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I'm so b****y useless

(23 Posts)
CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:11:08

I am always struggling to look after my children on my own and is am so crap at ebing a single mum bit I'm just getting worse and worse and I have just lost it with my eldest. They should live with someone else, i will neevr be able to give them the life they desrve

cadbury Mon 22-May-06 18:14:11

Hey, don't beat yourself up - you are doing a really hard job with little thanks (I dare say). I've been shouting at my eldest for the last several days - she just can't do anything right in my eyes and I know I'm being nasty, but we can't be super mums all the time. I'm sure this won't affect them. Shall we both go and give our eldests a cuddle?

Serendippity Mon 22-May-06 18:15:39

What happened?
I feel like loosing it with dd sometimes-she's only two and i'm not a single parent! I'm much worse than you

Be kind to yourself, i'm sure you're doing brilliantly.

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:16:02

my eldest is probably scared of me, she'll probably rn away if i go near her

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:17:35

i shouted at her and really upset her, shes only 2 and 4 months

cadbury Mon 22-May-06 18:18:05

how old is she?
Can you siddle up to her with some chocolate - always works with me.

cadbury Mon 22-May-06 18:18:33

crossed posts

SSSandy Mon 22-May-06 18:19:00

Cuddle and stroke her head, tell her you love her and make it up. She won't hold it against you.

How old are the other kids?

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:20:33

my others one 14 months

Serendippity Mon 22-May-06 18:26:31

CKMUM- It happens. Believe me, i have lost my temper with dd before- especialy when she becomes temporarily deaf and ignores me when i'm asking her to: stop opening the DVD player and attempting to feed it sandwhiches, hold my hand on a busy road etc. I've lost my temper when i shouldn't have and lost it to quickly as well. We all do it. Dd doesn't hold it against me. A Cuddle followed by a story ususaly does the trick. I'm not saying it's ideal to loose your temper with a 2 year old...but humans are not ideal.
Take it easy on yourself.

SSSandy Mon 22-May-06 18:31:14

No wonder you're worn out, one is tantrum age and the other is still utterly dependent on you. It honestly does get easier. A 3-4 year old is suddenly someone you can really talk to and I found dd became a real little friend to me from that age. Now she's nearly 6 and it is honestly a piece of cake now.

It's very very hard doing everything on your own but kids don't want an easy life, honestly they want their mum.

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:38:33

i was awful though, i always am

SSSandy Mon 22-May-06 18:49:18

What provoked you?

I read somewhere the advice to give kids a bit of advance warning when you want them to do things. They need a little time to adjust to having to stop playing and come and eat, or finish up what they're doing because it's time for bed etc. So I'd say "It's nearly time for bed, so you can play for a little bit more then we have to tidy up and get ready for bed".

The other main bit of advice I took on, was to let them know you are about to get annoyed. Advance warning again. So you say something maybe twice "come on, it's time for your bath now". Then you say "it's time for your bath, if I have to tell you again, I'll start to get annoyed/feel angry". After that, mine would RUN to do whatever it was, every time.

A couple of times, she'd ask "are you angry already mummy?" and I'd say, "no, not yet but I will get angry if I need to tell you again." Worked like magic for us. I've never had to shout at her to do anything or punish her for not doing anything. Thing is though, you have to speak loudly and clearly but with a nice friendly voice. If you sound annoyed or angry already when you're saying it, there's no incentive for the child to do what you're saying.

Another little trick I use is to let them bargain a bit. I quite like it when they make an attempt (can I have 3 not 1?), so I'll make a great show of considering it and then tell dd I think that sounds reasonable. Let them think they have something to say, just a little hint of power where it isn't important. Then they don't feel as much urge to fight you all the time.

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:56:04

she kept trying to open oven door while i was cooking and put her head in hot oven, then she opened tumble dryer and slung all the clothes over the kitchen floor which i was trying to find time to mop so was filthy even though I had scruibbed it last night, she kept opening cupboard doors then shutting them on her sisters head, she got packet of porridge oats and chucked them on the floor, she kept hitting hr sister and pushing her away.

If only i could fit cupbaord accahed but cant put them on my cupboards

CKMUM Mon 22-May-06 18:56:45

that should say cupboard catches

SSSandy Mon 22-May-06 19:01:05

Strewth! I don't think you over-reacted.

If you set her up with an activity when you need to work in the kitchen, will she sit still and get on with it or does she have a short attention span?

CKMUM Tue 23-May-06 07:14:45

no i have tried sitting her up at the didning table with play dough, colourig etc she just gets down and annoys me!

I can't believe i can be horrible to such a wondeful little person. Last night she came up to me cuddled me really tightly and gave me 14 kisses! Then lifted my top up and put her singing Noddy up there for a breast feed!

carol3 Tue 23-May-06 07:28:58

Don't beat yourself up we all lose it sometimes, i think its really important to make up afterwards and say sorry for shouting and have a cuddle. BTW I used to have one cupboard in the kitchen which only had plastic plates cups ect which they knew they could play in with which helps a bit. Hope things improve x you'll look back and laugh at her antics in a few months .

milge Tue 23-May-06 07:35:53

god, I would have definitely lost it too, one of mine behaved like that. I find the advanced warning does work eventually, and ds now 3.5 has suddenly become sensible. There is light at the end of the tunnel and please don't beat yourself up, I doubt that there is anyone on here who hasn't, single parent or not. You're not useless and one shouting incident does not ruin your parenting skilss.

bourneville Tue 23-May-06 07:38:03

lol ckmum, sorry, made me grin. it sounds like perfectly normal 2 yo behaviour to me! It is always when we are trying to get on with something else that they cause trouble, isn't it? It sounds to me in that situation you just need some preventative measures - as you say, eg catches for the cupboard doors or a gate for the doorway? Then she simply won't cause havoc in the kitchen!

I discovered that involving dd in what i was doing helped. You'll need extra time to cook (and i'm assuming the 14 mo is happy at your feet or occupied with something else of course). My dd is a pretty calm toddler tbh so she sometimes sits on the worktop while i cook, but when she used to be a handful when i was cooking (and also as incentive to get her to eat different foods) I started letting her help me chop or put veg in the saucepans etc etc . it worked like a dream. Or stand her on a chair to "do" the washing up next to you? dd loves playing with a bowl or sink full of water & various cups/utensils etc.

oh btw re SSS post. what she says about prior warning is so, so true, but i don't use the "i'll get angry" approach, i'm not sure that would be enough for my dd (she's 2.9 btw). There is always a consequence for her behaviour - Time Out for really bad behaviour or no bedtime story if she doesn't help tidy up, etc etc. She gets a warning and "I'll count to 3" and as SSS says she runs to it usually as soon as I say "1"!
If you haven't done anything like that before, it'll be a few times of following through before she'll get the message. And speak with actions too- eg when you were in the kitchen if dd had carried on messing around with cupboards etc, i would have taken her out of the kitchen and put her in the living room/her room etc just to show her i meant her to stop (though i know it's unlikely she'd stay there!)

hermykne Tue 23-May-06 07:46:36

ckmum do u think she is too young for a simple star chart. ie a red sticker for sticking her head in the oven and a gold star if she plays with play dough. she might get the jist and help reasssure your parenting skills.
if u have them all the time then its hard . wy dot you start afresh with a new outlook and work with her, praise when shes good, be firm when shes not, and maybe things will get better for u both.
hth, she loves you and you love her, its just exhausting minding two and a wee time out would be nice but not always possible,

bourneville Tue 23-May-06 07:48:16

oh and nothing wrong with sticking on a dvd if you need to do the cooking, i quite often do that too!

Raggydoll Tue 23-May-06 07:56:42

ds (2.5) does that kind of behaviour when he is attention seeking and he is most attention seeking if he is hungry or tired (or worse both!). if i give him a snack like a banana or piece of bread and butter he usually much calmer afterwoods.

i am a very calm person even in the most difficult circs yet if ds does certain things (that he knows wind me up ) I can totally lose it in the blink of an eye. also the days that seem like constant whining grind you down don't they .

i guess my advice is to make sure you all get plenty of sleep and the lo eats regulary to stop those dips in energy resulting in irritability for both of you . hth

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