Firstly, as grandparents go she is the least engaged I have ever met. She lives 4 hours away, is retired and wealthy and yet she has seen 2.6yo DS a handful of times - the last time was Christmas when we travelled to see her (and FIL) and the rest of DH's family. We have practically had to beg her to help us with 2 days of childcare coming up - and that was more because DH and i felt we ought to give her the opportunity to spend some time with DS. My family live close by and would be more than happy to help, but we felt we ought to at least give her the opportunity instead.
Anyway, she (and FIL) are coming.
I have two stepdaughters - one (13yo) we see regularly and have an exceptional relationship with. The other (almost 16) chose two years ago to break off contact with us. We have tried numerous times and numerous ways to fix things, before letting it lie and hoping she will one day come back. Before she stopped contact, she too had a good relationship with us, as well as, and particularly, her half brother who was 9 months old at the time.
So MIL called DH yesterday to say:
1/ For DSD2's 16th birthday (the one we don't see any more) she wants to give her the £1000 she's saved over the years. DH said it was her money and she could therefore do what she wants with it, but wondered if it might be worth waiting until her 18th instead, by which time she is more likely to spend it a bit more wisely. He also pointed out that DSD2's former behaviour has been to never thank anybody for gifts and presents, and perhaps effectively rewarding her for having little to no contact with anyone might not be the best choice. Regardless, she wants to do it, so DH has made his point and said "go for it, but don't expect and thanks".
2/ She has arranged to meet DSD2 while she is looking after DS. This she had done before she spoke to us about it. Neither of us wants to stop this meeting and believe it's a good thing that they, at least, are staying in contact. The problem i have, is that she intends to take DS with her. This i feel is wholly inappropriate. DSD has not seen DS for over a year, despite both DH and I making it clear that if she wanted to stay in contact and have a relationship with him we will not stand in her way. DS's CM lives opposite DSD and has also said to her that she's welcome to visit DS there to develop their relationship. She has chosen not to. The last time they saw each other, DS had no idea who she was and apparently the whole situation was very awkward, as well as upsetting for DSD (she was plainly upset that he didn't recognise/ remember her). If DSD wants to see him, fine, but i want her to make that effort voluntarily (it's there on a plate for her if she chooses to take it), not because MIL makes DS tag along with them so she can give her £1000 over a coffee.
DH has told her we don't believe it's the right circumstances to re-introduce them. Firstly, he doesn't really know the grandparents who will be looking after him. Secondly, they are taking him to meet a sister he no longer knows. I want DSD to know that the door remains open, she is welcome to see him at the CM (and ours) whenever she likes etc, but a one-off and probably never-to-be-repeated occasion, outside of DS's home environment, is not the time or place to do so. MIL's reaction was "we'll discuss it when i come down". Mine is "no, we won't. It will not be happening."
How do i make her see (without completely alienating her) that her interference is likely to re-open own wounds? She is a volatile woman, who is likely to say "well i'm meeting her anyway - so you'll have to find alternative childcare". I don't want an argument, but over my dead body is she going to do this against our wishes.
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Interfering/ controlling MIL - advice needed (long, sorry)
7 replies
matana · 16/07/2013 12:57
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