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bad parent?

(17 Posts)
jaylou Wed 31-May-06 12:34:46

Would like an independant opinion please. dh and mother and in-laws think i should be taking ds to motherbaby groups etc because they think he isn't meeting enough people outside the family and this will affect him in the long term. i meet up with friends maybe twice a month. we have outings as a family. ds is only 10 months old and was waiting till he can at least crawl so he can better interact with other children. am i really not doing enough and why so much pressure? ta.

MamaG Wed 31-May-06 12:36:10

I'd wait until he can at least crawl, take no notice of dh and in laws etc!

monkeytrousers Wed 31-May-06 12:39:34

Tell them to nob off! Your baby is so young - he won't want to interact with other kids for ages to come. Mother and baby groups for babies are for the mothers anyway. Tell them he won't need structured play for a few years either. Bloody fuss pots!

Securlurking Wed 31-May-06 12:40:17

Have they mentioned flash cards yet?

TBH I was rubbish at this kind of thing as I am not comfortable with that type of situation - but my children are all "normal"!

Tell them that you are looking into the best ones to go to as you do not want to scar your childs young mind by exposing him to the wrong children so early on - and then take as long as you want to find it - say until he is crawling?

(oh yes and start to come up with some stock phrases to use in the future as they sound like thy may be the kind of relies who have lots of opinions they won't mind sharing!)

ladymuck Wed 31-May-06 12:42:21

I wonder if they're in fact worried about you, rather than your baby? I'd have gone nuts if I only saw friends once a fortnight. A 10month old isprobably far too young for "socialising" with other babies, but what do you do with your time?

jaylou Wed 31-May-06 12:44:28

thanks chaps. was starting to get very peed off with it then doubt creeps in. am not very confident in new situations and want him to be more confident than me but still think he's still very young too.

jaylou Wed 31-May-06 12:46:08

basically i feed him try to get him to sleep/get fresh air/play with him. the usual stuff but time just flies dont you think?

poppiesinaline Wed 31-May-06 12:55:17

You are doing just fine jaylou. Tell them they can take him to toddler groups if they are that concerned . I loathe toddler groups - all those crying babies/toddlers spreading all those colds with all those mothers chatting endlessly about nappies and lack of sleep.. groan....

I only take mine when they are toddling and seem to be getting bored of being at home so much if I cant find anything else to do. So my older two didnt go to toddler groups very much and they are both 'normal' and can socialise normally. I wouldnt worry. But just make sure that you are happy with the amount of time you are getting out. I think its more about you not becoming housebound and lonely.

jaylou Wed 31-May-06 12:58:05

to be honest they would if they lived closer. didnt actually think about it being about me. hmmm...

cloudberry Wed 31-May-06 13:17:34

Jaylou, My dh has been saying exactly the same things as your lot have to you, pretty well from the time she was about 6 months old. I tried a few but really didn't enjoy them. I think we sound quite similar, I'm not hugely confident in new situations either and don't want either dd or ds (who's only 8 weeks old!!) to be like me.

I've got this fab Australian baby book that says that until they're about 2, toddlers/babies don't get much out of these sorts of things except for very short periods of time. The most important thing for them to be with their parents - all about security and trust and love.

However, I'm now aware that dd (she's 18 months) needs to do more than sit at home as she definitely gets bored; and with 2 now, I need to be doing stuff to fill the day, or part of the day, otherwise I'll go bonkers. I think you'll find that suddenly the time comes when you know when your ds is properly ready to go to groups and hopefully you'll find you are as well. For me, I feel not so awkward about going because I'm doing it for dd and know that she'll enjoy getting out.I don't know whether that makes sense at all, but I so know how you feel! God who needs more pressure and more guilt ....I do a brilliant job of that all by myself, don't need any extra help thank you very much!!

jaylou Wed 31-May-06 13:37:00

thanks cloudberry. we do sound very similar but im only just in the planning stages of number 2! so, the general view is if we're happy, go with it and i'll know when the time is right. and you're all so right about the guilt/pressure thing.

eggybreadandbeans Wed 31-May-06 15:10:49

Jaylou, you sound just find to me. Bloody in-laws, who needs them? (Well, we do for babysitting .)

Agree with all the previous posts. I hate forced group situations - like M&T groups - where you're expected to gel with a load of loud women you'd have nothing to do with if you didn't have a kid.

And everyone's different: some people like big, loud social situations, and others - like me, and probably you - thrive on mixing in small groups of people, or one-to-one. That's just personality differences, and it's absolutely OK; part of life's rich pattern, and what stops us all from being boringly similar.

My ds in now almost two. In our old house, we used to go to the village M&T group sometimes, but I never really felt at ease with it. Now we've moved, we've got locals pressuring us to go to the one in this village? Why?! It's just not our thing.

There are about four/five other mums with little ones who we see regularly, and who've become friends. We see them just one at a time, at each other's houses; the kids play, we chat, and it's easy and comfortable. And all grandparents are local, so we see them a lot too. This all works out great. Definitely agree with previous poster that little ones need love and security way more than socialising with peers, up until the age of about three. And toddlers don't even play together until they're two or three anyway.

M&T groups and coffee mornings are overrated in my opinion - they really are great for a lot of mums, but they're not compulsory or a necessity.

I think you're doing just fine.

saadia Wed 31-May-06 16:01:35

I really wouldn't worry about your ds meeting new people at this age, I get this kind of advice sometimes too and it does bug me for a while but ultimately I believe that most mothers instinctively know what their children need and if you think your ds is happy then that is enough.

My own ds2 is now 2.3 and as he is probably going to be my last I want to keep him to myself as long as I can especially as he hasn't had as much exclusive time with me as ds1. I do get comments about how he should be at nursery/playgroup but he seems very happy to play with his brother and with me and his dad so I'm not going to rush him.

honeychild Wed 31-May-06 17:07:45

I should just do what feels right for you, jaylou. In past generations there were none of these groups, and everyone developed fine without them (apart from those of us who chat on line instead of in person ). If you're happy the way things are going, that's brilliant. You can always talk enthusiastically to dh and in-laws about the most recent visits with friends so they feel satisfied he's socialising. Keep up the good work.

Elibean Wed 31-May-06 17:14:15

I think baby/toddler groups for the not yet crawlers are more for the benefit of the Mums (those who like them and want to meet other Mums/get out of the house) than the babies. I took dd to swimming classes which I loathed (so did she) from 4-7 months, then realized I was only doing it because I felt pressured by other women and quit: dd now 2.5 loves going swimming, clearly doing ok despite NOT going to aquableedingtots! Now I'm pg with #2, I can't believe I let myself be pressured like that...I did just feel so 'new' at it all... Do what feels right for you, by all means!

MrsBigD Wed 31-May-06 17:15:06

jaylou, I wouldn't worry just yet and tell dh & co if they're so worried they can take ds to groups and you get some rest

If you're happy with the situation don't change it

I took dd to action kids and baby groups from 8 months partially for my own sanity especially on rainy days so I could get out of the house, as she was a very demanding baby. With ds I waited till he could crawl though, otherwise what's the point. Saying that we've got a group in the park and in summer they've got all the toys out so we don't have to go and get a Littl Tykes car and the like

jaylou Thu 01-Jun-06 09:28:48

wow didnt expect this much response. thanks a bunch for the reassurance. hope i can do the same for you guys sometime.

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