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Have decided Im actually not a very good Mum

(73 Posts)
losinggriponthings Fri 19-May-06 18:59:06

Anyone else feel they are really not doing well enough?

handlemecarefully Fri 19-May-06 19:01:26

Abso-bloody-lutely, I'm very shite at parenting atm unfortunately. How old are yours?

I have a theory that it will be easier (and thus I will be happier / more tolerant) when they are school age, rather than constantly with me and at me 24:7 (got a 2 year old and 3.10 yr old)

FrannyandZooey Fri 19-May-06 19:03:37

Don't know how best to help but did not want your post to go unanswered. I do sometimes feel like this and think that at times I am probably not a very good mum. However as you have no doubt heard what matters is to be good enough. If you are meeting your child's basic needs I think you are doing quite well.

I also think that being prone to these sorts of thoughts is maybe a sign you tend to be a bit hard on yourself.

Is it anything in particular that makes you feel this way or just a general feeling?

PanicPants Fri 19-May-06 19:05:41

God, feel like this all the time!

Thought this is how you're supposed to feel, you must be doing something wrong if you don't!

blueteddy Fri 19-May-06 19:06:09

Message withdrawn

SaintGeorge Fri 19-May-06 19:07:38

Anyone who even remotely cares if they are parenting well enough is doing just fine in my books.

losinggriponthings Fri 19-May-06 19:07:47

I cant post in detail as they are still up and would hate my very astute 7 yr old to pick up on anything.

I just think that recently the mask is coming off and contrary to what everyone else around me thinks Im actually really shite

I dont seem to be able to have a handle on being organised to get it all done for example sometimes slip into feeding them crapper food than i would like cos i just cant be bothered or too busy etc

it dawned on me the other day that .,.... and im completely ashamed at this. i very rarely get them to brush their teeth.

my dds homework is often late, her hair is often tatty

im shouting way more than i ever did before and generally have far less patience

i had my children young and it fee

shit sorry got to go

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads Fri 19-May-06 19:07:58

I've been completely crap this week. Am looking forward to a glass of wine, and putting this week behind me.

bubblez Fri 19-May-06 19:08:43

I think everyone has days when they feel like that, I can say that I've been there before... you're not alone!

jollymum Fri 19-May-06 19:09:07

I say this every day to my dh and it's usually when I've watched a "parenting" programme. Mine are older now and I wish I could start again sometimes! However, they're all well and alive, little sh..s but alive. I watched the news today and thought about that lad that got stabbed. Fifteen and what a waste of a life. I tell mine sometimes that if they do drugs etc etc and get themselves killed, young drivers and all that, that I'll be furious with them!! One day at a time, and you are obviously not dong too bad if you're talking about stuff. The crap mums are the ones who leave their kids to fend for themselves whilst they're doing drugs, whatever etc.. Cheer up, we're all here for a moan.

nicnack2 Fri 19-May-06 19:09:45

me too. Just had a bathtime from hell DS1 marched to bed screaming, sobbing etc. DH now away to pacify. Large red wine comimg my way. tomorrow is another day

Ledodgyherring Fri 19-May-06 19:10:13

I always feel like this, everyday I find i'm turning into my mother and feel i'm pulling the same faces I hated when she pulled them when I was little. I feel guilty that I don't do arts and crafts 24/7 or when I don't get as much one on one time with my baby ds. I think motherhood brings with it alot of guilt and doubt but also I think the fact we are worrying about our ability as parents suggests than we are better than we think. If we were truly rubbish we would not care.

TheLadyVanishes Fri 19-May-06 19:10:53

all the time!!!!
when she won't eat and when she won't sleep and nothing i do seems to work, but i wouldn't be without her and at night when she is tucked up in her cot I look at her and its all worth it.

ComeOVeneer Fri 19-May-06 19:14:54

I feel like this often too. My main concern is I don't feel I give them enough of my attention. DH works really long hours (he hasn't been home before 1am this week) so I am essentially a single parent most of the time. Feeding, bathing, cleaning teeth etc etc all all done, but with all the housework etc as well, I rarely seem to have enough time for the fun things. A lot of the time they either play by themselves or "help" me with whatever chore I am doing .

jollymum Fri 19-May-06 19:16:29

Just thought of something else-I bet there's people on here sooo envious that we have children and care so much about them. I wish so much babydust for people trying..

FrannySmith Fri 19-May-06 19:19:34

Losinggrip, I agree that the fact you care about this shows that you are not a crap parent. I am sure a lot of us can relate to the things you describe doing. If you feel things are getting steadily worse - why is this? Are you extra tired? Maybe a little depressed? Is there anything you can do to improve your own situation because you sound a little worn down and low about yourself. Is there anyone that could help you out, could you afford to pay someone to help you, or could you get more time to yourself in some way or just go to bed earlier so you are not so tired?

I don't know if you have heard of Parentline but they are excellent at supporting parents who are feeling this way and the service is free. You can get their number off the web, it could help to talk to someone trained to advise you as well as letting off steam here.

ComeOVeneer Fri 19-May-06 19:20:39

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't be without them, but sometimes do wish the world would stop spinning for a day or two to let me catch up with everything. Its like I am running all the time but stay in the same spot.

motherinferior Fri 19-May-06 19:21:23

I feel like that a lot - to the point where I've seriously thought my daughters would be better off without me as a mother; but it's also been forcefully pointed out to me that my children are clearly doing quite well, and that I can't be that awful.

unicorn Fri 19-May-06 19:22:27

oh this is me.
I reckon if there was some sort of test done before I had kids I would have failed completely.

I am so not the 'maternal' sort, and feel I do everything wrong virtually all the time.

I think we do have so much to live up to these days - years ago they just procreated and didn't analyse. I think our kids will probably be fine... but us... hmmm!

handlemecarefully Fri 19-May-06 19:28:17

That's it in a nutshell unicorn - years ago they didn't analyse at all, must have been so much easier in that respect (if not others)

motherinferior Fri 19-May-06 19:31:35

Yes, but many of those parents were dreadful. Hence us, agonising wildly.

And probably doing a decent job because of the agonising, of course.

charmkin Fri 19-May-06 19:40:41

Had this very conversation with my mother who looks after ds when I work 2 days a week and she loves it, talks about it, spends hours playing with him. I have 3 days housework to catch up on, school run ( we walk) in the rain and ds doing my head in. Ended up saying that I should work full time and let her do it all!

But then remembered that I haven't slept for ooo a YEAR and am trying to work with 2 kids and live within our means and have a relationship with my husband and have a social life and look half decent when I leave the house and realised

it's bloody hard work really and it's amazing that we've survived this far really.

Someone once told me that there is no one waiting to give you a prize for the mother of the year award. Just do the best you can and get through the day...

blueteddy Fri 19-May-06 19:48:55

Message withdrawn

FairyMum Fri 19-May-06 20:10:06

I don't feel that way, but then I don't watch any parenting programmes. My children seem happy and we have a good relationship. Of course I sometimes behave like the wicked witch with them, but it's only healthy for children to see that their parents can get angry and upset too. I think too many parents spend too much time feeling guilty and thinking they ar enot good enough instead of just enjoying your children!

FilyjonktheSnibbet Fri 19-May-06 20:26:49

do you seriously think you might be really not doing very well?

because, yes, I often feel like I'm doing a lousy job. Like today, ds, who is 2.8 and has been potty trained for about 5 months, decided to pee on my 5 page, hand drawn assigment that was due in. because he thought that would be funny. And my god, did I shout at him! At times like this I know I should probably sit him down and say something along the lines of "Mummy loves you very much but she is not happy that you peed on her drawing, that made mummy sad...yada yada..." but in all seriousness, I am human and I was furious that I have to redo all that work. That happens, to at least 98% of mums, and I think must be nearer 100% of mums of 2.

But on the other hand, if you think it is more, maybe you need to talk to someone outside. Why is it they don't brush their teeth or hair? Is it that you feel too tired with it all to bother? It could be that you're depressed, or just emotioanlly completely drained.

So just cos you're worrying doesn't mean you're not doing well, but that doesn't mean there isn't something there that needs sorting.

Emotional stuff is the real key. You can get away with all sorts if you honestly and truly keep good comminication going.

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