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Parenting

Do you feel guilty because you favour one of your children over the others?

11 replies

MrsDoolittle · 28/06/2006 09:39

"He's got you right where he wants you," said the nurse to me yesterday after giving ds his vaccinations. He was smiling at her, his most beautific smile.
This got me thinking as I got into the car. Do I favour ds over dd?
Ds is 19 weeks old, he has given me the hardest weeks of my life. He has been hard, hard work. Crying all the time, colicking, posseting, feeding endlessly, you name it..
Dd, now 2, was an angelic baby. I can honestly say that I didn't lose much sleep when she was born, a fact which had me feeling pretty smug. I didn't need to question why she was crying, it all happened so 'naturally'. In fact, I really worried that I wouldn't love another baby as much as I do dd.

Then ds comes along and shatters my misconceptions completely. Why is it that when I pick him up, he's crying like his world is falling apart, he'll suddenly stop, fix his great, big beautiful eyes on me and grin from ear to ear as if to say "Gotcha!".
Then I know that my heart is putty in his hands.

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emkana · 28/06/2006 09:42

I hate it when people imply that small babies are manipulating you. He does what he needs to do, you react the way a mother does.

Things might well change as he grows older - I think how you interact with your children is a "flow" thing, not static.

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IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:43

yes agree with emkana

hate hate hate the manipulation thing

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saadia · 28/06/2006 09:52

you love him unconditionally and endlessly - like we're all supposed to - theres's nothing wrong with that.

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FioFio · 28/06/2006 09:57

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Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 28/06/2006 10:06

Oh god Fio you've described ds2. I do feel guiulty about ds2 at the moment as he's always the one that has to wait, doesn't help that ds3 is Mr Stroppy from Stroppyville. I think it will get easier in the next year or so though as ds2 and ds3 will become more of a "this is what's expected of you" unit and ds1 can have his own set of rules.

I think people often assume you love the disabled one less though Fio? I think they often think there's a difference. Drives me mad.

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jamsambam · 28/06/2006 10:08

i have to say that no i dont LOVE one more than the other but i do PREFER one over the other sometimes...

im always finding myself wondering what life would be like with one or the other or none..which is quite sad!
if i go by baby experiences then i would hate the pair of them equally!

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MrsDoolittle · 28/06/2006 10:14

I'm sorry, I expressed myself poorly.
I don't think babies are manipualative, not for one minute.
I just worry that I might favour him over dd sometimes.

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lazycow · 28/06/2006 10:17

I do think though that those - 'he's got you right where he wants you' comments are more about our reactions/feelings for out children than a real suggestion that the child is truly manipulating us. I always take those comments and find the best in them - i.e. I assume they are saying 'it is obvious you really love him' rather than 'he is manipulating you'.

You obviously love both your children but newborns/small babies bring out our most protective instincts sometimes at the expense of our feelings for our louder/clumsier/more wilful toddlers - This is pretty normal I think.

However feelings ebb and flow and in a year or so I think the way you interect with each child may well change - though you will always love both of them unfathomably.

I will say though and knowing mumsnet this may start a war - Most of the mothers I know with with both boys and girls seem to have a particular 'bond' with the boys which seems to get more as they get older. Please note I am not sayig they love their sons more - just that there seems to be a different quality to the bond.

This may be to do with the 'otherness' of having a son. Girls on the whole are less of a mystery to us so we love them but in a different way. Also our love for girls can sometimes be tinged with our own conflicted feelings about the difficulties facing women in our society.

Sorry to get so psychological but as I say you obviously love both so enjoy each one for their uniqueness.

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Spagblog · 28/06/2006 10:21

I understand MrsD. My DD (4.5) is such a star, really bright and sweet. Then DS (2) came along. He is funny and mischevious and plays so nicely on his own. He smiles at me and I melt. I love him to bits, and although I love DD, it's not the same.
I wonder whether it is because he is younger, because he is a boy, because he isn't so bright, or because his character is more lovable (DD is very serious and goody two shoes sometimes)and I wonder whether DD picks up on it.
The guilt is terrible.

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MrsDoolittle · 28/06/2006 10:30

That's it lazycow.

Dm thinks that dd will gravitate towards dh, now she really has got him wrapped around her little finger and ds will gravitate towards me.

The manipulation thing, I do believe was meant figurativly speaking.

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Overrun · 28/06/2006 16:13

We all have different reactions to our children, I think it is important to acknowledge this, without it being about preference. ATM he is the youngest so you might feel more protective of him? Also isn't there something about Mums and sons? I think I bonded quicker with my dt who was harder work because I had to spend so much time with him, It could easily have gone the other way, and is all equalised out now.
I do have times when I feel especially bonded with one and then the other, think this is natural, hope it is anyway!

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