phone call from school today

[shockedandworried]

I need some perspective on something that happened today. Had a phone call from ds' school. Apparently his best friend was crying coming into school today, and it transpired that it was because on Friday ds (5) put the little boy's hand down the back of his trousers. The school are punishing ds by keeping him at playtime this week.

I was obviously a bit shocked. Ds has never done anything like this before (to my knowledge) I have 2 older dds at the school and they have never been in any kind of trouble. I've talked to ds about it, and he can't say why he did it. He is upset, and we've established that it isn't ok to do this (which I thought he would have known anyway). I've tried asking him but he just keeps saying he doesn't know. I've tried to ask if it was a joke/ did he think it would be funny. I know how the school will be thinking, and I've asked if he's ever had this done to him/ seen anyone else doing it, he says no. The 3 kids are nearly always together out of school and I am pretty sure there is nothing sinister going on, but I just don't understand why he would do this, and he can't tell me . Having said that "I don't know" is his standard answer for "Why did you kick your sister/ play with mum's things/ kick the ball at the washing?" He is 5. I know it might be difficult for him to articulate thoughts etc, but I wish he could just give me some sort of explanation, but I don't want to be too heavy handed with him, iyswim

I have to speak to his teacher tomorrow. We've had a long talk with ds about privacy and boundaries, but I'm not sure I really want to "punish" him, although I have said no Wii or computer tonight. I'm fine with the school keeping him in, but I'm worried his little friend won't want to be friends with him any more, or that the little friend's mum won't . They have been friends since nursery. I'm also paranoid the school will think that we abuse him somehow at home

Can anyone give me some perspective on this, from a school/ parent pov?? Really not sure what I should be doing.

[ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged]

It sounds to me like a childish innocent thing - they are obsessed with poo and bums and think anything to do with them is hilarious at that age. Please don't read too much into it or worry unduly about it.

[5318008]

yes, what Reluctantly said

you have done the right thing by addressing the need to respect boundaries and privacy

[QOD]

Have you asked if he was just trying to fart on his friends hand? Kids can be gross, some boys in dds class when she was tiny, used to catch farts and thrown them in faces ...

[ChippingInLovesSpring]

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this behaviour from 5 year olds... it's just the stupid kind of thing they do with no real reason - just because. Of course they need to be told not to, but beyond that they really don't need punishing. It was your DS this time, it's just as likely to be her DS next time doing something equally daft.

Really - don't worry about it.

[Margetts]

Don't get upset he is only 5. He would have had no idea what he was doing. Schools have a habit of blowing things out of proportion

[shockedandworried]

Thank you so much, guys! I feel so upset and stressed about it- I did think it might be "normal" boy behaviour, but nowadays everything like this seems to be looked into so much more. I hate the thought of my gregarious outgoing little ds being ostacized or labelled as some kind of molester

Feel so much better that a most of you wouldn't worry. Ds is completely unashamed of his body, and I don't want to come down on him all draconian and make him feel embarassed by it. I hope we have got across the idea of privacy, though.

[TheCrackFox]

Sometimes 5 yr old boys do the grossest things. He won't do it again so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[tumbletumble]

I agree with Reluctantly. It's the kind of thing which might have sinister connotations but is much more likely just to be a 5 year old messing around. Try not to worry too much.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

He's 5. He was more than likely just messing around. Boys of 5 are obsessed with willies poos and bums imo it gets worse until they're about 19

[Floralnomad]

It sounds like the school are massively overreacting ,do you know the other mother because I would imagine she has made one hell of a scene about this .

[shockedandworried]

I do know the other mum a little- ds and her boy have been friends since nursery, so I have chatted to her on a fair few occasions.

I think the issue for the school (and for me) is that the other little boy was so upset, and didn't want to come into school today. I don't think ds really would have meant to upset his friend- they are usually giggling and playing races together, and the other little boy seems (or seemed) to be genuinely fond of ds. I don't think the school would have made such an issue of it otherwise.

I'll have to go up to collect the kids from school tomorrow, and I might see if I can talk to ds' friend's mum, just to apologise profusely, and see how upset she is Hate things like this- I feel like a criminal!

Really do appreciate your thoughts and perspective. I don't want to blow this out of all proportion, but I don't want to under-react either.

[amistillsexy]

Our school has massively over-reacted IMO to a similar incident. DS's friend (both 5 YO) bit DS on the bum when he was crawling out of the tent in the home corner.

When I went to pick up, a very embarrassed and apologetic TA whispered this to me dramatically, and asked me what I wanted them to do about it? I laughed and said that his bottom does look like a peach, and I wasn't a bit concerned (neither was DS. At all).

Next thing, the mum of DS's poor friend texted me with huge apologies. She'd been called in to school. The boy had been given 'week long' punishments in school, and she'd been strongly encouraged to 'punish' him at home.

As the mother of the 'victim', I hadn't made any kind of fuss at all, and I was horrified at the school potentially spoiling a lovely (if sometimes a little over-enthusastic!) friendship.

Also, I think, if we're expected to carry on punishments for things that happened when they are in school, then school should do the same for us. I'd love to see their reaction..'Little Johnny wouldn't brush his teeth last night. Can you make sure he does it every playtime for a week, just to get my point across?'

[Floralnomad]

I really wouldn't worry about it ,as long as he knows not to do it again there is not much more you can be reasonably expected to do . The other little boy must be very sensitive for it to upset him that much .

[cornydash]

school are punishing a 5 year old for something that happened last weeK? That's really excessive.
The other boy may well have been upset for some other reason but was unable to verbalise it.

[amistillsexy]

Oh, sorry, OP, I missed the bit about the other boy being upset. that does make a difference. Have the school done anything to patch things up between the boys?

If not, can you get your little boy to make a nice card or something to give to his friend (via the mum, not in school, I'd say), so he shows he still wants to be friends? I would speak to the mum, say how sorry you and DS are, and ask is her DS is OK, just to break the ice as it were.

[shockedandworried]

Ds says he has apologised to his friend, and says his friend still wants to be friends with him... But I like the idea of him making a little card. the friend's mum has always seemed fairly easy-going, so I'm hoping apologies will placate her.

cornydash- that's another thing to think about. I was more upset about ds's little friend being so upset by ds. It was the little boy's sister who "told" what had happened, so I suppose that might not have been the only reason he was upset.

[PlasticLentilWeaver]

I got told DS1 had touched a girl inappropriately. He was 3 at the time. I asked what they meant by 'inappropriate'. Nursery said he had been stroking her in the groin region (fully clothed). I asked DS1 what was going on. Turns out the girl had a sequinned skirt on, he hadn't ever seen one before and wanted to touch the sparkly bits.

[Coffeeformeplease]

OP, there are lots of similar things happening on playgrounds everywhere every day. It's pretty common that 5 year olds still have to learn the boundary thing. They are like puppies, and most of the time act on a silly idea immediately before thinking about it.
I would find out how upset the other boy was or if it was blown out of proportion by the school.
At my children's primary school we had 5 year olds pulling their trousers down to compare willies
My daughter was unconcerned at the time, she'd seen it all before because she has a little brother.
The school reacted very well, they had a chat about privacy and all that in class, agreed they wouldn't do it again. End of.

My almost reception child chased her "boyfriend" around the pre-school playground last week at pick up time because she wanted to kiss him. All quite normal at that age. They are very innocent and have to be talked to gently, imo.

[amistillsexy]

Oh that's just awful !

I seriously think the whole world's gone mad if a boy stroking sparkles on a skirt is accused of 'inappropriate touching'.

In my opinion, the crime there is Nursery staff who have no understanding of children, and too much understanding of ridiculous Daily Fail style stories and crappy online 'safeguarding training' (I've just been forced to suffer this. Believe me, it was dire, and would leave one to believe that every parent is a latent sexual molester, every child subject to all sorts of images and actions!).

I just wish children could be seen as children, first and foremost , with child-like motivations. The boy who bit my son's bottom told his mum it looked juicy, which it does . That doesn't make it sexual, for a couple of 5 year olds! It makes that particular little boy very observant and enquiring (and unaware of DS3's Trumping abilities!).

[morethanpotatoprints]

You have definitely done the right thing and your little boy is normal.
I also don't like the schools stance if I'm being honest. A punishment should be given as soon after the event as possible. Otherwise dc can spend all weekend worrying if something they did on friday will be punishable on monday. Yes the teacher should check that you have handled the situation well, establish this and move on.
I also second that little boys are obsessed with poo, bums and willies at this age and its all part of learning about their bodies ffs.
Please don't punish him and I'd be telling school they can't neither. Perhaps get your dc to apologise in front of his mum, then forget about it.
Also not sure if already mentioned but the other dc could have been upset by something else, not been able to say and blamed the incident on friday, you never know.

[Floralnomad]

All these tales do make you wonder if some teachers actually know anything about 'normal' childhood behaviour .

[shockedandworried]

Thank you all again- I feel soo much better

Ds said his friend didn't seem upset on Friday, and they parted friends as usual. He also says his friend was happy to play with him today- surely this means he can't be too upset?

I feel much better prepared to chat to the teacher now- will tell her that ds is sorry, that we have had a long talk about boundaries/ privacy etc, and that it won't happen again. I won't punish ds, because I'm not sure he realises why what he did was so wrong- or didn't at the time. Apparently it happened in the dining hall, so it wasn't as if he was trying to do something covertly!

I'll definitely speak to the other boy's mum too- I hope their little friendship can be saved, as they always seemed to get on so well together.

Feel I have a lot better perspective on this now- thank you all!