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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

reluctant sleepover at Grandparents

25 replies

tj1968 · 07/05/2013 20:25

We have 2 children 7 and 9. Our 9 year old daughter works herself into such a state about going for sleepovers at her grandparents house we have cancelled the last couple. This has been going on for a few years. She tells us it is because she misses being away from me and that is why she doesnt want to go. We have just arranged another one and told her unless she goes we will be stopping all her play times, such as youth club and play dates. Our 7 year old son loves them. Am I being harsh, but I feel that she gets her way with everything all the time and me and her dad could do with some time just the 2 of us.
What would you advise ?

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bakingaddict · 07/05/2013 20:36

Sorry but I just think it is wrong to force your daughter to go and stay somewhere she clearly doesn't want to or enjoy. My DS is similar in that he loves his own home and being with his parents, I couldn't imagine forcing him to go to his GPs. Let your DS go by all means but don't make it an issue for your DD. Cant the GPs come and babysit for you instead

Mrsrobertduvall · 07/05/2013 20:39

Does she go to a friend's house?
Do you think she's genuinely upset or manipulating you?

Sunflowergirl2011 · 07/05/2013 20:41

I agree with baking I'm afraid. Let DS go on his own and/or get them to babysit at your house. And/or could they go over during the day so you can spend time with DH then. I love(d) my grandma dearly and loved spending time with her but used to get dreadfully homesick at bedtime when I was there. day times were fine but not nighttime for some reason!

TrinityRhino · 07/05/2013 20:41

why would you automatically force her instead of thinking about why she doesn't want to?

AnyFucker · 07/05/2013 20:41

Erm, you haven't considered there is a very good reason why she doesn't want to go so vehemently ?

Bluestocking · 07/05/2013 20:43

I agree with Baking too. I would have been utterly miserable at a sleepover with either set of grandparents, even though they were perfectly nice people, if my mum hadn't been there as well. Surely you and your DH get time to yourselves once your children have gone to bed?

Thurlow · 07/05/2013 20:48

I'm a big fan of encouraging your kids to have sleepovers with grandparents, but in this situation I'd want to know why your DD doesn't want to go - is it being without you, is it something about your grandparents, is there a compromise you could reach? Encouraging her to be more independent and spend time away from you is a good goal, but punishing her for something she might genuinely be scared of doesn't sound like the best idea.

Jux · 07/05/2013 21:51

Why doesn't she want to go? It sounds like she is making an excuse which she thinks you will accept, rather than the actual reason. I wouldn't force her, as it'll make her hate it more.

Fairylea · 07/05/2013 21:53

Another one that agrees with baking. Sorry!

Notsoyummymummy1 · 09/05/2013 00:24

Punishments should only be used on bad behaviour not to cruelly force a child into doing something that upsets them just because it would make things more convenient for you. I see absolutely no justification for treating your daughter in this way - find another means of getting time with dh.

Wuldric · 09/05/2013 00:28

I don't understand why you are forcing her to go. She might be being a PITA and she might indeed be always trying to get her own way, but perhaps the way to deal with that is when you are with her, rather than making her go somewhere that makes her unhappy. And yes, absolutely essential to explore the reasons why it makes her unhappy.

NatashaBee · 09/05/2013 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/05/2013 00:35

at this.

AvrilPoisson · 09/05/2013 00:42

How could you force her to do this?
There is obviously a pretty serious reason why she doesn't want to

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/05/2013 00:48

Well you don't know that Avril...but the child doesn't need a reason other than she doesn't want to...that's enough.

BonaDea · 09/05/2013 08:22

Could you all go and stay one time so she can see all is ok?

Lavenderhoney · 09/05/2013 10:27

I am quite shocked you are punishing her for not wanting to go. She isn't upset at you going out is she? She has expressly said she wants to be at home. This is normal surely - home is where people feel safe. And she is only 9!

She has said why, but for some reason you have dismissed her fears as they don't seem valid to you as an adult, plus it doesn't suit you- and are punishing her for having feelings and telling you. She might feel telling you anything in future is pointless, unless it agrees with your viewpoint. She might also begin to doubt her own feelings and reactions.

I am sure your gp or dh won't want her to feel this way, so why don't you just get a babysitter or ask them to sit at your house?

AvrilPoisson · 09/05/2013 21:59

Neo- if it was a 4yo, then yes I'd agree, but a 9yo?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/05/2013 22:03

I have a 9 year old Avril and they can be very dramatic. Not that I am saying the child DOESN'T have a good reason to not want to stay there...quite the opposite. However, your post seemed to be getting at something unsavoury....re the grandparents.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2013 22:08

I think little girls (and boys) should be listened to in situations like this

and yes, I am getting at something "unsavoury"

the vast majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by people in a position of trust, within the family

it's far more likely there is no cause for concern, but I for one would find it very difficult to live with myself if I had a forced a child into those circumstances and punished her when she tried to avoid them in the only way she knew how

usualsuspect · 09/05/2013 22:12

Is this thread for real?

some odd threads about atm.

AvrilPoisson · 09/05/2013 23:33

I didn't actually mean anything abusive (though what AF says is correct- something like 90% of abuse happens within family network), she may have genuine to her reasons for not wanting to, such as not being able to find the bathroom in the dark at night, perhaps the flush is really loud and scares her, perhaps she has anxieties around cleanliness there, maybe they have a dog she's wary of, perhaps the traffic noise outside disturbs her... loads of things that aren't just on a whim meaning she protests, but are serious reasons for her to not want to go.

Perhaps she genuinely does have an anxiety about something happening to her parents while she's away? These things are very real to some of us.

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ClartyCarol · 09/05/2013 23:38

Look, don't make the poor girl go if she doesn't want to. It seems really shitty to actively force her to do this and equally as shitty to come down on her like a ton of bricks if she doesn't go. You really are in the wrong here.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 10/05/2013 08:54

I agree that she definitely shouldn't be made to go...and yes of course DC need to be listened to.

5318008 · 10/05/2013 12:00

she may not be able to articulate why but certainly her wishes to stay at home should be respected and not punished

as Avril has said, there may be something at the house that's odd to a child - a noisy boiler, clanky pipes, etc

and yes, abuse is something to consider and be aware of

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