Reassurance needed about 22 month age gap

[Bloob]

I'm a big weepy mess at the moment. I have dd who is 4.1 and ds who is 14 months. And I'm 7 weeks pregant. It was planned. For what seemed like eminently sensible reasons at the time. Not too big a gap between dc1 and 3, nice for them to be closer and play together etc etc. DH is a teacher and the baby is due late April so he'll get 2 weeks paternity, 6 weeks at work followed by 6 weeks off.

But now it's happened I'm hugely panicking that we've made the wrong decision. What if its awful? I'm worrying I won't be able to meet all their needs or give them enough attention. I love love loved the baby stage with them both, I don't want it to be a big blur which I sob my way through. I don't want to lose ds's baby time.

I've been reading around and all I seem to find are negative things about damaging their mental health :(

I don't know if its just hormones or what but I'm a wreck. Positive reassuring advice would be hugely welcome. Please :)

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Everything you find online will have more of a negative slant than a positive one. There's no mileage in 'Overall this situation is fine, no need to worry'. The gap between your kids is not in itself going to cause them damage! If they're all loved they'll be fine.

[MirandaWest]

There is a 22 month gap between DS and DD (which wasn't planned). I was really worried while I was pregnant about hw it would work out.

DS didn't really notice DD was there until she started moving at about 10 months. There really was never any jealousy when they were little and I found the gap was fine.

Now they are 9 and 7 and although I think they'd be unlikely to admit it they get on really well :) Am very glad the gap turned out the way it did.

[surprise11871]

Hi i just wanted to come on and say im sure it will be fine and you won't damage their mental health. I have no experience with my own dc as i only have the one. However i am the middle child to an older brother who is exactly to the day 2 years older than me and 2 younger brothers one of whom is 2.4 yrs younger than me and the youngest has a gap of 9 years from my younger brother. I no there not quite the same age gap as you will have but none of us felt pushed out we were all loved as we got a bit bigger played board games that we could all join in on etc. We all got on well with the odd blip and still do. We have 4 children between myself and the two older brothers (oldest and the one younger than me by 2.4 yrs) and we don't feel damaged in any way we all work hard went to college etc. I just wanted to give u an opinion from someone whose been the child in a similar situation. Sorry if this has no relevance in the throws of sleep deprivation with my 8 month old.

[AngryBeaver]

Ohhh, you will be absolutely fine!
I'm pregnant with my 4th and my first 2 have a 22 month gap.
(7,5,3) they all get on brilliantly. You won't miss out on anything and neither will they!
They'll just love having a playmate close in age :)

[GaryBuseysTeeth]

We're at the early stages of having 2 with a 19mnth planned gap, I feel so much better/ its easier to cope with than being pregnant with a toddler.

We make sure Ds1 has alone time with one of us every day, because he was very jealous of ds2 the first few weeks....he watched a little too much tv when I'm feeding ds2 but aside from that he's still happy & everything is normal.

Good luck!

[JoandMax]

I had 20 months between mine it was busy but loads of fun and a lot easier than being heavily pregnant with a toddler! My eldest had no problems adjusting and has never been jealous.

They're 3.5 and 5 now and the best of friends, its pretty easy really...

[MummyBeerest]

My sister and I are 20 mths apart. We grew up as best friends!

We shared everything and played together all the time. My mum always says it made me a more patient child because I learned at a young age that there were indeed times that I'd have to wait my turn. Similarly, she swears my sister was an easy baby because with me as a toddler, she'd just go with the flow.

We're both crazy, but I doubt it's got anything to do with our age gap.

[quickchat]

Had 3 DC's and with each PG between weeks 6-14 I was miserable, scared and emotional about everything. HORMONES!!

You will feel better after the first trimester I promise you.

The guilt im afraid is part and parcel of motherhood, not age gaps. I had 2.5 between each set and I sobbed like a nutter about the new baby taking away my old baby!

It will all be fine I promise. Mine are 6, 3 and 1 and they love each other. The older two especially love their little brother and I feel now, I have done them a favour. Just swaeting that DD doesn't have a sister!! The guilt never ends!

[Bloob]

Thank you so much every one :)

I feel much much better reading some positive stories, all that seems to be out there is how awful it is!

I think it could be hormones, I didn't feel like this when we were ttc, though I guess I did have some worries. Dd and ds have a lovely lovely relationship, that's another thing that worries me, that the new baby will somehow interfere with that. DH says that it will make them closer though which I guess is a nice thought!

Does anyone have any practical tips? I like to think things out!! It doesn't help that ds is the worlds worst sleeper and still wakes up for hours each night, I keep thinking, how am I going to cope with this AND a newborn?!

[quickchat]

Only tip I have may not suit everyone.
When DC3 got to 3 months I trained him to take a bottle. One a day in preparation for handing him to a childminder I know really well, for 4 hours a week once he got to 6 months.
It meant every Monday morning when I dropped DC1 at school and DC3 to childminder Id have a whole morning with DC2 just her and I.
Id make a point of saying, "ah, just you and me, I love it when it's just you and me". Id do something with her for 4 hours with my full attention and it works wonders.
I still do it now and will carry it on until she goes to school.
DH takes DC1 somewhere every saturday morning and he does the same with him.
If they can get just a few hours a week with a parents full attention it is invaluable.
Obviously the first 6 months was impossible but they don't remember that even 6 months on.

[Bloob]

That's a good idea quickchat. A good friend of mine was a childminder, not currently minding as cant find mindees that fit the hours she can work. I was considering sending dc2 there for a couple of hours a week. Maybe I'll send dc3 there as well!

What makes my mind boggle is things like soft play and toddler groups... Dd was old enough that she would just go off and play as long as I kept an eye. A 22 month old cant do that (I think?!). So how do you do anything with 2 of them?! What if they both need you?!

[quickchat]

Will DC1 start school that Aug? Makes a huge difference.

Everytime you have a new baby your routine kind of changes and adapts. I used to be out everywhere with just one. Swimming lessons from 4 months, every sing a long thing going, toddler groups, cafes etc. Then DC2 came along and there was less of everything.

Since DC3 I don't do much because routines have changed for everyone. School runs etc.

I tend to have friends for playdates more so that DC3 can sleep in his cot and DD can play.

We have had a good summer so lots of garden play etc.

I have met a lot of friends through school so I suppose everything changed.
Don't over think it. You change and adapt to suit yourself and 3 DC's and you find your comfort zones.
You may try a soft play and thing nope, doesn't work or you'll work out a good quite time/day to go.

It will be grand and you won't look back. x

[Bloob]

Dc1 started school this year, so I'll only have 2 at home. Though that makes me nervous about doing the school run!

Thanks. I'm hopelessly grateful for the support.

You with one sounds like me. With them both to an extent. I really love doing things with them like that. I'm definitely a going out type!

[cheryl19843]

I only have two Chdn n there's 21 months between mine. I found it relatively easy, as daughter was still in nappies when son came along. Now daughter is 3 n son 2 next month n they fight like cat and dog haha. Wouldn't have done it any other way tho! Oh and it was a struggle for a while because for about a year we had two sets of child care to pay for but that's not forever x