feeling inadequate

[sweetiepie1979]

I am 37 week's pregnant and thus has been a very difficult pregnancy with a pro lapse disc and now pelvic dysfunction. I have a toddler who is 2.2. Currently she attends nursery for 2 full days a week which costs about 400 pounds a month. She was in 2 days while I've been in work now I am on maternity leave I feel like I should take her out of nursery it's expensive for us and we could be doing with the money. But at the moment I just dint feel I could cope 5 full days in my own. The three days I have her are difficult enough. Then when baby is born I was planning on keeping her in nursery and I feel really inadequate about that. Ifeel like I should be able to be at home with both babies.... But part of me feels like oh God that would be horrendous. I'd never cope. The guilt is eating me up now and I feel like people are judging me though no one has said anything that's just what I'm thinking. What do others do? What do people think? On top of that the nursery dc goes to is by very good and she's about to go to a different one. She loves nursery is very sociable and active. so at the moment I think I using that's an excuse to keep her in.

[sweetiepie1979]

Sorry.... I meant nursery she attends at moment is not very good but she loves it and I am about to move her over to a different one.

[evalluna]

I kept my two year old in nursery throughout my mat leave. Apart from anything else she took so long to settle initially I did not want tbe trauma of that again when I went back to work. And I think they benefit from the social aspect. It never occurred to me anyone would judge this and I wouldn't really care if they did. You could always cut down tbe length of the sessions to save money but I think the continuity is a good thing especially if she will be going there after you finish mat leave.

[schmee]

Firstly don't worry what other people think. Not that it matters what others do, but it is completely normal to keep your DC1 in nursery when you have DC2. It will give you a chance to focus on the baby and you will be more focussed on giving DC1 attention when she is there. And if you are lucky enough to have a DC2 who sleeps sometimes then you will have a chance to get your jobs out of the way, freeing up time to do nice things with DC1 on her days off.

Also, you have a prolapsed disc and pelvic dysfunction. If this discussion wasn't related to pregnancy and your DC, you wouldn't give a second thought to whether you should be trying to give yourself a bit of a break. Because back problems are brought on or exacerbated by pregnancy we give ourselves a hard time, thinking we just need to get on with it. If you have the opportunity for a break, take it.

[sharond101]

I wouldn't care what anyone thought. Pelvic problems in pregnancy are horrendous without adding a 2 year old into the equation to look after. The two days will give her some fun time away when the new baby comes, after all you will have your hands full with a newborn.

[petalsandstars]

I had spd and a toddler of very similar age, having a couple of days of nursery would have been fab. As it was I ended up going 2 weeks over and not being able to cope on my own with the toddler due to the spd. Had family come over to do the majority of care when DH was at work and I mainly sat on the sofa!

I felt silly as in my head I was fine and sat down I was fine but stand up and I was crippled with pain

My DC2 is 3mo now and DC1 haa just started preschool, it is good for both of them as I get time alone with baby and toddler gets the interaction of preschool.

We also have some settling in issues to contend with but I don't regret her having those days away from home as I would struggle with them both every single day. As your toddler is already settled in nursery then IMO keep her there so you get some time for baby and she has the consistency of going where she is used to.

Plus doing the shopping is far easier with one child than two so you'll be able to get your errands etc done on those days with far less stress and faff than juggling both DCs.

If you can cope financially then stick with it and don't feel guilty :-)

[QTPie]

If you and your partner agree that you can afford it, stick with it. It will give her some outside focus and attention at "a time of big adjustment" and will give you do every valuable one-on-one time with the new baby (hopefully a little rest too).

I only have one DC and he had a nanny two mornings a week from 11 months until he started preschool at 3.25. Was it strictly necessary? No. Did it help me to get things done and keep sane? Yes! Did anyone say anything about it? Who knows, probably. We could afford it and it really helped!

Do what works for you and don't worry about anyone else.

[sweetiepie1979]

Ok thanks all it makes sense for her to
Be there I'd just love to be one of those super mums though! petal how bad was your spd? Did it get better straight after birth?

[petalsandstars]

Ot got worse closer to the end (sorry) could hobble about in the morning and get toddler and myself up dressed and breakfast but by 10am I was in pain standing. I used a walking stick to get around downstairs and clung onto furniture to support myself all the time. I was also on codeine for the last month as well as paracetamol.

It eased a little in the days following the birth but wasn't immediate. I still had to be wheeled across the corridor to postnatal ward. The next couple of days were easier no stick but it hurt when walking and it was gone completely within about a week to 10 days.

Sleep waa immediately better though as I could lay on my side for longer than an hour at a time.

[sweetiepie1979]

Ok thanks fir that Petal it's a bloody nightmare isn't it. This is my last baby definitely

[Eletheomel]

Don't feel bad. We decided to keep our three year old attending the childminder for 2 days a week throughout my maternity leave.

There were a couple of reasons for this,

a) he has always really enjoyed attending the childminder, has made friends of lots of kids this way and it's really his 'social life' I didn't want to suddenly take that away from him (and we wanted to keep his space with her open as he'll go there when I go back to work).

b) As I would be looking after a new baby I knew he'd suffer from the lack of time available to play with him (he'd been an only child for 3.5 years) I knew he'd adapt but I thought having 2 days where he doesn't have mummy saying, you'll have to wait until after I've fed the baby etc, would be good for him, and finally,

c) I wanted some 1:1 time with the new baby, I know I had 1:1 time constantly with DS1 and wanted to have at least some of that with DS2.

DS2 is now 15 weeks and I'm really glad we took that decision, DS1 doesn't always want to go to the childminder now that he knows I'm off, but I (sounds awful) love the 2 days he's away as it's two days I don't have to feel guilty if I can't play with him and can just focus on one child.

For the record, although I had a groin pain (and I wouldn't describe it in stronger terms than that) it wasn't a factor in deciding to send him to childcare, in the sense that I couldn't physically cope, we just decided it would be better for all of us if we took that route. I do sometimes feel guilty as I know DS1 would much rather be with me all the time, but I think about DS2 and that he needs some mummy-only time too, so that makes me feel better.

[sweetiepie1979]

Thank you yes they are good reasons and I think it would be awful to take away her bit of me time with her friends that's a point I hadn't thought of.