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I don't know how to cope anymore :(

(21 Posts)
quickchat Tue 10-Sep-13 10:48:43

Didn't read any threads so sorry if I repeat.

The problem is partly - you are too nice and partly a strange pressure that parents have nowadays.

I have 3 DC's and breast fed them all for a year. However, Breast milk is a food source and not to be mistaken as a pacifier.
I don't eat 3 meals a day then get up for a tuna sandwich at 3am and neither should a baby over 6/8months on 3 meals a day with protein.

I noticed a lot of my mum friends having this problem and they would all say "you know what it's like, it comforts them to sleep" "I can't be bothered walking the floor id rather just soothe them back to sleep instantly". I think some even thought I was cruel by not feeding them but why would I? I knew they weren't hungry because they had had spag bol, apple puree and a breast feed at 7!!

She is in bad habits and knows no other way of going to sleep or re settling herself. As a toddler she will be miserable because of lack of sleep. I've seen it so many times.

There is only one way to stop this and it's by biting the bullet and turning it round. Make sure she feeds as much as she can during the day then you will need to take it in turns to walk the floor. Your husband would need to do most of this because she will be worse with you holding her but not feeding her.

It will be hell but you will be helping her to be properly fed and rested from now on and you will get there.

You could just ignore me as some people just feel they won't stay like this forever. This is just my viewpoint as someone who does not cope well without sleep and it sounds like you and your family are going through hell to me.

Good luck x

SquidgyMummy Sun 08-Sep-13 07:36:53

A formula feed does not mean the end of breast feeding.

I mixed fed DS from birth as i didn't have enough milk, but still wanted to try and BF as long as possible.
If one bottle of formula at say 10pm gives you and your DP some much needed rest, surely it is worth sacrificing a little bit of bf'ing. All that appears to happen is that your breasts produce less milk for that particular feed, not overall.

Told to me by HV (and it is true) when DS was about 5 months old and i couldn't produce enough milk for him to get through the night, so dropped Bfing at night completely.

sharond101 Sat 07-Sep-13 21:56:50

Gradual retreat solved similar sleep problems for us.

brettgirl2 Sat 07-Sep-13 07:31:33

Also have you tried a dummy? Not a modern one but a good old fashioned rubber one? Just another poss way of settling.

brettgirl2 Sat 07-Sep-13 07:30:01

I think the only real advantage with formula is that you know how much they have taken. As such whether it's a full or comfort feed. Assuming she is weaning age what is she eating? I'd be getting as much high calorie food down her as possible. I would also try keeping her up longer in the evening.

Sioda Fri 06-Sep-13 15:02:05

Short term, good ear plugs and white noise for DS and DP. They'll get used to it. DP can sleep in another room so he doesn't get woken up at 3 (since him feeding her isn't working anyway there's no point him getting woken up). Separate sleeping while you figure out what to do next is better than going crazy at each other because you're both wrecked.

Formula probably won't get her to sleep longer but has your DP tried giving her a bottle at 3am? You say he tried taking her at that time but that sounds like he just tried to settle her without a feed rather than giving her a bottle which isn't likely to work right now at least from the sound of her. You could express maybe if you don't want to do formula. Or certainly at the stage you're at one bottle of formula in 24 hours to allow you to get a chunk of sleep will not be the end of bfing. You're more than well established by now.

Does she have reflux by any chance? Could it be that she screams when you put her down because being slightly upright on you is helping the reflux? Is the pram slightly tilted and that could be why she sleeps there in the day?

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Fri 06-Sep-13 11:45:54

Here's the gradual retreat thread. Nicknamefail posted a really helpful overview about half way down the first page.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Fri 06-Sep-13 11:41:39

I'd really recommend the no cry sleep solution. I know reading it is something else to do when you're shattered, but it'll show you ways to get her to self settle, without CIO. Or there's a gradual retreat approach on a thread on here, I'll try and find it.

Alternatively cosleep and feed lying down?

Dd is 19 weeks, she starts the night in her cot, wakes every 2-4 hours and then in with me from about 4, otherwise she'd be awake then.

DS woke every 45 mins for nearly 5m and was up for the day from 430, so I do understand your pain.

Georgie507 Fri 06-Sep-13 11:18:32

I don't know if this is helpful, but my DH used to put DD to bed and she would then wake up in the middle of the night for up to 2 hours. Turns out he was letting her fall asleep on him. I implemented the pick up put down routine and she eventually started sleeping through (still has her moments though!) I remember a HV saying to me that when babies wake up they expect to be in the same situation as when they went to sleep so maybe if you could get her out of feeding to sleep that might help - am aware it is v easy for me to say that though! Good luck.

Droflove Fri 06-Sep-13 07:25:12

Would you consider cry it out with your daughter? I know people it worked great for and their babies are no less loved and secure but now sTTN. I think it's worth trying if life is getting unbarable otherwise.

cupcake78 Fri 06-Sep-13 07:14:29

Sorry to keep adding but ds was ff and still didn't sleep. I think you either get a sleeper or not. Dd is at the moment totally different to ds when it comes to sleeping. I know this could change but seriously hope it doesn't.

cupcake78 Fri 06-Sep-13 07:12:24

Oh and batch cook at weekends! I find this really helps out even if its only two dinners. It means two nights a week I don't need to really cook.

cupcake78 Fri 06-Sep-13 07:10:42

Ok so it sound pretty normal! I have a 6 yr old ds who still wakes up most nights and a 9 week old so I can sympathise.

Any chance you could do lunchboxes while you make dinner or even before? You can also freeze sandwiches for a week instead of making fresh each day.

Apart from that your evening sounds like ours and seems normal with 2 children. Your doing your best!

TheFallenNinja Fri 06-Sep-13 05:26:21

Evenings look pretty full on but that's pretty normal, so daytimes, is dd over/under tired?

Just trying to see the big picture with you. As you have 7yo you'll know there is no magic bullet (mores the pity) but perhaps some change in the daytime will have an effect in the evening.

peanutMD Fri 06-Sep-13 04:52:38

Neither of us is very good at just going to sleep, both need to unwind so bed early doesn't work here.

i'm BF so DP can't do night feeds and she goes absolutely ballistic if DP takes her at 3am, we tried this for a week and it made her 10x worse.

As much as I love BF I an so tempted to go to formula to see if she'll sleep but I'll be gutted if it means an end to BF sad

peanutMD Fri 06-Sep-13 04:48:07

DP does lots to be fair.

A typical evening would be:

5pm: DP return from work, play with kids whilst I finish dinner
5.30: dinner
5.45: DP does dishes/cleans kitchen whilst I do DS' homework
6pm: DP baths DS/DD (they get alternate night) whilst I sort out clothes/lunchnschool bag fir next day
6.30: sit with DS fir a bit and feed DD
7pm I go upstairs with DD as she will only feed to sleep and is BF
7.30; DP puts DS to bed (I miss our bedtime stories
sad) if DD is asleep I load washing machine for next day
7.45: I do a quick tidy of toys etc
8pm ish: we sit down exhausted (okay so not 9pm)

Bed at 10ish sometimes earlier.

I used to be more organised but my head doesn't seen to function that way nowadays hmm

cupcake78 Fri 06-Sep-13 04:32:00

Firstly why are you doing everything till 9pm when your dp is home at 5?

You need to go back to shifts.

As soon as ds is in bed whoever is getting up at 3am goes to bed. At weekends one of you sleep sat, the other Sunday.

I also had a none sleeping ds so understand. For now sleep is your priority till you get on top of it! It won't last forever smile

TheFallenNinja Fri 06-Sep-13 04:25:32

How does the evening routine work? Does DP pull their weight?

peanutMD Fri 06-Sep-13 04:25:16

I should also add that she sleeps a maximum of 1.5f hours per day and only in a moving pram on the school run so I don't even get a break then.

I'm just so tired. Tired of the feeding, tired of trying to hold my family together, tired of shouting at DS and tired of the screaming and clingineas that is my daughter sad

TheFallenNinja Fri 06-Sep-13 04:24:41

Hang in there! I too have a non sleeping energy bundle so your no on your own.

peanutMD Fri 06-Sep-13 04:21:25

DD's sleep is getting to the stage where its pretty non-existant day and night and is starting to affect my relationship with my son and my partner. DP works 7-5pm so he needs sleep as doesy 7yo but no one is getting a chance at a decent sleep because of her.

During the day i'm pretty much too tired to go any where although force myself some days but this is getting less and in the evenings I have cooking to do, homework, packed lunch to make, tidying, sorting uniform so don't get to sit down until about 9pm, DP and I are also getting increasingly ratty with DD, DS and each other.

DD's sleep pattern has been off since about 19 Weeks before which age would get up twice in the night for 10 minutes. 19-24 Weeks she woke hourly fir feeds and now she's in bed at 7.30 up at 12 and 2 then wide awake at 3!! Npthing works to get her back to sleep at this point apart from sitting up whilst she suckles but as soon as I move she stats screaming because she's so tired.

DP has taken to getting up at 3 as he can't get back to asleep but she screams if he takes her down stairs

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