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What should I do? Concerned about ex-h's care of dd

(17 Posts)
BonyM Tue 30-May-06 15:56:48

DD1 (8) flew out to Greece with her aunt and uncle yesterday morning to attend the wedding of her birth father.

I spoke to her this morning and asked her what she did yesterday. She said that "all the girls had a night out". I asked if this meant ex-h's fiancee and her friends and dd said yes, but that she had gone along as well and that they hadn't got back to the house until 1am! This is itself is bad enough, but on top of this she had been up at 3am that morning to get to the airport to catch an early flight, and had been travelling all day, not arriving at the place they are staying at until after 6pm.

In addition, she has told me that she is not staying with her prospective step-mother tonight (which is what said p s-m had told me) but is staying with friends of the p s-m who I don't know.

I am really unhappy about this whole situation, but don't know whether there is any point is saying anything to ex-h or his fiancee as I don't believe it will actually change the way they behave.

Am I over-reacting? I just think their behaviour with her is totally irresponsible and not sure how to approach the situation.

lanismum Tue 30-May-06 16:09:44

the lack of sleep wouldnt bother me too much, its them that will have to deal with a tired miserable 8 year old, but the part about her staying with complete strangers would make me very angry, why is she not staying with her aunt and uncle? can you not ring them and ask if it would be ok for her to stay with them instead? i dont think you are over-reacting, i would be really angry and worried.

serenity Tue 30-May-06 16:17:10

Could it be that her aunt and uncle are staying with these friends too, and so she's not been left with strangers? How does she sound about it?

BonyM Tue 30-May-06 16:23:18

Aunt and Uncle are not staying with these friends. Dd has met the friends before (they are the parents of the other bridesmaid) but I don't know them and tbh am not 100% comfortable about people I don't know having responsibility for my daughter.

BonyM Tue 30-May-06 16:24:17

DD sounds happy enough btw.

FloatingOnTheMed Tue 30-May-06 17:35:16

i would be angry & panicky but then i'm a big worrier, it might be that she's absolutely fine.

And yes, why is she not staying with aunt & uncle?

BonyM Tue 30-May-06 17:47:34

Have spoken to dd who is now at the apartment of these friends. She seems happy enough to be staying there. Am annoyed though that the fiancee had told me that she would be staying with her tonight.

I have tried to contact the aunt and uncle (who I like and am on good terms with) but both their phones are unreachable.

Dh couldn't sleep last night for worrying about her, and this was before we knew about all this.

Apparently dd has been told that they will all be staying up all night tomorrow (the day of the wedding). Maybe I worry too much, but just think that an 8 year needs her sleep, and whilst I'm not averse to the odd late night, this seems a bit excessive.

Hattie05 Tue 30-May-06 17:58:44

I'd feel the same as you about staying with people you don't know, but as you say, there is probably not much you can do, except perhaps express your wishes clearly for a trip in the future.

As for late nights - don't worry about that your dd is probably enjoying it and it is a holiday after all.

Freckle Tue 30-May-06 18:05:31

I suppose it depends on ex-h's relationship with dd. Has he been very involved in her life so far? If he has a very close relationship with her, it is highly unlikely that he would entrust her to the care of people whom he didn't trust. I'm not suggesting that fathers who do not have much involvement with their children's lives would leave them in the care of untrustworthy people, but perhaps they have a lesser awareness of the child's needs.

I think, in these circumstances, that you have to trust your child's father to do what he feels is right for her.

FioFio Tue 30-May-06 18:07:40

Message deleted

PollyLogos Tue 30-May-06 18:51:00

Hi BonyM, I understand how you are worried it is really hard when your children are away from you!

I'm in greece but doubt if there's anything practical I could do to help? Have you ever been to a wedding here? They are always in the evening so do tend to go on very late. DD will have a wonderful time I am sure, she will be well looked after and probably spoiled to bits.If its an orthodox wedding I'm sure she will love it as it is so different to protestant/RC weddings.

When you speak to her and the aunt and uncle encourage her to sleep in the afternoon before the wedding. A good long sleep from 2-5.00pm will give her plenty of energy for the evening and has the added bonus of missing out all the midday heat!

I am sorry that they changed where she is staying that would bother me too but Greeks are great with kids (and they worry about them a lot too) so I am sure they will take extra-special care of her.

Caligula Tue 30-May-06 19:21:36

I'd be sick with worry about my child staying with strangers in a foreign country, but hey, I think in these post-modern times there's not a lot you can do about it. Except not let her go again until you're sure she's old enough to look after herself.

Are the people she is staying with really good friends of your xh? Does he know them really well? Does he know your DD really well?

TheLadyVanishes Tue 30-May-06 20:07:59

I think its quite the norm over there that kids stay up late but i wouldn't be happy that about my child staying with strangers, have a word with your ex and voice your concerns

BonyM Tue 30-May-06 20:48:11

Thanks for the replies, and thanks Pollylogos for the reassurance. Thinking logically, I am sure she will be fine as the people she is with have a 5 year old daughter so (hopefully) will be responsible. They are very good friends of ex-h's fiancee.

I guess the main problem is that I find it very hard not knowing who she is with or what she is doing - at 8 she is still very young.

Ex-h loves her, I know, and I trust him with her, but he is a bit hopeless and I get the impression that his fiancee calls all the shots. It's always her who makes arrangements for them to have her.

We gave her dh's old mobile phone to take with her so that we could stay in touch but tbh I'm now thinking it might have been a bad idea as we'd probably worry less if we didn't know what was going on!

bluejelly Tue 30-May-06 20:55:05

Have spent a lot of time in Greece and without meaning to stereotype they are almost without exception incredibly nice to children, very caring and warm.
My dd (6) was invited to a party in the village we stayed in earlier this year. She can't string a sentence together in Greek, and none of them could speak english.
I left her there for the evening and she loved it!
It's totally normal to worry ( I often do when my dd goes somewhere new with my ex) but she has always come back fine....
HTH

BonyM Tue 30-May-06 21:13:07

Thanks bluejelly. I will let dh read this thread and then perhaps he will get some sleep tonight!

PollyLogos Mon 05-Jun-06 09:26:53

BonyM is your dd back yet? I do hope that everything went well and that she had a great time

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