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Who should come first husband or kids

(22 Posts)
MerryMarigold Fri 04-Oct-13 12:17:02

I think our marriage has suffered because I didn't prioritise it, or dh. Little things, like I would always consider what they need before he needs. I'm not saying I needed to always put his needs before them, but just sometimes I think it's nice for them to feel important (and likewise, for him to put my needs before theirs). Obviously, when I say 'needs' I mean all their basic needs are met, but we spend approx one hour a night reading and chatting to them, and sometimes fall asleep with them, which then eats into any time together.

RevelsRoulette Fri 04-Oct-13 12:08:27

Meant to say - I am obviously not saying don't post this over and over! grin You are perfectly free to post it every day of the week if you choose, just that it may be more helpful for you to engage with the posters who reply and perhaps to discuss your situation, rather than be stuck in this groundhog day, waiting for the perfect reply or whatever your motivation is for keep coming back to this.

RevelsRoulette Fri 04-Oct-13 11:45:08


honestly, you are obsessed.

This is what? the forth exact same thread you have posted. Fifth?

What is the problem here?

Does your partner love the kids more than you? Are you the child of parents who appeared to love one another more than you?

Why do you keep asking the same question over and over and over again and not participating in the resulting discussion? What is it that you have struggled with and why do you just keep asking the same question over and over instead of actually talking about whatever it is that is bothering you?

What is it that you are waiting to read that will meet this need you have on this issue and stop you repeatedly asking this question?

I am starting to be a bit concerned for you, is this helping you? To ask the same question over and over?

SatinSandals Fri 04-Oct-13 11:39:10

The other totally bonkers thing is wondering who you would save first. If I was in a capsized boat I am obviously going to save a random 2 yr old first,if I come across one,before DH who can swim. I am not going to look at them and think 'I don't love you- I will leave you to drown'!

SatinSandals Fri 04-Oct-13 10:25:05

There must be a lot of insecure people on MN-this is the umpteenth thread like this in the last couple of months.
Oops-didn't realise it was the same person starting them!! Maybe just one insecure person.

I agree with AuntieStella.
I really don't see why this is an either/or question. Love isn't a limited thing, it expands so you can love every member of your family, and you care for each according to their needs.

And thegirlfromipenema

I think in a strong relationship both partners will put the dc first surely?

They are two different things and I can't think why you even need to quantify it.

When you say that you would save the DCs first in an emergency I think you need to realise they don't stay at the age of 2 yrs-they grow up! Since my youngest is taller than me and aged 23yrs I think they are all probably more capable than DH!!

They have also all left home and you then get decades (hopefully) with just DH and the last thing they want is a needy mother bleating on about who she loves the most.
Sorry to get so short, but these threads irritate me to death! It doesn't matter OP, they are not the same, there is plenty of love to go around so don't even think about it. Unless you are in a poor relationship and should get out.

Purple2012 Fri 04-Oct-13 10:16:24

Agree there is no limit on love. I think for most people if you had a split second to save your child or husband most people would save their kids. It doesn't mean youddon't love your husband.

But the OP won't come back to the thread. She didn't last time. So I don't see the point of starting threads about the same thing if you don't interact when people respond.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 04-Oct-13 10:13:32

OP This is the fourth thread about this topic that you've started and the second this week. This is the only topic that you post about.

I'm not the thread police, but if you've not got this worked out after 4 threads, I'm not sure you'll ever be able to answer the question.

ouryve Fri 04-Oct-13 10:11:09

There's no limits on love. It's possible to love husband and kids equally and not run out (though patience often runs short!)

As far as the daily physical task of caring is concerned, DH can look after himself and, you know what? He's also perfectly capable of looking after the kids!

ICameOnTheJitney Fri 04-Oct-13 10:10:31

I put the kids first personally as they can't do it for themselves. Whatever is best for THEM in the long run is the way I go. If DH was to try to make something change or happen which wouldn;t benefit them, then I'd refuse even to the detriment of our relationship.

OneStepCloser Fri 04-Oct-13 10:08:34

Im presuming there is another question here mummytobe? You keep asking the same question.

Is there something else on your mind with regard to this?

MortifiedAdams Fri 04-Oct-13 10:08:31

In an emergency - kids - my DH can take care of himself

In the grand scheme of life - DH and I together a lot longer (hopefully) than DD will be living with us, so maintaining our relationship is very very important Also, I will love DD unconditionally til the day I die. DH - I may not.

Its hard.

gamerchick Fri 04-Oct-13 10:08:07

Unless you're going to say you always put your dude first and your kids take a back seat then I don't want to know.

gamerchick Fri 04-Oct-13 10:06:38

What did you struggle with OP?

MrsBungle Fri 04-Oct-13 10:06:38

Totally agree with thegirlfromipanema

Two loving parents would surely both put their kids first. My dh and I manage to have a loving, healthy relationship without having to think about who comes first. We are a family, mostly it's the kids who come first, sometimes it's us. I have no clue why this is an issue for people.

SilverApples Fri 04-Oct-13 10:03:30

TheGirlFromIpanema Fri 04-Oct-13 10:02:21

I think in a strong relationship both partners will put the dc first surely?

SilverApples Fri 04-Oct-13 10:01:47

You've already done this in August, September and October.
Why? What are you hoping for?

AuntieStella Fri 04-Oct-13 09:57:02

There have been quite a few threads about this in the last few weeks.

I really don't see why this is an either/or question. Love isn't a limited thing, it expands so you can love every member of your family, and you care for each according to their needs.

kilmuir Fri 04-Oct-13 09:56:52

Think you need to be more specific OP.

mumofboyo Fri 04-Oct-13 09:51:51

When I say that though, I don't mean I'd let him spend all the family money on himself or that we do everything for him at the expense of the dc or I. I mean that I love him, don't ignore his emotions and don't always put the dc first.
I'm rambling. I'll stop!

mumofboyo Fri 04-Oct-13 09:47:12

Personally, although I love my dc and they are incredibly important to me, my relationship with dh is in many ways more important. I knew him first, without him I wouldn't have the dc, when they've moved out he'll still be here.
I think it's really important to look after our relationship, not let it chug along and fall by the wayside. The dc are more demanding and take up more of my time and energy, but I always make the effort to talk to, spend time with and enjoy my dh. I do the same for myself as well.
I think he feels the same.
It sounds selfish but I really believe that if you look after yourself your partner, and have a happy relationship, you'll create a happy atmosphere for your dc to grow up in, and model the type of healthy relationship that they can copy when they're grown up.

mommytobe234 Fri 04-Oct-13 09:34:24

just curious to know. I struggled with it a lot.

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