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Am I being irrational?

(19 Posts)
babylily Wed 31-May-06 12:49:44

I need to know if I'm being OTT about this or not..
DD is 3 and is looked after by SIL on Mondays & Tuesdays while I'm at work (we pay her).
DH went to pick up DD yesterday to find SIL wasn't there, but at work at her other job and DD and cousins were being babysat by a 15 year old neighbour and her boyfriend.
We don't know these people, our DD doesn't know them. The girl was stood out the front of house smoking when DH arrived and DD was playing out back unsupervised.
I was completely livid last night and it makes me feel sick now. I would never hand over my daughter to someone I don't know and haven't fully checked out, and certainly would never dream of doing so with someone elses child.
At the moment if I speak to SIL I think we will end up never speaking again.
Should I calm down and get a grip/ or am I being rational?
SIL will only be looking after DD for another month before I go on maternity leave, so maybe I should leave it...but...

anorak Wed 31-May-06 12:52:04

Didn't she know she'd have to go off to her other job before you got back?

Feistybird Wed 31-May-06 12:54:09

Doesn't sound too good, but before you go in all guns a-blazing, find out from your SIL what happened first.

monkeytrousers Wed 31-May-06 12:54:32

No, you're not being OTT. I'd be livid too.

JonesTheSteam Wed 31-May-06 12:54:34

What does your SIL do? Is there a chance she was called into work unexpectedly?

JonesTheSteam Wed 31-May-06 12:55:13

BTW, I would be angry as well, but I think you need to check facts out before going in all guns blazing!

bourneville Wed 31-May-06 12:56:15

jee i'd be livid. i'm almost speechless.

but yes, find out what happened first.

amber5 Wed 31-May-06 13:03:48

babylily - i'd be as outraged as you sound. i think i'd probably take her out tbh, but then i do tend to over-react to things . emotionally - just think what could have happened, doesn't bear thinking about. but then sensibly if you don't yet know the full details - had your sil tried to contact you, was she called away to an emergency etc - and you've only another few weeks of your dd being there anyway... it's gonna be a hard decision but needs to be what you and your dp feel comfortable with.
just wanted to say i don't think you're over-reacting.

kitbit Wed 31-May-06 13:12:21

I'd give myself a little moment to calm down... and then demand to know why she had handed my baby over to a complete stranger a)without asking my permission and b)when she is supposed to be being paid to do it herself! You are in the right, I don't think you've overreacting at all (especially in view of the sloppy childcare attitude of the 15 yearold she chose) and I think calm anger is much more effective than blazing fury. I'd be royally pissed off and if it were me, she would have to do a lot to regain my trust and I probably wouldn't be inclined to leave my lo with her again.

LIZS Wed 31-May-06 13:16:25

Don't think you're overreacting , after all you are employing her to be with your child (is she actually a Childminder ?) and she is then passing that responsiblity on to someone you don't know and probably wouldn't trust. Presumably this isn't the norm though (wouldn't the neighbour be in school) and her 2nd job doesn't usually overlap her caring for your dd ? tbh think you should give her the opportunity to explain but think you need to make it clear it must not happen again, assuming you decide to continue with the arrangement, and if there is any problem you expect a phone call to discuss any rearrangements beforehand. Personally think I would have lost confidence and have my doubts about what else goes on though

babylily Wed 31-May-06 13:17:48

It was a work training course - so we presume she must have known about it beforehand.
What I don't understand is why she didn't bother to tell us/ or ask if it was okay. My work is really flexible and I could have easily left early to pick dd up or taken the day off if I needed to. I can't see any ulterior motive, but why not tell us? It makes me suspicious tbh that maybe she wasn't actually at work but off somewhere else...
I'm trying to resist phoning until I'm able to talk to her calmly about it. DH is not helping by being probably more angry than I am (it's his sister).
deep breaths...deep breaths.

juuule Wed 31-May-06 13:30:10

I wouldn't send my little one again. I'm sorry but for me the trust would be gone and there is no way I would leave the most precious thing in my life with someone I didn't trust.

babylily Wed 31-May-06 14:00:14

The trust has definitely gone. I guess this is one of the problems that comes with having family members as childcare providers. If she was a regular childminder this would probably never have happened, and because she's family confronting her will inevitably have other consequences. like a big family row...
But when I think about it - if something had happened...the girl wouldn't have known how to contact us/ or who dd's doctor was/ or how to give dd her inhaler.
I'm thinking I might just start my maternity early and avoid having to face the issue...
I'm overprotective enough already (Recently I was horrified that MIL took DD to sunday school and left her there while she went to church without consulting us - I mean - how much harm did I expect her to come to with a sunday school teacher?!)

pablopatito Wed 31-May-06 15:03:27

If I was you I'd go on maternity leave now and not bother confronting your SIL, or ever leave your daughter with her again. I can't see a positive outcome for you from having a big row. The trust has gone and you should move on and try and relax.

Xavielli Wed 31-May-06 15:49:41

If its DH's sister, then let him handle it, its his DD and his family member.

And no, you are not over reacting, I am only 20 myself and I wouldnt let any of my friends look after my lo's, let alone anyone younger.

saadia Wed 31-May-06 15:55:04

Agree with everyone else, you're not over-reacting at all.

Em32 Wed 31-May-06 15:59:43

I'd be furious. If she knew she had to go away or if she didn't she should have told you either way and given you the choice of what to do about it. I would try to calm down before I talked to her. But, personally, I would not leave my child with her again whatever she said.

Caligula Wed 31-May-06 16:09:09

God you are so not over-reacting. She was so out of order. A smoking 15 year old in charge of a child who needs an inhaler? Good Lord. I'd be raging.

TheLadyVanishes Thu 01-Jun-06 08:48:03

don't brush it under the carpet, you need to find out why she left your child with a 15yr old girl without telling you (i would give it a few days to calm down then have a word)

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