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6 yr old sleeps in my bed

(10 Posts)
northwick Mon 06-May-13 02:20:33

It has only just occurred to me that perhaps the reason why marriage failed and i ended up having a brief interlude with another man, resulting in the ultimate demise of the relship with dad - is perhaps due to our son having always come to our bed.
Now that i am alone and feeling abandoned and often times low, sad and depressed, I am struggling to get him out and into his own room. this has not been helped by much upheavals coz we have moved so often and are due to move again in a couple of months.
thing i dont understand and would really love some clear feedbak on, is why it is purported to have such damage to him long term - some theories have been suggested - that he is taking on my needs and therefore unable to be a child and this will affect him later etc etc
also i read about sexual development going awry.

Please if anyone has knowledge, experience or evidence for this stuff, please do share with me. I am struggling to separate myself and especially struggle to be firm and consistent - so i think i need some cognitive therapy - ie a good strong argument explaining why it is detrimental to him (when he so clearly loves the closeness and the cuddles) that will lodge in my mind and enable me to stick firm with the process when I do start to work on getting him out.

of course, advice for getting him to sleep in his own bed would be much appreciated too

thank you

Droflove Mon 06-May-13 08:57:57

I dont think you have done anything terribly damaging to him, but it sounds like it may have affected you. I doubt it was the reason your relationship didnt work but may have contributed. Don't make it into a bigger thing than it is because then you will mistakenly believe that by fixing this, you will fix everything. That is simply not the case. I think you need to separate the sleeping in your bed at 6 yrs old thing from all your worries and issues in your own life. You haven't done your child any harm I am sure but maybe its time now to let him learn to be on his own and to grow up a little by sleeping in his own big boy bed. I am sure you will miss him and he you but there has to be a point where he gets some independence and 6 seems like the right time as he may start chatting to his friends and you don't want him to be bullied or teased about sleeping in his mums bed. 7-8-9 really is too old for this I think. Just my personal opinion.

So start the process of moving him out. Not because you have done him any harm, or because it will solve any of your problems, but because its time for this.

Droflove Mon 06-May-13 09:04:04

Didnt give any advice on how to do this but maybe at 6 he is able to have a proper conversation about this? Try explaining that you will be doing this and why (because he is a big boy and is too old to sleep in with mum. None of his friends do etc.). Then try to phase it in by getting him to go to bed in his own bed at first at least. Maybe try to incentivise it by building a lovely routine around his own bed like a good bedtime story, cuddles, a special night light that goes on etc. Get him a clock that he can read so he knows when he can go in to you for morning cuddles, like make a rule that he can only go in from 6am.

Good luck.

northwick Mon 06-May-13 11:27:59

thank you - thats great advice and very clear
you are right about separating out the issues and not making too much of it but gently now encouraging him

thanks so much

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 06-May-13 11:53:39

I agree with the above but also think if there have been a lot if changes recently he might need that comfort and reassurance for a while longer.

I don't think there is any harm in sleeping with your child, after all just a few generations ago many did out of necessity. However it is important for him to have his own space and the option of his own bed. But if it is not feeling right to you any more you could definitely encourage a move gently. The advice above is good smile

Just also, it might be that he gets more unsettled at first rather than less, but if you can push through it he will get better. I'd pick a time though when he seems settled and happy with life generally rather than doing it if there are other issues going on. Then you will know that he's unsettled due to this change and not something else.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 06-May-13 12:04:49

Or actually perhaps you could use the move as a fresh start. Is he going to have his own room and will you be able to decorate it? If so you could start talking to him about it now, discussing what kind of room he wants - doctor who or angry birds or a football theme or space, or just choosing the colour of the walls or curtains, posters and bed sheets if you can't decorate.

If he's nervous about sleeping alone he could choose a special you to keep him company, maybe a nightlight or torch,DS is doctor who mad and has a sonic screwdriver in case any monsters come! The other thing we do is that I put some "special kisses" in hid hand which he can put under his pillow to keep safe and if he misses me he can reach and get one. And if he's used to you being there when he falls asleep you can always sit on the bed or in the room with him while he goes to sleep and then work up to leaving by saying you need to go to the toilet - leave for 5 mins, come back, slowly increase the time until he's reliably asleep when you come back. Story CDs can help too.

Good luck! smile

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 06-May-13 12:05:53

A special TOY, not you!

MortifiedAdams Mon 06-May-13 12:09:14

Would you be able to allow him to sleep in your bed once a week as a treat? My DF used to work away Sun-Thur and DM used to let ne sleep in her bed when he wasnt there. She soon realised that I would possibly resent him coming home and being 'ousted' from the bed every weekend.

Much as she wanted me there, she started saying I could choose one night a week to have a 'sleepover' (I usually picked a sunday incase he came over).

You could have Friday Night Sleepover and do a pizza for tea and then a movie in bed?

northwick Fri 17-May-13 21:49:23

well thanks for all the support and great suggestions!
he actually managed 2 nights in a row, all night long this week (last night he begged to come back and I was so tired I didnt have it in me to say no), but i think i am on the right track - and as you say, do it when he is feeling settled in general and confident.
also ideas about coinciding it more with a move is also a great plan.

thanks ;)

EnglishRose1320 Mon 20-May-13 20:39:52

My son is 7 and I really struggle to get him to sleep in his bed, we go through good patches and bad patches (depends how tired I am) at the minute I sit on a spare mattress in his room and read til he falls asleep, seems to help him but I make it clear that I will be going to bed in my room so he knows I am not staying in his room all night.

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