Should I intervene when DP is shouting unnecessarily at our DD?

[newfashionedmum]

Our DD has a referral to camhs for anxiety and behaviour issues... She has lots of risk factors that might be contributing to some of the things that seem to be happening. Although she is 8 there are times when she's much younger emotionally.

Without going into detail and making this post too long, this morning DP shouted at her for refusing to do something which seemed irrational to him for her not to do but wasn't really a big deal in itself... He was just frustrated that she wouldn't do as she was asked (it seemed to me like one of her anxiety tics but I think he just saw her getting in the way of getting stuff done)

I think he has some mental health problems, he is always saying he needs head space and escaping to the spare room and computer upstairs ( no not porn or gambling, but computer gaming or just general surfing) he also has problems with alcohol and is trying to stop drinking. He manages ok with willpower but is then really irritable when he's not drinking.

So I suppose I'm setting the context that I think he shouts at her unnecessarily because of tiredness/ frustration / illness. This morning he'd only had 5 hrs sleep and had been saying last night he needed headspace, despite us having a 3 day weekend to ourselves as DD was away at grandmas.

I have a really strong urge to intervene when he shouts and pushes her around ( i think he did but i didnt see) because it feels so wrong and unfair for DD, but I don't know whether I am making things worse if I do that. He thinks she's defiant because I'm too soft on her, and that the way I parent is part of the problem. The last time I tried to intervene he started shouting at me which seemed more worrying for her. I think she refuses to do things because she feels panicked, quite often if you talk to her about why she won't do something she does have a reason which makes sense to her.

Any thoughts? By the way camhs have seen me and DP together and we have all agreed there's probably work for us all to do together... But that will be a good few weeks away and I don't want to be wondering what to do next time this happens. It was so upsetting, I cried when they'd left the house this morning.

[MissLurkalot]

Yes, intervene. I have on occasion, and my oh with me.
Sometime I know the bigger picture more, and he's focusing on one small thing... And nobody wants a stage three melt down on the way to school.
I think my oh knows to pick the battles, or to nip things in the bud quicker, before they go down the slippy hill.

[wonderingagain]

What are the other things that you say are contributing to her anxiety?

[newfashionedmum]

Other things?.. i'm her adoptive mum, her birth mum died when she was a baby. So all the trauma and separation anxiety that goes with that. There is a family history on birth mums side of depression, suicide ( her birth mum didn't commit suicide) , on dads ( my DPs) side of alcoholism and abusive behaviour. Relationship between myself and DP is difficult, we are friendly to each other sometimes but also lots of hostility, his irritability, my disapproval. She has been struggling at school CBS despite being very bright ( teachers assessment as well as ours of course!) she can't focus and concentrate at school...very easily distracted. So I'm inclined to think she needs extra care, patience and understanding. He thinks she needs 'managing'. He's irritable with me too though, tho he doesn't raise his voice with me as much his facial expressions say it all.

[WoTmania]

I agree that you should intervene. I do when I feel my DH is unnecessarily shouting. IMO children need ot know that if they aren't in the wrong someone will stick up for them and be on their side.
Reading your second post I suspect you are right that she needs lots of TLC etc.

[wonderingagain]

It sounds as though she has the odds stacked against her but it won't be impossible to make sure she is OK. What do you think needs to happen for her to be OK?

Continuing to live with your DP will be impossible for her unless he changes. I suspect he's always been like this and always will be?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He thinks she's defiant because I'm too soft on her

Some partners start bandying words like spoilt, mollycoddled, demanding etc around when at the root of it, they resent the amount of attention their partner gives the child.

Not wanting to give offence by trying to make ill-founded accusations about your DP newfashionedmum but do you ever get the feeling he is, for want of a better word, sometimes a bit jealous?

The drinking issue alone is going to play a part I am sure.