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Did you always know you wanted children?

(35 Posts)
AtLeast50Cats Tue 02-Jul-13 19:49:24

Hello all, I've been reading mumsnet for awhile for advice with step-parenting but this is my first post as I have a question that I hope you can answer honestly.

Did you always absolutely know you wanted to have a child? Was there ever any doubt?

I ask because my husband (who is a bit older than me) has three very nearly grown up children from his previous marriage and always made it very clear from when we first met that he didn't want any more children. I have always been fine with this as I never thought kids would be a certainty in my life and it was more important to have a happy relationship whether that is with or without children. Recently though he announced that he had been thinking about it a lot and that if I would like a baby then he would be happy to have more children.

Now I'm confused, I had come to terms with the fact I wouldn't have kids, I love him and his children and I thought that was enough (and 50 cats to keep me company when I'm old and grey). Now I don't know. Should I have a baby? Should you only have a baby if you absolutely know you want one? Is it just selfish otherwise? Does any doubt go away the moment you see the first scan?

Please be as honest/brutal as you like!

50Cats smile

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 21:32:14

For me OP the biological clock was so loud I couldn't hear anything else but it ticking. As I said earlier, on my wedding day i had absolutely no interest in babies, talking about babies, even friends babies. It seemed to change overnight and as soon as we started trying it seemed like torture as each month came round and we hadn't conceived.

DH very happy to go along with it all, but not sure whether we would have had kids if my biological clock hadn't kicked in, as they weren't really on out radar before that happened.

Jan49 Tue 02-Jul-13 22:37:39

When I was a teenager I had no interest in ever having children and thought I would never choose to have any. I didn't really have much personal experience of younger children as I was the youngest in my family and had no cousins.

I changed my mind at some point when I was first in a relationship with my later h (now ex). We were teens when we started dating but I think it was a few years later. Then I desperately wanted a baby and wanted it now! I stayed that way for about 7 years. My h's attitude was always "not yet" but eventually we got to a point where he felt the same. I had no doubts. I felt like I'd die if I didn't have one.

In your situation I think it would be daft to go ahead and have a baby if you are not at all sure it's what you want. Maybe you need time to get used to the idea that your h has changed his mind. Fifty cats is the easier option.wink

MillionPramMiles Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:52

I never wanted children and would never have had them if my dp hadn't wanted them. My life was perfectly fine before I had a child, I was in a secure, loving long term relationship, I had good friends, enjoyable interests, a rewarding career. Having a child has taken a toll on all of those things, some irreversibly.

But when someone you love wants something so much and everyone around you seems to be having children and telling you how wonderful it is, it's hard to not convince yourself you should do it too.
You might find it’s wonderful and you’re so glad you did it. You might not. But there’s no going back once you’ve done it.

I'd suggest thinking about the things that make you happy currently, the things you wouldn’t want to do without and then think realistically about whether those things could continue if you have a baby.
Some people will l blithely tell you they just strap the baby in a sling and do whatever they like. I’d suggest having a look at some of the threads in the parenting and sleep sections of mumsnet to see that it isn’t quite that simple (I wish I'd done that). Babies are very variable, you can’t predict or influence what sort of baby you will have or how they will impact your life.
Also, suggest discuss with your dh what level of support you expect from him if you did have a child eg getting up during the night, taking time off work, giving up interests/friends etc.

If you don't decide to have a child, ignore those that tell you your life will be meaningless etc. It doesn't make you a better person or less selfish to have a child (in fact it's made me more selfish as I only think about my child rather than dp/friends/family and its made me a grumpier person!)

LookMaw Wed 03-Jul-13 09:27:51

I didn't really want kids, I never said never but kids used to annoy the hell out of me and babies were pretty gross. I always considered that I may change my mind one day in the very distant future.

Then one day I woke up wanting a baby. It was all I could think about. I was in my last year of training to be a nurse at uni, at the ripe old age of 22 and I needed a baby. Now. I can't explain it, the desperate need to procreate burned my entire body.

9 1/4 months later DD was born and is the single, most amazing thing I've ever done. Honestly.

I still think other peoples kids are gross though.

daimbardiva Wed 03-Jul-13 09:44:48

No, I was uncertain/undecided, until I met my husband, and realised that I wanted us to be a family. I never yearned for a baby - it was the creating a family with the man I loved that I suddenly wanted. Nowwe have two children and I couldn't be happier.

shakespeare Wed 03-Jul-13 10:38:53

Nope, never really wanted children, but like MillionPramMiles, I had a partner who was really keen and as I was turning 36 I had to make a decision either way. I was going out on a bit of a limb falling pregnant (and I fell pregnant very quickly) when I had no biological clock ticking.

I found I was quite an instinctive mother but did spend many an hour pondering whether it was for me (still do). I've just had no. 2 so I guess there must be something in it. There are some great times but boy there are some tough times. You really can feel all emotions in one day. I would never say to someone 'oh you must have children, its amazing' because sometimes it really ain't (perhaps I should reply to this post, I've had a bloody dreadful day today!) wink. Its a crazy, frustrating, stressful, wonderful ride.

misssilverwings Wed 03-Jul-13 11:54:49

NO never thought about it seriously til turned 38 and started fretting my insides would wither. So tried for a bit then Lorenzo came along. Even after he'd come out I thought, oh shit, what have I done!
Took 3 months to bond and now 4 years later he is my world( But I do work fulltime as staying at home would be hell having worked all my life!). Number two popped out just before I hit 40.
They are life changing beautiful difficult horrible sometimes but mostly amazingly gorgeous... and I have become the mother I had imagined!

iseenodust Wed 03-Jul-13 12:07:38

Another like a MillionPram. In my late thirties moved from no not never to 'well if it happens it does' and it did. Love DS to pieces and no regrets but also believe life would still have been good had he not arrived, just in a different way.

FeegleFion Wed 03-Jul-13 12:10:02

I never wanted DC.

Thank God, for me, I've had contraception fail twice.

I couldn't imagine life without them. wink

Phoenixflame Wed 03-Jul-13 14:48:30

Yes, I've always wanted to have children from quite a young age. Then when I got to about 16-17 and knew it was a possibility I thought about it more and more and knew I wanted to be a youngish mum. Luckily enough, I'm now 26 and me and DH have been together 10 years, married for 3. Our DS is 2.3yrs old and DD is 12 weeks. I love it. I'm absolutely knackered most of time and sometimes it can be alot to handle. But I wouldn't have it any other way grin

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