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*Help* Feeling like a crap mum

(10 Posts)
draggedthrooabush Sun 28-May-06 23:04:40

Ever since having ds2(7months) I feel guilty about the lack of time I have to spend with ds1(2yr 10mnth) I feel he is watching far too much tv especially in the morning when there is so much to do! I know probably every mother has this guilty feeling but I didnt expect to feel like this all the time. If i'm doing things with the baby i worry he's feeling left out and if i'm spending time with him I worry about the baby as i'm sure no1 got much more attention at the same age. Then theres the housework debate How do you fit it all in! When i have to do housework during the day I feel guilty about neglecting them both! But i'm fed up doing loads in the evening and not sitting down until 9ish. Does anyone have any tips about being a mum of 2? When do you stop feeling guilty? How can you keep them occupied without resorting to the tv without which my eldests constant warcry is "Mummy can you play with me please?"(sad)

PinkTulips Sun 28-May-06 23:53:32

no tips sweetie, i'm only 30 weeks with no.2, just didn't want you to feel like no-one was listening

i'm sure your doing a fantastic job, the fact that your worried shows that

hope someone has some more specific advice for you soon

fransmom Mon 29-May-06 13:03:13

i'm not a mom of 2 but am a mom. perhaps when you are doing things with ds2, then ds1 could help you? it might help him to feel that he's spending time with you then. perhaps when ds2 is asleep, then he could have special time with you then.

i saw something a poem a while ago, not sure if you will like it or not but here goes:
"hush, dust and cobwebs, housework go to sleep.
i'm loving my baby and babies don't keep."

i'm not saying that you should leave it totally but maybe just do bits here and there to keep on top of things. i don't wish to seem rude but is there a dad or babysitter about? maybe they could look after them for you while you blitz the housework / or REST? (((((hugs)))))

fransmom Mon 29-May-06 13:06:02

ps meant to say that YOU'RE NOT A CRAP MUM, you're just doing the best you can with what you have. don't put yourself down, i know it's easy to say (and i am guilty of this too) but my attitude is that there are plenty of people willing to put you down. turn your noseup at them and say you're not in my situation so go away ( i can't say what i would normally say there! )

draggedthrooabush Mon 29-May-06 13:30:34

Think I was just having a bad day yesterday! Thanks for advice & support. I'm very lucky in the respect that I have a fantastic husband who works shifts and depending on his rota is around during the day to help out with the boys alot but he has just done a night shift weekend and i was feeling v. tired and sorry for myself. Loved the poem by the way! Used to get lots of advice like that with Ds 1 i.e "the ironing can wait. What will your children remember: having ironed clothes and a tidy house or a mum who had time for them?" Its just hard work being a full time mum with 2 under 3 but completely blissful at times and I know I should thank my lucky stars because there are lots of people who would love to be in my position with 2 gorgeous wee boys. How great would a cleaner be though?

CKMUM Mon 29-May-06 14:41:06

my midwife said parenting is all about feeling guilty.

I have a 2 year 4 month old and a 14 month old. I am sorry you are feeling like this but was also relieved to read this as I now know I am not the onbly mother to feel this way.

I have said exactly the same, that i feel both children are neglected. I used to wonder why single parents said life wsa hard, i thought it was easy being a single mum but then my second came along and I needed someone with me constantly to help and i still do!

I keep thinking poor children, when C was this age I was doing this with her, doing taht with her, spending so much time with her and now I dont have time to do these things with her and dont have time to do them with K either. And then I spend ages doing housewrork, then sit down and play with the them and then realize the place is a pigsty and its hard to find the right balance.

Not much advice but you are so not alone!

draggedthrooabush Mon 29-May-06 20:09:41

Thanks CKMUM make me feel normal. Sometimes you dont like to admit your 'Failings' imagined or not to your friends and family so its nice to chat in this way. So on your wave length regarding single mum comment. must say I take my hat of to any single mum you all deserve a medal as being a mum is the hardest job in the world and to do it all is an achievement.

puddingz Mon 29-May-06 21:32:27

Hi draggedthrooabush, Before having no.2 I couldn't understand why 1+ mums always guilt tripped, but boy oh boy do I know now!!. My ds (6yo) is a gorgeous little bundle but having his sister (5 mths)has had an effect on me. The lack of time and energy I have is unbelieveable. My only nugget of advice I can give to to you is to give ds1 'special time' everyday, 10 minutes is good but if you find you can give more - go for it. It doesn't sound like much but my ds1 looks forward to his special time every day. It helps me to remember to give him some time and hopefully give him some unstresed moments! I don't think the guilt will ever go away but if you didn't feel guilty then something would really be wrong

Xavielli Mon 29-May-06 21:47:47

I agree that with the second baby comes a whole extra bundle of guilt.

Even when I was pg with DD I felt so guilty because DS was only a baby still and when she was born he was 16months.

I find that he is more demanding than a newborn ( atleast she can sit still for 5 mins and keep her fingers out of the bloody DVD play for 5 mins!) so I spend most of my time playing or fetching things for him so Dd is a little neglected, It is getting easier as he likes to cuddle her on my lap so I get to sit down with them both at the same time.

As for the housework thing... as soon as DP gets in from work we eat and then he gets locked in the living room with the babies (TeeHee ) and I get on with getting the sitting room back to normal, put wash on and so forth. then we all have a mad half hour before bed. (I admire anyone who can fit in a story before bed with 2 under 18months and a house to clean!)

When DS is in bed I put the toys away and sort the living room so I can sit down with DP for about an hour max before I remember there are still bottles to wash and so forth!! by the time I have done that all I want to do is bathe and go to bed.

So, in my own experience there simply isnt enough of me to go around everyone but by doing the best I can they all atleast get a bit! Don't beat yourself up about it.... I know when DD (in your case DS2) is up and about they will occupy each other and the time we spend with them together will be of a much higher quality!

happypiglet Tue 30-May-06 14:26:08

I too beat myself up all the time. When DS2 (9m) came along I carried on as normal for DS1 (2.4) dragging my new born to swimming pools and toddler groups and music sessions etc to keep DS1's routine 'as normal as possible' Like all the books say. And then DS2 woke up and needed to do more than doze in a car seat and it all went to pot. So now I am guilty that I don't do all those things with DS1 and that DS2 has nver done them (he has been swimming twice in 9m!!)

But then DS1 seems happy pottering round the house an din the garden and the boys adore each other. My main tip is to get them involved in house work My DS1 loves hoovering and 'washing up' and I do what I have to do around them- and bonus they think its playing with them!!

The other thing I tell myself to make me feel better is that DS1 had me all to himslef for 19m (how lucky was he) and DS2 knows no better..... its some conselation....

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