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This is impossible! How does anyone make this work??

(188 Posts)
Haddock73 Mon 02-Sep-13 14:17:34

As soon as I get ds1 (2) down, ds2 (9days old) kicks off. I've been up since 2am and frazzled! Ds2 won't sleep, he's been up for hours now and I physically don't know how to do this without dh being here!

Ds1 feels neglected, haven't bonded with ds2 because I feel resentful of him crying and crying and CRYING all the time nd taking me away from ds1, then I hate myself for feeling this way.

Crying and crying and feel like I can't cope and made a huge mistake.

When will it get better??

bigkidsdidit Tue 03-Sep-13 08:17:08

Oh you poor thing. Could you take DS2 to the gp?

I'm ff DS2 after bf DS1, after it didn't work out this time (tongue tie, mastitis etc). I was sad initially but it is easier now as DH does two nights a week and I go in the spare room. It's improved life hugely. Would your DH do that?

Haddock73 Tue 03-Sep-13 10:30:02

bigkidsdid ff help you?

bigkidsdidit Tue 03-Sep-13 10:36:43

Yes and no. I have a lot of guilt and sadness that Dzs2 is not bf like DS1 was and that he hasn't got the health benefits. And going out for more than a few hours is a pain. But it is quicker and DS is more satisfied and happier so I have more time with DS1. And DH doing the two nights means I have two nights of solid sleep and a glass of wine in the bath uninterrupted. Which I love.

Id talk to the GP first if I were you though, if your DS is screaming that much he might have reflux or something like that and I don't know if ff helps that or makes it worse?

Badvoc Tue 03-Sep-13 10:42:09

I think you need to go to the gp and ask about silent reflux - it could be why your ds is crying.
You also sound like you are at risk of pnd.
Can you phone the health visitor?

beginnings Tue 03-Sep-13 10:46:12

OP in a few weeks (please goodness) I will have a non walking 16 month old and a newborn. Your post is a good reality shot for me!

I remember the panic of the first few weeks though. All the advice I can offer, as I'm not there yet, is "this too will pass." It's such such early days.

Soditall Tue 03-Sep-13 10:54:56

Hugs to you.

Could your baby have colic?I've had the adult version and I don't know how babies cope with it it's agony!

I would get in touch with your midwife/healthvisitor they can be a great help and they can come to you which saves you having to go out to the Dr when your not feeling great.

Could you have pnd? I had it with my first and second and it felt horrendous my only regret was I didn't get help as soon as I knew I wasn't feeling like myself.

With my 3 other DC I was really lucky and I didn't get pnd and I felt so different.The medication and counselling with my first made all the difference to how I felt it put me on a much more even keel.I only had to have medication with my second as I asked for help a lot sooner and I ended up only needing to be on some tablets for a few months.

When I was breastfeeding my second DS I'd sit on the sofa and cuddle my 1st DS on the other side and we'd watch something he liked on the television(there was only 26 months between my first two)that way he didn't feel jealous when I was breastfeeding the baby and it helped alot with them bonding.

Try to make sure your getting plenty of sleep at night and rest dure in the day(easier said than done I know)could your DH help out in the night?My DH would wind and change the baby after I'd breastfed in the middle of the night just so I wasn't doing it all on my own and as soon as my head hit the pillow I'd fall back to sleep so I managed to gain between 20 and 40 extra minutes(depending on if the baby settled straight back to sleep or not)sleep after every feed compared to if I was doing it myself.

Bare minimum on the housework front whilst the baby is so young or better still if family/friends could sort that out or if you could afford a cleaner for a few weeks.

Leave the cooking to someone else and if both LO's manage to sleep dure in the day at the same time make sure you try to grab a nap or at least sit down and relax.

Haddock73 Tue 03-Sep-13 12:39:58

Thank you all. Ds2 had a better night last night and I'm determined to be happier today for the babies' sakes. I feel really low and worried about pnd but not sure if its normal to feel like this 10 days pp.

I will make a gp app for ds2 about the continuous bouts of screaming. Have also bought some infacol.

Thank you all for your support and advice, I hate feeling like this.

mummyxtwo Tue 03-Sep-13 19:52:33

Which city do you live in, OP? Firstly, this is the hard, seemingly-impossible bit! All you have to do right now is get through the day - it doesn't matter if you achieve nothing apart from feed the 3 of you, you can still be in your PJs at 3pm if it makes like easier - nothing matters! Sod the housework, laundry etc. Your dh can sort out his own pants / wear creased shirts. This is only temporary and it WILL get easier! My advice is to get out and about lots. Yes it's hard getting you all together to go out with all the paraphernalia you need for both kids, and you feel like you may have just aged 5 years before actually managing to leave the blasted house and usually someone poops on your way out the door and you all have to troop back in again, BUT it is far easier to sit in a quiet soft play centre cafe (not one of those hellish enormous ones where you lose a child 2 minutes after arriving and that sound like 100 people screaming in chorus) while baby sleeps on you or feeds, and your older dc is happily entertained chasing other children about and whizzing down the slide. I took them everywhere I think of to get out and about - the library was good too, as ours has toys and a small area to play, so ds1 was happy and didn't require me to entertain him. When at home, shamelessly overuse Cbeebies and Disney dvds - I successfully weaned ds1 off all the extra screen time when dd2 got a little older, so a few weeks of lots of tv isn't going to damage him. Drink coffee, try to get to bed in good time, and tell yourself that it will get better soon and all be worth it - and it is! It was bloody hard work initially, but I adore having the two of them - one dc was brilliant, two feels like a family. Sending you thanks and a brew

Haddock73 Wed 04-Sep-13 07:48:01

Thank you mummy live in london so there's plenty to do....thank you for the advice. I guess I'm scared about ds1 having a full n meltdown tantrum while ds2 screams and feeling massively overwhelmed. Do you think I just need to bite the bullet and take them out alone? Have only even with dh so far.

Everyone else seems to make it look so easy, whereas I seem to be the one with a toddler screaming into the floor and a newborn screaming to be picked up. I feel as if everyone's looking at me.

Had an easier day yesterday and cried alot less, but again it as because dh helped a lot.

Ds1 goes to nursery three mornings a week so what could I do for those afternoons after his nap? Is just a walk okay? I feel likei need to constantly entertain him. The other two days I could take them playgroup amd soft play but it feels so scary on my own.

Hats off to single parents have no idea how they do this everyday.

blueberryupsidedown Wed 04-Sep-13 08:27:05

If you are in East London, I am an Ofsted registered childminder and would happily have your DS1 for a few hours / half a day if it all gets too much.

Yes just go for a walk, have a picnic, play football, and if your DS2 cries then he just cries. My DS2's first sentence was 'hold-on-a-minute'.

MsGazelle Wed 04-Sep-13 09:08:12

Playgroup is a really good place to go as they tend to be contained. And, having taken a tiny baby to playgroup, you instantly become surrounded by other mums and dads who want to coo at the tiny baby. So if you are having problems at any point you will definitely be able to find a willing baby holder. The staff at my playgroup are lovely too, they always make a point of coming to chat with me to see how I am doing with two.

It is hard, but it will get better. You are in such early days, even in a week it will look different again. I invited lots of friends with kids round in the early weeks as well to entertain my oldest. And to start with we definitely just did small things like a walk to the park. A walk keeps my 2.5 year old entertained for ages as she stops to ask about every dropped crisp packet, neighbourhood cat, flower, stick, etc.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Wed 04-Sep-13 09:15:40

Hi haddock. You're right it is hard, but you're wrong that you're the only one. I PROMISE you we've all had the 2 kids screaming moment. Mine was in a soft play where DS 3.2 had a mega meltdown over time to go despite warnings and "one last go" accompanied by dd 4m going from minor over tiredness whinge to full on scream. Had dd in sling, rucksack on back and screaming toddler carried under my arm. Most humiliating parenting experience to date!!

But I still take them out and 9.9/10 times its fine and often wonderful. Easiest excursions are walks with an activity, so a walk to feed the ducks, or walk to a play area, esp with a picnic. Buggy board or better still a double buggy incase ds1 gets tired. Soft play hard on your own as DS bound to get stuck/hurt just when ds2 has poonami and needs a change. Wherever you go take bribery - the emergency raisins for any good boys who get back to the car quickly...

Oh and stop entertaining all the time, really. I was guilty of this too but it's impossible and DSs imaginative play has come on leaps and bounds because sometimes I just show him his toys and leave him to it. Don't be ashamed of using beebies either!

Lastly, please don't wait to see your GP. Make a double appt so plenty of chat time (they'll appreciate it) and go and see a nice sympathetic gp. Now. Crying every day not normal at this stage. PND is much better managed if picked up early.

Good luck to you and your boys.

MsGazelle Wed 04-Sep-13 09:17:51

And on the sling, there are lots of sling libraries in London so if you wanted to try something else you could go to one and borrow something. Do speak to your GP if you are at all concerned about PND. Better to catch it early.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Wed 04-Sep-13 09:28:05

Meant to also say that there is no evidence that ff babies sleep any better than bf, but if it helps you then try it.

And about the bonding. There are loads of threads on here on the lack of immediate bonding. It's ok to not immediately fall in love, or even for quite a while. With DS I had the flash of love moment as soon as he was put in my arms. With dd, well she could have been anyone's baby tbh, it took 6-8 weeks for me to feel anything for her and 3-4 months before I could honestly say she has equal place in my heart to DS.

The love will come, feeling ashamed of the lack of bond will make it worse. Just study his face (when not screaming!) try eye contact, lots of skin to skin. We used to sit in bed in the mornings, DS watching beebies and dd snuggled inside my nightie having a feed. Really helped.

If you have any family or friends that don't work, ask them to come and stay and help for a week. Tell them you're struggling. Or ask the HV if someone could come from the sure start scheme. There's plenty of help out there if you reach out for it.

MadeOfStarDust Wed 04-Sep-13 09:36:06

I had 2 18 months apart and remember those early days of DD2 - it gets better quickly.... it is all just tooo new to start off with and totally and utterly overwhelming....

First I would go see the doc... not just because you may be depressed, but because they know of all the places you can go to get help... we had a meet-a-mum network -

don't know if they are still going, but it put a group of mildly-depressed, mildly-neurotic, heavily-sleep-deprived women in touch with each other - and it made me feel sooooooooo much better to meet folks with EXACTLY the same stuff going on as I had.... we could laugh, pass round whichever baby was screaming at the time - entertain the siblings with play dough and lego - and actually have a cup of coffee .... with ADULTS!

I did a lot of walking - first with a double buggy, then with a buggy board - there was one particular paving slabbed pavement that made the baby sleep - so we always came back from feeding the ducks down that road.... those ducks were soooooo fat by the time the littlest was 6 months old, they waddled with a groan each step!

Our meltdown moment was in Harveys furniture store - full on screaming tantrum - one person ran up concerned I was trying to abduct my own daughter since she screamed SOOO loud when I swung her under my arm to take her out of the shop..

We laugh about it all now - but from 6 weeks on it got easier for us. (started to mix feed - one bottle at bedtime, BF the rest of the time)

FrogGreen Wed 04-Sep-13 10:08:41

It really is tough, the transition. It does get better quite quickly. One idea is to ask dh to take a day off, say on a Friday, each week for a month or so after he goes back. It burns up a few holiday days, but not that many, and it really helps to make your week a bit shorter. Helped me at that stage.

WetGrass Wed 04-Sep-13 10:47:24

Ha ha - yes - the crazy moments!

(does sanity ever return? Just yesterday on the bus:

Ds: my wobbly tooth is really annoying
DD: here- I can help punch
DS: waaaahhhhhh
DD: whoops - that was a bit harder than I meant to
me: get off the bus kids... Off ... Now now now .... Oh, bugger it - how far is this bus going to take us until DS is calm enough to co-operate & get off??

All played out loudly in front of (obviously) the rest of the bus. [shame]. )

Liveinthepresent Wed 04-Sep-13 11:06:49

OP your post made me well up in recognition.

Just another message of support - I am 10 weeks in and DC1 is a bit older than yours - it does get easier quite quickly ! I am already looking back at weeks 3-6 thinking how much easier things are now. dC2 is more settled / occasionally naps not on me / can be put down in bouncy chair for a bit.

One of the things that struck a chord in your post is the guilt towards DC1 - just yesterday I realised that we are starting now to properly function in our new format - DC2 can't remember life without the baby - and has started to interact with him / sit quietly with me while I bF rather than clamouring for attention - and yesterday morning when he was crying she asked if she could cuddle him - my heart almost burst.

I hope I am nit glossing over how tough it is for you right now - it's such a roller coaster - and I have had tons of support- but it will be ok .

Haddock73 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:29:54

blueberry that is extremly kind of you, unfortunetly I'm not near east london and don't have a car but thank you so much for the offer.really appreciate it.

The HV is coming tomorrow to do the newborn checks, should I mention to her how I'm feeling? I don't want them to think I'm not fit to look after my children but at the same time I'm worried at how much I'm crying.

Haddock73 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:33:22

hp really appreciate our soft ply sorry, makes me feel less alone! I will make a doubl GP appointment, I'm worried at how my crying is affecting ds1 when he wakes in the morning he says "mummy crying?" Which is heartbreaking.

Haddock73 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:36:51

Also thank you for the bonding tip...I feel so ashamed that I don't feel th same amoun o love for ds2 as I do ds1 and hate myself for it. Dh seems to have bonded so easily and although I love him, I feel so much more for ds1. Dh says its normal as we've known ds1 for 2 years and ds2 for 11 days but I feel as his mother it should be instant, then I worry he's picking up on this and that's why he's crying so much.

Haddock73 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:39:09

Thank you so much everyone for your support and advice.

Guitargirl Wed 04-Sep-13 11:56:20

I have been there, I know how overwhelming it can be. I remember taking DD and DS out to the park for the first time on my own when DS was about 10 days old and DD had just turned 2. DD ran off with another child's ball - so then the child with the missing ball was crying, DD cried when I took it off her. DS crying in the sling. It was awful. I learnt to breastfeed standing up, holding DS with one arm and pushing DD up by the bum on to various slides around north London...

I co-slept with DS right from the start, it meant that I wasn't like a total zombie dealing with DD in the morning. I settled DD into a 3-mornings a week playgroup just before DS was born so we had 3 mornings a week where we could just be the 2 of us and if he slept that's when I ran round like a lunatic tidying up. As soon as DS would reliably go for at least 2 hours between feeds, I would leave him for that time with DP and take DD to a cafe for a babycino and some cake so she also got some 1-1 time with me. At home when DS napped I would do stickers or something with DD that she wanted to do.

Sometimes I would take DS with me to parent and baby screenings at the local cinema when DD was at playgroup so at least I could feel as though I was doing something of interest for myself.

Our local leisure centre does a very low-key younger child focused type of soft play. We spent many an hour there when it rained so DD could get some running around and I would just collapse on to the nearest soft thing and feed DS then as soon as he could sit up he would be playing too and I could roll him balls or whatever.

It's a very stressful time at the mo (obviously) but you are in the eye of the storm now. For my own mental health I always found it best to leave the house as early as possible in the mornings. Sometimes we would be in the playground by 8 am the first people there! But it meant that I wouldn't lose DD in the crowd of other kids and if DS was crying then it didn't matter so much!

bigkidsdidit Wed 04-Sep-13 12:13:07

Yes, mention it to your HV.

For what to do in the afternoon, don't go too far. I can't drive and I'm still scared to rake them both out on the bus, so we go for a walk to look at flowers, splash in puddles etc ending at the post box where I let DS1 post a letter. Usually a 'return to sender' for the previous tenant! Then every afternoon we have a Disney film. Often a picky tea plate on the sitting room rug.

Take things gently. You don't have to be supermum smile

bigkidsdidit Wed 04-Sep-13 12:15:38

Ps I didn't have the rush of love for Ds1 till he was nearly 6 months! I loved him and cared for him but didn't have the mother love everyone else talked about. When. It came I was like ' oh! I see!' It is different for all mothers and all babies - it will come with time, don't stress out snout that.

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