband is now called by his name as me and Dh had always done. I think it depends on the relationship. I sometimes think my mil wishes her Dh was my DH's dad! If it really upsets u I would say something but try and explain why.

Ragwort Tue 28-Jan-14 21:22:07

What does your DH think? I would suggest it is more appropriate for him to discuss it with his mother.

HelenHen Tue 28-Jan-14 21:27:59

I think it will be easier to broach the subject if I suggest adding his name to the end rather than removing grandad completely. I know dp feels uncomfortable about it too so I might talk to him but I think he'll say to just leave it at this point! I guess I'll have to bring it up before baby arrives cos I'm definitely not having him being grandad to both or maybe that would be the best time to bring it up cos I can be dramatic about anything when I've given birth and people will have to accept it lol. I'm probably jealous really cos I don't see my own Dad often cos of distance so I do t want anyone else being grandad if that makes sense?

HelenHen Tue 28-Jan-14 21:29:43

I agree ragwort but he tends to avoid difficult conversations. He would agree with me on this but I reckon he'd rather just leave it at this point!

RubyrooUK Tue 28-Jan-14 21:42:40

My children have multiple grandparents due to remarrying! We use "Granny X" for everyone or "Grandpa X" for everyone. Apart from anything else, it makes it clear who we are talking about when telling the kids that their grandparents are visiting....nobody seems confused by having lots of grandparents.

My step parents are nothing like my own parents to me (not that this means I don't love them, just that I me them as an adult!). But my DS has forged his own relationship with them, which is very important to him. And I think the more people to love him, the better.

I always think that loving one person does not replace love for another. It's fine for DS1 to adore my step mum and also adore my mum. He does not love my mum less for loving my step mum - that's not how love works. And I feel like being generous is important. I also appreciate just how hard my step parents work to make a relationship happen with my children (we live far from everyone).

So in your situation, I would stick with calling him Joe and perhaps Grandpa Joe to your DS or equivalent for now.

BrianTheMole Tue 28-Jan-14 22:27:35

We have grandad Joe. And granny Betty on the side. It works ok.

evangelinelily Wed 29-Jan-14 02:35:20

My mum also introduced her husband as "Grandad". I would have preferred if DD just called him by his name, like I do as I don't really consider him a step-dad as they met long after I'd left home. I couldn't really object as it was in front of him and he is a nice man. I always make a point of calling him Grandad Joe.

KatyN Wed 29-Jan-14 07:25:35

Just to confuse matters... My son has started calling his grandad by his Christian name. (He's 2).
It makes grandma and Melvyn sound like they aren't married when actually they are the only grandparents who are.

So you might find this resolves itself once your child starts talking!


StairsInTheNight Wed 29-Jan-14 07:39:50

I wouldn't say anything, but I would just refer to them as grandad Joe. If asked I'd say it was so that your ds knows which grandad you are talking about!

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Wed 29-Jan-14 08:03:17

In a way it's easier with grandmothers, as there are so many different names for them: gran, granny, grandma, nanny. It means that you can choose the name that is meaningful to you for the bio-grandmothers, and a less emotive one for the step-grandmothers.

Trickier with grandfathers. What about calling him something like Poppa Joe, and reserving Grandad for your bio fathers? Or use Ganda Joe a lot when you're at home with dc1, so that he starts using it, and then you can tell MIL that it is her PFgc's name for her OH. My parents loved their dgc's garbled first versions of our granny & grandad equivalents.

Dwerf Wed 29-Jan-14 08:14:30

My grandchildren have grandparents coming out of their ears. There's me, Granddad S (my ex), Grandpappy R (my other ex) his new partner who goes by her name, Nanny S, Granddad D and his partner who goes by her name, my parents Grandma D and Granddad S (different S name) plus my grandmother, who even I call Gran'ma L. (five living generations in our family). In fact, that's only the great-grandparents on their maternal side. so they actually have more. This seems to be no problem for any of us. We all live in the same city and they see us all pretty regularly.

Of course, I'm their special Nanny. They love me best. Obviously grin

Tuckshop Wed 29-Jan-14 08:23:50

I'm a step granny, but I've insisted that I'm just Tuck to them even though dp's mum started calling me Nanny Tuck when I first met them all.

My view was that its a title that went with a relationship with the children and I'd only just met them. Also that they had 2 nannies already and there was no way I was going to tread on their toes, or do anything that might offend dp's dd.

It was really lovely that I was so welcomed as dp's new partner but it just didn't sit right with me then. And if that never changes that's fine too, it doesn't matter what they call me.

Llareggub Wed 29-Jan-14 08:32:41

I have the opposite problem. My father remarried before my DCs were born and his wife is known to my children by her name. She's a big presence in their lives and I wish we'd given her a special name. I agree with the previous poster about love. The more people that are involved and loving to your DCs, the better.

HelenHen Wed 29-Jan-14 17:17:56

Oh love has nothing to do with it... I don't like the man on top of it all! He tries to constantly undermine me and I find him a little creepy to be honest! I don't want my kids to think of him as grandad! I know I brought it on myself. I'm usually comfortable speaking my mind and, if I'd thought about it properly, woulda just said 'i'd rather not' and saved all this grin

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