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Happy with one?

(18 Posts)
Ovidiandreams Thu 23-May-13 22:20:43

I know this isn't a decision anyone else can make for me but I am agonising over whether to have a number two. After a traumatic birth and pretty awful first few months I vowed never to have another and even sold all the baby stuff.

DD1 is now almost two and I am wondering what to do. No part of me wants to go through the whole pregnancy/labour/newborn bit again. I feel like I am just getting back to normal. DD1 is a delight and life is pretty easy and calm now. I worry that I won't be able to cope with two and that it will change my relationship with DD1. However for her sake I feel I should give her a sibling. Any thoughts?

SuperDuperTrooper Thu 23-May-13 22:35:21

I've been agonising over this too. My DS is 17 months and I too had a horrendous first few months. Even now I have episodes where I feel I can't cope. Pregnancy and labour were ok for me but I have found motherhood very very hard.

I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that I will stick with one. There's not really a part of me that wants another child. It would simply be for my DS to have a sibling and I'm not sure that's enough. When I think back to how stressed I have been with just one I'm honestly not sure i could handle 2.

You seem to be quite content with your life now so perhaps you'd have a better time of it knowing that things really do get easier. Even though things have got easier for me they still aren't easy enough to feel able to have another. Still I haven't thrown out all the baby things yet for some reason.....

melen Thu 23-May-13 22:39:17

I understand how hard it must be...I was in a similar situation and we decided not to go for number 2! The decision is yours as you will have to do all the hard work. I am the only child myself and I don't like it. I would have loved to have 2 but I couldn't face it. Also, I don't have family or friends close to me and this makes having a baby harder. You don't have to hurry just think about it thoroughly! In addition, you may find it difficult the first few years but think that it won't be like this for ever.

MoelFammau Thu 23-May-13 22:53:43

I only have 1. Traumatic birth combined with the fact I'm really not a baby person. Now that DD is 2, I'm finding everything so much more fun.

I think if I was to add to my family, I'd adopt. But that's a distant dream at the moment.

I do think the 2 year gap a strange choice. It seems a popular one (my sister and all of her friends have gone for the 2 year gap) and they're now all struggling with toddlers who still need pushchairs and nappies, plus newborns. I think I'd want at least a 4 year gap. I had a 4 year gap with my sister and it worked fine.

resipsa Thu 23-May-13 23:03:41

Life's funny. I'm the opposite in a way in that I'm desperate for no.2 but it'll probably never happen as I'm too old. My delivery wasn't great and I had mild PND but the thought of never being "Mummy" again pains me immeasurably. I say it's for DD to have a sibling but really it's about me. I have a sister who is 1.10 years older and we have never been close so I can't kid myself that it would necessarily be different if I had another.

maman2012 Thu 23-May-13 23:03:57

I understand it must have been an unpleasant experience for you but don't let it put you off having a second child. Your 1st one will soon feel lonely & bored.
Having a second child bring more happiness to the home and it doesn't really get harder just think of it as by the time you give birth, your 1st one will be going to nursery and by the time your 2nd will go to nursery your 1st will be starting primary... They really do look after each other... Good luck and don't leave it for long, this is a good gap. By the way I have 3 kids, opened my business when my 1st one was 14 months, had my 2nd 4 years later and my 3rd, 10 months ago at 41+.
have no family around and It has been very hard but my kids bring me joy & happiness. Best of luck

AntoinetteCosway Thu 23-May-13 23:09:02

I could have written your OP word for word. I wish I knew the answer!

MoonlightandRoses Thu 23-May-13 23:23:55

Yes, but that's me, not you. You need to sit down and work out pros and cons - difficult birth first time, doesn't mean difficult second time. Not finding it easy first time, doesn't mean it won't be easier second time - second child won't be the same as the first either.

Sorry, probably not much help, but I think this is something you need to figure out for yourself/with your partner - while everyone on here can explain how it was for them that's not an indication of how it may be for you.

My only 'advice' would be to consider whether you really don't want another child, or whether it's actually that, although you're nervous at making the decision, deep down, you'd like to find a reason to say 'yes, let's have a second one'.

nancy75 Thu 23-May-13 23:29:25

I have an only child, she is 8 and neither lonely or bored. Having just one means we have the time energy and money to do everything we want with her.
My reasons for only having 1 were quite different to your, I had a dream pregnancy and non eventful birth. It is a decision we made for our family and it has worked for us, but everyone is different.

Ovidiandreams Fri 24-May-13 09:09:35

Thanks for your replies everyone! It is good to know that I am not the only one with this dilemma. All the friends I made when I was pregnant are now having number two so it makes me feel that it is the 'done' thing. Good to hear other opinions!

Rockchick1984 Fri 24-May-13 09:21:36

I am an only child and was never lonely or bored - I loved it! Although I wasn't spoilt, I generally had more than friends whose families (I now know) had similar household incomes, rarely had hand-me-downs, had 100% of my parents attention. I would have hated to have any siblings, so please don't feel that your child necessarily will be happier with a brother or sister!

AMumInScotland Fri 24-May-13 09:56:13

I'd second what MoonlightAndRoses says - see if you can work out whether you actually want a second child but are worried about the issues you had first time around, or if you really don't feel any need/want to have another and only feel bad because society tells you that you "ought" to have a second.

DS is an only. He wasn't lonely or bored. We made sure he had a group of children he spent time with, and had a meaningful connection with, so I don't think he missed out on having a sibling.

If, deep down, you want another child, then I think you have to work through the practicalities in your head and think up strategies. But if you don't, then don't feel you have to just because it seems to be the norm.

quickchat Fri 24-May-13 10:26:31

I agree that it doesn't necessarily mean your D would in any way miss out. I truly believe in what you don't know you don't miss.
I had a brother 5 years older than me. He was always insanely jealous of me but I now realise my mum had him too young and didn't really bond with him and here was definitely differences in way he a brought up to me.

That is a separate issue but it meant we never played together and were never close at all. I have no memory of being around him unless he was just being horrible to me. I never once felt lonely, I had friends. I never wished for a sister closer in age, or brother.

Now as an adult I would love a sister!! My parents split, dad doesn't keep in touch my brother moved away and never keeps in touch and my mum is hard work although I love her obviously. It would be nice to have a proper family.

Now I have a 6 yr old DS a 3.5 yr old DD and a 9 month old DS.

I had an awful pregnancy and very dramatic birth with DS and vowed not to have another. I was very happy with my perfect little boy.

However, like you, when he got to near 2 I started having all the same thoughts. I also thought about how I felt a little alone without a proper family around.

I 'kind of' tried half hearted once and fell pg right away. God did I worry the whole PG about the PG and birth and had I done the right thing?
It was perfect and I got my beautiful little girl at the end of it. I felt guilty at first about my DS missing my full attention but everyone does no matter the age gap or circumstances.

I watch them running around all day playing imaginary games and really hearty laughing coming from their bedrooms upstairs. I could not have provided that kind of companionship for him. Im rubbish at power rangers verses princesses!

Of course they argue at times but it's all part of it, they are very very close.

A few days ago at the zoo I watched him with his arm around her stroking her hair while she was eating her ice cream, so cute!

I then had a surprise baby 9 months ago. I again worried sick about lack of attention, PG and birth and how the baby might change dynamics.

He was born very easily after one hour! I did bleed but all good in the end.

The two of them LOVE their baby brother and it's so nice to see the excitement in them and him when they are all together.

It makes me shudder when I think I could have very easily have just stuck to DS on his own. We'd be none the wiser but it's definitely better.

Now I just worry that DD hasn't got a sister!! wink. - No energy left in me though!

quickchat Fri 24-May-13 10:34:15

I have to add (oh yes, there's more)! Im not one of these energetic supermums of 3+. Im not a coper by nature and im a constant worrier.
I needed to add that because OP may feel im just a hippy who loves popping out children - so not the case! I have no idea how the hell I went from 1-3 but im surprisingly glad I did.

Go on - surprise yourself grin. First births are most definitely the worst.

Notsoyummymummy1 Fri 24-May-13 16:39:54

I think every child should be wanted in their own right not just as a sibling to another child. If you don't want one don't have one. A happy mummy is the best thing your child can have. I plan to stick with one for the same reasons and the three brightest and most well adjusted children I know are all "only" children!

Chislemum Fri 24-May-13 16:51:22

Oh dear, so glad I have read this. My DS was born last August when I was 39 (old mother!); I am 40 and was previously told couldn't have babies so DS was delight and miracle. Everyone tells me I should be pleased with one but I too think, DS needs a sibling and love being a mum.What's right, what's wrong. Notsoyummy's post is a good one. Makes me think!

quickchat Fri 24-May-13 19:53:15

I still agree that your children will not know any different from what they have and not miss what they don't know so there is nothing to worry about if you have one.

I don't agree that it means they will be more bright and well adjusted if they are on their own! This down to upbringing, genetics etc. Im sure there has been the odd genius with lots of siblings!

You will never have a child who will ramain 'just a sibling' for the older one.
It may amaze but you actually love your second as much as the first - sometimes more wink!!

When they first enter the world you do feel guilty about the first, this is natural. It is natural to believe that you could never love any child like the first. Then along comes #2 and as time goes by you feel the same. When I had number 3 I thought I couldn't love him as much as number 2 and im sure the same would happen again and again.

Notsoyummymummy1 Fri 24-May-13 21:03:57

Just to clarify I didn't mean that being an only child makes you bright and well adjusted I was just making the point that having a sibling isn't essential. Also I didn't mean that a second child wouldn't be loved - just that it is better to genuinely want a child if you decide to have one because it is the hardest job in the world and even harder if you start with a sense of duty rather than a real desire for it.

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