Hi ladies
Am still fairly new to MN, but am picking up from various threads that you all share similar parenting styles - empathic, gentle, negotiating, non-punitive, etc.
This is the kind of parenting I believe in (all of the time), aspire to (most of the time), and succeed at (some of the time) 
...
But today was "one of those days", with dp away, ds (two next week) irritable with rotten cold, and me trying - and quickly failing - to be an eternally patient, understanding and playful mummy while simultaneously trying to get on top of the housework. Ended up sighing, taking deep breaths, snapping a bit, and drifting off in my own little world. Feel I abandoned my parenting values through weariness 
- and it probably happens quite a bit. Often before 9am! 
So some questions ...
Do you find that the focus, energy and patience required to consistently empathise/understand/be creative/explain/negotiate/distract and divert - etc - dry up sometimes, even when they're still very much needed? For me, they're impossible to keep up all the time ... if it's the same for you, too, how do you handle your "lapses"?
More pontificating ...
My mum is gentle and patient - always has been - while my dad, who is now pretty laid back, was a bit of a formidable authoritarian when we grew up. I can see that I have both my parents' styles in me, and while Mum's is dominant, Dad's quick temper appears sometimes too - especially on days like today! Do you find this too - that you have a couple of different parents in you? How consistent do you think we need to be in our parenting style; how many off-days, relatively, can little ones weather?
And what's it like trying to be this attentive to more than one child?! Don't know if I could do it ...
Grateful for any reassurances that I'm not the only one falling considerably short of my parenting ideals.
Thanks
EBAB
PS Franny, the co-sleeping's going well. Thanks for your input on this last month.
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
Franny? Elibean? Trinityrhino? Sparkle? Parenting style question ...
eggybreadandbeans · 05/06/2006 02:27
just bumping this so franny sees it
and wondering if it would be presumptious to answer it
Oh blimey, this is what I aspire to as well, Eggy Bread, I don't manage it either
I think HC could probably make a better stab at it than me but I will have a go after I have had my quinoa flakes.
Glad someone is happily co-sleeping because ds has definitely moved out of my bed.
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Relieved to see you have had some great responses here and now I will also give it my best shot :)
"This is the kind of parenting I believe in (all of the time), aspire to (most of the time), and succeed at (some of the time) "
This part of your post is brilliant and could be my mission statement. I certainly don't do any better than "some of the time". I am a bit worried about the bit where you ask for reassurance that you are not "the only one falling considerably short of my parenting ideals". Of course you are not! It makes me feel sad that you thought maybe you were. I think you are being very hard on yourself (and also the rest of us, who are also crap from time to time :))
I don't personally aspire to be an "eternally patient, understanding and playful mummy". I know there is no hope in hell of me achieving this and also it sounds a bit like the Stepford Wives . I think children not only can cope with our moods but that they need to experience a bit of conflict. Life as a human being, especially relationships, is not plain sailing. Fear and sadness are unfortunately part of our lives and learning about those emotions is as much a part of growing up as learning to walk.
Your son has learnt valuable lessons from you losing your temper - that another person can be angry with him, that it feels scary, but that he has survived. That mummy can be cross sometimes but still loves him. That adults behave badly sometimes too. How you behave after you lose your temper is important - that's when you can model ways of dealing with conflict, show how to apologise and make things right, show that bad things happen but that we get over them and move on.
I also think boredom is also a healthy emotion. Children who have been constantly amused and played with by an adult are a pain in the bum when they get to nursery, sorry, and probably quite tedious as adults. I think learning to entertain yourself and also have some space for thinking is a very important lifeskill. So you concentrating on the housework and drifting off in your own world is fine as far as I can see.
Yes I certainly do lose focus / energy / patience. I count days where I have been patient for most of the day as a roaring success. I really worry that you think some of us are being these perfect parents :( It is making me wonder how I come across on here. About consistency - I don't know the answer but I do know that ds lived through literally months of me being a grumpy, intolerant, bored, authoritarian mother when we were having a bad patch. I imagine this was not particularly ideal for him. However he is a (mostly :)) gorgeous, smart and confident little person in spite of it.
I will think of more things to add, I am sure. I hope that at least some of what I've said is useful, but I am really just learning about this as I go along. I would second Fillyjonk's recommendation to get some inspiring books for when you are flagging - Dr. Sears is great, as are 'What Mothers Do', 'Our Babies Ourselves', 'Mothering Your Nursing Toddler', and a must read is Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards.
'Tis interesting to ponder on how we perceive ourselves as mothers, how others perceive us, and how the all-important little people do...
Fillyjonk, I have an 11-month-old dd too!
The time out thing is something I thought I'd never need... Not that there's a chance of getting it until they are all at school, then I will be lonely
(No pleasing some people!)
The mutual mothering support thing just doesn't seem to exist these days(has anybody read Baby Wisdom by Deborah Jackson?) IME except possibly on MN which is becoming valuable for the conversation and cameraderie I wouldn't otherwise get.
Enough wittering, I'm off to start me own thread...
haven't got time to read all posts (hej tickytoo though, glad you escaped from that mug, 
), 2 things, 1, has anyone heard of the natural nurtuting network? I have just joined, they look pretty good on this sort of thing and most importantly accept that everyone is on a journey. Also that there are many shades of attatchement parenting. can link to site later if any interest, theres a yahoo group but i haven't signed up yet.
also, one thing that i did sometimes with ds b4 dd was born was to take just time outs with him some weeks, completely break all usual routine, no parent and toddler groups, no "playdates" (seeing friends ok but none of this getting to know new people business that week-just doing what we wanted to do, staying at home, eating our quinoa flake porridge at teatime, being very easy on ourselves. Reading together, playing together, just me focussing on him. Probably did that maybe 1/4 weeks, and usually when dp was away. Putting him in the sling and getting on the bus and going for a long, long nature walk. We ate when we were hungry. Also, after ds was asleep, some real me time which for me is knitting and reading and playing my instruments (quietly)-whatever takes your fancy.
I'm not confident enough to lead my life like that all the time, and since dd, we need a routine as it represents compromise between everyone's needs, but I really look back with nostalgia at our centering weeks. If I didn't have dd now I'd love to be taking ds camping alone (as it is I'm taking them both and am dreading it a bit, tbh)
I'm sorry, this is a stream of consciousness, but its so nice to find other AP parents at last! We don't really do such things round here .
Blimey, didnt' think I'd been on MN long or loud enough to be in a title line I'm honoured.
And relieved that Franny and the others said it all so well already...
I 'only aspire' too - and I whole heartedly agree with NQC about apologizing. It makes all the difference, both to how I feel after a bit of losing it - and to how dd feels. Plus, if dd never sees me mess up, say sorry, own my bit, she won't be able to either...and its probably one of the most important skills in relationships. My problem is knowing when to be sorry, and how much - sometimes need a bit of objective help with that one!
I stumble and trip all the time - really, ALL the time. I imagine we all do, especially with a first child. I suppose I hold on to the principles that being honest with a child, being able to say sorry, having a laugh with them, and really listening to them, can counteract a lot of cockups.
I know there's more I wanted to say....aargh...am going to have to finish later.
ooo ooo so chuffed to be in a title
I do try really hard to be calm, non punitive and listen.
It is really hard and I don't manage ot most of the time. I have never smacked them but I have shouted at them and known that it was only because I was angry and worn out, not because it would help the situation.
the patience does run out, frequently, (with me probably more than the other mnners)and we have some really crap days.
but I know that I try my best to be fair and understanding, so far I have a yr old that is doing greta at school, knows that she is loved and feeld secure. She can be a bit of a monster but on the whole has never really done anything she knows that she shouldn't
ramble ramble
sorry
I
Ah yes, two parents inside us.....of course, yes, there are (if we have had two parents). Unfortunately, neither of mine did a lot of hands on parenting - they were busy having a horrible relationship with each other or with their own parents. But I do have my father's patience to draw on, and my mother's creativity...both of which I'm immensely grateful for. I also have my mother's impatience and desire to control, and my father's longing to ditch responsibility and avoid conflict....all of which I battle daily, with a 2.5 yr old
And I think I'm growing a few +ve and -ves of my own, should be at my age...
Oh yes, and attentive to needs of more than one.....yikes, I am terrified of this one. Currently 13 weeks pregnant with #2, and even being pregnant makes me knackered, impatient, reactive (shall I go on). Let alone sleepless nights, and all that in my mid forties
I suspect the trick is to lower those parenting standards and shrug a lot!
Finally (honest) I think little ones can weather quite a bit of off-days. And we weather quite a lot of theirs, as you have been doing with yours recently...nothing more guaranteed to make me doubt my parenting/sanity/stamina than a sick child, it can be really draining: you probably need a break!
Hi eggybread, before I had dd, I had read the stuff in BabyWhisperer and in parenting magazines, fully intending to follow them, determined I would not be dictated to be an infant. But it was my dd (and her relentless 24/7 demands) that made me switch to AP/instinctive parenting etc. The more I read, the more it made sense and now I have embraced it as my guiding light.
But of course, the ideal is far from reality. Dd 2.8 is still as demanding as ever (though those demands change as she matures) - result is patchy parenting. Not helped by the fact that I try so hard to meet dd's needs that I allow myself to be tipped over the edge. Not difficult for a person as emotional and generally selfish as me.
Things I am not proud of:
Shouting at dd (still happens)
Freaking out at her frequent wakings that she went on a nursing strike
Leaving her in fulltime nursery from 18 months
Much as I love her to distraction, I cannot bear to spend a full day alone with her. She gives me no breaks other than the one nap if she will take take it - I haven't the heart to train her to play by herself.
But when I am with her, I clear the decks. I feel she will forgive me my lapses. Yes, I apologise to her. At the end of the day, I believe it is more important for your ds to see that you are trying , rather than to see you are perfect.
And co-sleeping covers a multitude of sins. It is our way of connecting again after a rough day. I don't always like myself as a parent, but those smiles and cuddles in the morning make up for everything 
PS, Franny thanks for pointing me to this thread.
Thank you all so much. Some lovely responses. And what a relief to know some of your halos have slipped, too.
Yes, I suppose some MNers do come across as pretty awe-inspiringly "together" with their parenting. And I'm a perfectionist to the core - which is probably what so much of this fretting is about - and, because you can't parent perfectly, every day brings a bit of tension between what you'd like to achieve, and what you actually do.
I connected with what you said, glassofwine. My dp also says to me that I'm doing a great job, and it's impossible to be perfect. Sounds so obvious when you say it. Am in awe at your three under three - blimey!
As for books, well I'm a bit late to attachment/empathic/whatever-you-want-to-call-it parenting. So books, not really - although Margot Sunderland's newly published "The Science of Parenting" arrived in the post today, and is looking interesting. I stumbled on www.naturalchildproject.org maybe a year ago (when ds was just approaching his first birthday). Prior to that, incredibly naive as it may seem, I just didn't know there was an alternative to what's become the standard Western way of parenting. I read lots of books (too many!), but they were all pretty mainstream - "Baby Whisperer" included. And this is how we parented for the first year - flexible-ish routine, ds sleeping in his own room, plenty of flapping over what he should be doing, etc.
www.naturalchildproject.org opened my eyes to a completely different way of doing things. I spent weeks reading the articles on there when ds was asleep, and actually had a counselling session with Jan Hunt over the phone. Something I hadn't, and still haven't, really come to terms with is the fact that we left ds to cry it out for a few nights when he was maybe five months old; left him to really sob in his cot for maybe 45 minutes at a time. We were all knackered, desperate for sleep, and friends and the health visitor and sleep clinic were pressing us - so my head thought it must be OK, even though my heart never bought it. So we still did it, and I feel SOOO guilty. So I called Jan about this; wanted to feel at peace with a pretty big parenting cock-up. She was eye-opening and inspiring (her son breastfed until seven, and co-slept until 12) - if a little difficult to relate to from our then very different situation. So yes, Natural Child Project has been my most significant attachment parenting resource to date.
Sometimes I wonder about getting more books, but I have been such an obsessive reader that dp has thrown one book in the bin (twice), and I set a New Year resolution for this year to read no parenting books (or websites! ) unless it was an emergency. And I managed it for two months and was really quite sane! Have obviously lapsed, and am enjoying the support of MN no end. What I mean is that, books maybe have their limitations - so many, so often contradictory. And for me personally, I sometimes find reading them after a lapse only makes me feel worse! Oh the guilt ...
Should really have said by now how much of a lovely day ds and I had today - a distinct positive in all this worrying. We walked to the river this morning with a friend, played lots of football, did errands with ds behaving beautifully in the fruit and veg shop (all those tomatoes to lob - so tempting!), and went on another walk to the park this evening. Felt so pleased with myself, but had lost a bit of patience by bedtime - and so felt a bit crap again.
I obviously have some stuff to deal with personally here, to do with how I deal with making mistakes and feeling too much guilt for my own and ds's good. Really, today was 90% a good day, but that 10% really niggles me.
Definitely a good point about getting regular breaks. It's not happening! My mum, who has helped us a lot in the past, is caring for my poorly sister a lot at the moment. It doesn't seem fair to ask too much of her for the time being. I need to sort something on this score though - that, or spend ds's nap/sleep times having bath or relax instead of getting lost in parenting books/websites!
Something that did strike a chord today was the section in this new Margot Sunderland book about parents' diets and how they influence mood, energy levels, etc. I know from a blood test I had last autumn that my serotonin level was (is?) way off the bottom end of the normal range - suggesting that my happier moments (and there are some!) must be miracles. Flicking through these pages reminded me about eating the right foods and supplements, and working out a way to exercise regularly to boost my mood. Maybe if I can get my serotonin level up, much of this fretting will become a distant memory! We live in hope.
Anyway, I'm on a complete ramble! Thank you again ladies, really thank you. Am feeling much better for your kindness and support.
Sleep tight.
EBAB
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Ooh, thank you for reminding me that the Sunderland book is out now, and a bit of a because I am bankrupting myself with books this month though
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