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Absent parent, DD wants to meet him, he's said no..

(23 Posts)
TooTabooToBoo Fri 06-Sep-13 11:50:32

Thank you so much Callme :') xx

Callmedreckly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:33:32

Im glad your Ex & family are good. You need that support.
We are always here as well, I hope your DD will be ok (Im sure she will)
Shes got a wonderful Mummy who cares, worries & loves her. She will never forget that OP x

TooTabooToBoo Thu 05-Sep-13 22:17:12

Thanks for the replies.

I had to switch my brain off about it, hence late reply.

DD is prone to being a drama queen grin so I need to tread carefully but I think this weekend I will take her out somewhere and we can have a chat, I like the idea of telling her that some people don't want to be parents but that I always did (and still do) want to be, go for that angle. I just hope it sinks in that she will more than likely never meet him.

His parents made it clear they weren't interested, they were of the impression that I got pregnant on purpose to trap their little boy and extort money out of him hmm According to him, they were going to sue me and force me to have an abortion....all very Jeremy Kyle wanker

I never want DD to know that was what was said, imagine finding out that your father and grandparents were happy to abort you, god, I can't begin to process that so she will never have to.

As an aside, I am no longer with DS's dad unfortunately but we are good friends and get on great - DD has always got on with him and his family are always including her where their relationship with DS is concerned (having been through the situation with DD's father, I can not begin to tell you how much I adore ex and his family for being decent people!)

Thanks again for your replies and advice thanks

kiki22 Wed 04-Sep-13 10:53:55

I had to explain to my niece why her dad didn't have anything to do with her (her mum didn't want to do the talk) It's very hard but I believe the trust but in a gentle way is best.

Tell her you have tried to contact him in the past but he didn't want to come and now he has deleted his account so you can't get in touch with him. I told DN that some people didn't want to be parents her mum wanted her more than anything but her dad didn't want to be a parent so her mum carried on by herself. It's hard but I think it's easier the younger they are before the teenage angst sets in. My mum was alway very open about my dad and I just knew the truth and excepted it DP's mum kept things from him and sugar coated things which when he was older he found really hard to accept and it's taken them 3 years to get close again after 6 years of hardly seeing each other.

She will get over it especially if she knows she has you your partner and her little brother who love her.

NatashaBee Wed 04-Sep-13 10:43:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyxtwo Wed 04-Sep-13 09:48:18

He sounds like an absolute &%£*, tbh. That is such a weak line of reasoning - "I can't offer her anything so she'd be better off not knowing me." How can a grown adult seriously think that a growing child would agree with that? Of course a child would rather know them and make their own choices. Unfortunately she is bound to have questions and to wonder about him. I wish I had some really good advice for you, but all I can say is that one of my close friends was in your dd's situation, where her father didn't want to know her. My friend is an only child so it was just her and her mum growing up, and then her mum remarried. She is one of the most grounded adults I know, she thinks of her stepdad as being her dad, and accepts that her own dad must have been a waster and not worth her emotions. I imagine she had a lot of Qs growing up, but her mum just continued to be as honest and age-appropriate as she could, without slagging him off, and as she grew up she formed her own opinion about what he was probably like - ie. definitely not someone to hero worship. I don't think there is one thing that you can say or do that will satisfy her immediately and resolve her Qs, I think it will take time and if she feels secure and loved at home, which she obviously is, then she will be able to hopefully resolve her own thoughts and emotions about it in the safety of a loving environment.

DumSpiroSpero Tue 03-Sep-13 23:19:32

I really hope you manage to find a way through and that your DD is OK. I have a 9yo DD too and can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

WRT how she feels when she's older, she may not be so interested. My friend's ex walked out on her the day after their DD's 1st birthday and had virtually nothing to do with her from then on - she met her now DH 6 months later and he raised her as his own although she's always known the truth.

One of her half siblings contacted her via FB a couple of years ago and they are still in touch online but don't see each other in RL and friend's DD has made it abundantly clear who her real dad is - and it certainly isn't the biological one grin .

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:56:00

thanks Callme thanks

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:55:34

I don't know Callme - I think she's seen so many bloody films were the child and absent parent are reunited, it's maybe a bit late for books for her.

I need to go to bed, head spinning.

Thanks for listening, I will check back in the morning (in hope of a magic solution!) smile

Callmedreckly Tue 03-Sep-13 22:55:18

She will definitely realise when shes older thanks

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:54:06

Thanks AFish, I just hope she can see what I have tried to do when she's older, even if it doesn't work out the way she hopes now.

Callmedreckly Tue 03-Sep-13 22:53:44

I know it sounds silly, but are there any story books that kind of deal with a child having 1 parent? Im just thinking off the top of my head. It might be stupid.

AFishWithoutABicycle Tue 03-Sep-13 22:51:56

Good luck op. I hope she's okay with it all. At least you know you have done all you can.

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:48:54

Callme - that's shocking, I'm so sorry. You don't want somebody that twattish in your life, but as we can see that is hard to explain to an innocent child.

DumSpiro - I wonder whether having the letter for her to read (it isn't nasty, far from it and he apologises for his behaviour) would be the way forward, but then I think that's just too much for her little heart to take. I don't think she will accept that he has said 'no' without seeing it IYSWIM, I'm mum and I know nothing in her eyes lol hmm

I think a lovely mum/daughter baby-free day out is called for with a discussion at the end to try and draw a line under it, possible.

God its hard.

DumSpiroSpero Tue 03-Sep-13 22:43:14

Is there any way you could paraphrase his letter of two years ago to make it as gentle as possible by way of explaining his lack of contact so far, then show her that you have tried to contact him but no longer have the correct email.

You could explain that when she is an adult she can try to contact him and you will support her in any way you can when that time comes.

I've no experience of this situation, but I think being as honest as you can bear to be and as you feel your DD can cope with, is probably the best way to go.

Callmedreckly Tue 03-Sep-13 22:36:01

She may well do, I hope so. Its heartbreaking for us, but they are stronger than we realise.

Callmedreckly Tue 03-Sep-13 22:33:35

I was with my ex for nearly 10 years & DD was planned.

OW fluttered her eyelashes, so he left me 6 months pregnant. He has never seen DD. you think you know someone!

Hopefully someone will be along with some good advice.

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:31:58

Callme - my advice to you is to be honest, age appropriate and impartial (even if you're screaming blue murder on the inside) That's got me this far. It's just this next step.

I keep telling her (and have always told her) that it's not who isn't in your life that's important, but who is. We have an amazing family and there are children out there with both parents but no grandparents - I try to make her see that family comes in all shapes and sizes.

I knew this would happen, I know it will only get worse as she gets older (or if I handle it properly now, maybe she will accept and move on? no chance? )

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:26:11

He's a self pitying wanker, is the long and short of it.

I wish I could say there was a specific reason, but there isn't - he's a normal bloke. I do think it boils down to CSA payments, which I have always said I don't want a penny off him - wrong or right, I will take full credit for her and don't need his money.

We were a short term relationship, but had been friends for a fair while before that, so the pregnancy was far from planned, but he acted like a moron the moment he found out (threats of violence being the pinnacle of his meltdown).

I want to tell her he's a self pitying wanker but I don't think she'll thank me for it in the long run.


Callmedreckly Tue 03-Sep-13 22:25:47

Oh Im sorry. I hope you are o.k.

My DD is only 18 weeks old, but I too will be in your boat one day when she starts asking me the same questions.

I wish I could help you,

AFishWithoutABicycle Tue 03-Sep-13 22:18:32

No idea, but I feel so sad for her.
I just don't understand why doesn't he want to a least meet his child? Is he afraid you'll want CS? Is he a junkie and doesn't want her to know?

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:14:10

oh, just had the email returned to me undelivered.

The bastard has deleted his account (it was my only form of communication with him)

TooTabooToBoo Tue 03-Sep-13 22:11:11

Just after some advice please, I will try and keep it short while getting all relevant info down.

DD is 9.5, her Father has never had anything to do with her - never met her and for a good few years denied she was his.

Over the years, anticipating that one day she would be a teenager looking for answers, I have written and emailed him with updates and pictures and asking him to reconsider getting to know her (not for me, I would be so happy for him to never have anything to do with her but this isn't about me).

I've been open with DD, age appropriate answers as she's grown up and been careful never to be nasty about him, while also making it clear that he is in the wrong (for want of a better phrase after a long day) and hoping she wouldn't hero worship him.

I had a baby earlier this year. Seeing him with his dad has obviously brought this to the forefront of DD's mind and the questions are thick and fast, she wants me to get in touch and thinks he will want to get to know her.

What she doesn't know is that 2 years ago he finally replied to me (after 7 years and several letters). The letter has been written assuming she will read it and is kind (from her pov) and apologetic, but it is a rejection none-the-less, he has nothing to offer her and would rather give her all than nothing but isn't able to.

So, I've just emailed him with an update and some pictures, asking him to reconsider as she's asking questions that I can't answer (it sticks in my throat, it makes me desperately sad, but again this isn't about me)

If he replies it will be to say 'no', I can pretty much guarantee that - but 2 years have passed and there is a slim chance he may be in a better place now.

So, my question is. If he replies and if it's negative, how do I let DD down gently? I don't want to give her false hope, I want her to know I've been in touch with him.

If she was older I would show her the messages/letters (which has been my intention all along, once she was 16+) but she's 9 and pining for a person who doesn't exist - she has romanticised him and I do understand why.

My heart breaks for her but I just don't know how to handle this for the best, when she was younger it was easier to give her fluffy replies but now she has more questions and I don't want to damage her by doing wrong by her.

What is my next step? How do I let her down gently?


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