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What to do with the rings

(11 Posts)
cherrybakewall Thu 16-May-13 07:46:44

This is not a burning question but I would appreciate thoughts.

DH and I have been together 12 years.

My DH split from his exDW 13 years ago when their DD was 5. ExDw gave her wedding and engagement rings to DH in a brown envelope with a request that they are given to DD on her 18th birthday. Split was not amicable and affected DD in particular quite badly. Her 18th birthday is coming up in a few months and I am starting to wonder if giving her the rings is such a good idea. It may well stir up old feelings and remind her of things that she may not wish to remember on a day that is meant to be a celebration. It also seems odd to me that exDW wants DH to give the rings rather than herself. My thought is to give DD the rings when she is 18 as mother wished but not necessarily to do it on her actual birthday. Or to ask exDW if she still wants us to do this. It's possible she has forgotten although I know she has a good memory - she is a bit odd and still sends DH "anniversary" cards on what "would have been" their 10th wedding anniversary etc.

Any thoughts?

SavoyCabbage Thu 16-May-13 08:01:19

Surely she didn't mean it must be done on her actual birthday. I wouldn't be organised enough for a start.

perplexedpirate Thu 16-May-13 08:05:28

They aren't really your rings to decide what to do with. (Grammar??)
I would leave it entirely in DH's hands and if I were him I would give them back to ex W to do with as she wishes.

cherrybakewall Thu 16-May-13 12:45:45

I know they're not my rings but if I leave it for DH to deal with he will lose them. It's only chance that I found them languishing in a drawer when we moved in together. They almost got thrown out then. They currently reside in the bottom of my jewellery box for safekeeping. I asked DH what he wanted to do with them and he said "Chuck them in the bin as far as I'm concerned. They're not worth anything" so he's not much help. He doesn't want to give them to exW because it will just stir up bad memories and probably cause a row. And he's not bothered about giving them to his DD because as he's pointed out she'll probably lose them within a fortnight. I think I'll just get him to give them to DD on the first occasion he sees her after her 18th birthday

quietlysuggests Thu 16-May-13 13:34:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meditrina Thu 16-May-13 13:40:53

I think you should offer DSD the rings.

But perhaps not on the birthday itself, if you are concerned about the impact on the day. And I wouldn't just give them to her. I'd say (or have DH say) perhaps the day after her birthday, that at her mother's request, these rings were kept for her and ask her, now she is legally an adult, what would she like done with them.

AMumInScotland Thu 16-May-13 13:57:46

Does DD mainly live with her mother then? Why did the rings go back to your DH then? As I was reading I assumed that the daughter lived mainly with you and hardly saw her mother, else why the complication with the rings?

I certainly wouldn't give them on the day, but would probably mention them at some convenient time afterwards along the lines of what Medetrina said.

But will her mother be banging on about them on the day?

SecrectFarleysNibbler Fri 17-May-13 11:06:05

How odd! This marriage is long over! The rings have really lost the significance they were supposed to represent - love forever no matter what..... so a bit strange for the mother to want someone else to give these to your daughter on a day that should be all about celebrating her entrance into adult hood!( unless it is a calculated grenade to gain a nasty bit of revenge or attention!!) I think giving her these rings at this time is very unfair and could potentially spoil her special day.

As the event is coming near and I assume that exDW has not been in touch about them I would leave them out of the equation. I think it is up to your husband to deal with all this at a later date.

I don't know what your stepdaughters relationship is with her mum but to receive the rings of my parents broken marriage on my 18th would royally piss me off!

Kafri Fri 17-May-13 14:13:58

In all honesty I would be steering well clear of this one...

You've kept the rings safe for DH and DSD is about to turn 18 so if I were you i'd give them back to DH --with a polite reminder of ExW wishes and leave it to him.
I get the impression that if you give them to DSD and it stirs up trouble - you'll get the blame and if you don't give them to DSD, you'll get the blame - damned if you do, damned if you don't.
If you give them back to DH, then it's in his hands so has to decide what he thinks he should do for the best.

Is it possible that ExW wanted them giving to DD because at that particular time she was feeling sentimental and wanted DD to have something to cherish from DM & DD, or indeed was she feeling bitter and wanted DD to somehow start to hate her DF for leaving her DM. If it's something along those lines, then her DM has probably (you'd hope) moved on a little in the years that have passed and forgotten about them. Either way, i'd keep my distance if I were you. though if she still sends DH anniversary cards then she still sounds a little unhinged wink

specialsubject Fri 17-May-13 21:46:52

give them back to your husband and tell him to raise the subject AFTER the celebrations.

your daughter can then decide what to do and there's no worry about upsetting her on her birthday.

cherrybakewall Sat 18-May-13 09:57:15

Thank you all. We are due to see DD in a couple of weeks (before birthday) so DH is going to mention rings to her and ask what she would like to do with them. To clarify she lives with exW and not us. I guess exW gave them to DH because at the time it was too upsetting to keep them. I don't really know. When I split from exH I just put rings in bottom of jewellery box and made provision in my will to leave them to DS although he could have them sooner for example if he wants to give engagement ring to fiancée ( a la Wills and Kate) but at the mo he is only 13! It would not surprise me if this is a deliberate ploy on exW's part to try and upset DD on her birthday and then she can blame DH with a "Well if you hadn't left this would never have happened" line. He still gets texts saying exactly that 13 years after the event. Got one over Easter. Thanks again everyone. smile

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