Ok I think I'm brave enough - AIBU?(31 Posts)
Ok so hopefully this won't be too long.
I have 2 ds - ds1 is 2.9 years, ds2 is 3 months old.
DP works days driving petrol tankers so as I'm worried about him getting enough sleep I suggested he sleep in the spare room during the week (he doesn't work weekends). Ds1 has never been a very good sleeper and gets up around once or twice a night, ds2 is an horrific sleeper! I know he's only 3 months but all my friends babies are sleeping through and they're younger than him. He wakes every 1-3 hours and is quite a grumpy baby in the day too so as you can imagine I'm not getting a lot of sleep. I've got health visitor making regular visits as she's worried I may be developing post natal depression.
Anyway, the point to this thread is I get no help at all from DP. He's started sleeping in spare room on a Friday night too to 'catch up on sleep', and then when he sleeps in our bed on a Saturday to 'give me a break' I end up having to wake him up to get up with either of them and even getting up myself as its easier. I'm exhausted and on the brink of a complete meltdown. He doesn't get it at all. I've got no other support network so it's all on me. I'm not expecting anyone to have either of them over night but even if my mum took them out for an hour it would help. Nobody seems to care and I'm really starting to struggle.
AIBU? Do you think DP should be doing more? Or is this how it is as a SAHM?
Thanks for reading this far
This may have already been suggested, sorry if it has, but could your dh take the toddler out on the weekends so you can sleep with the baby?
You poor thing, I've got a 2 year age gap between mine they are 1 and 3 now and I remember how exhausting those first few months were! I appreciate your DH needs sleep for work but so do you for your well being and your kiddies, I did all the night stuff with my two as babies as I ebf them both DD1 was pretty ok as a sleeper but DD2 was not! she fed every 2 hours or so until 7 months and at 13 months now still hasn't slept through! So your little guys sleep is not uncommon. My DH did all the getting up with DD1 while DD2 was tiny could your DH not do the same? If you've only got one to tend to the nights may not seem as long? Hope things look up but no YADNBU
Surely this whole 'men take longer to wake up at night' is a red herring? They don't have to do it or pretend to be asleep or whatever. You need to go away for a night at weekend with your friends and just leave him to it. I'm sure they'll survive when they have to. Otherwise it's pretty much akin to fathers who can't cope with 'babysitting' their own children.
My dh also takes far longer than I do to wake up at night if the children cry, and he has a sleep dependent job too so I do all the getting up. He does however give me a lie in at the weekend - we have one each. I suggest either requesting a lie in where your dp gets up with the kids and you get an extra few hours kip - can be tricky if you can hear them crying or yelling downstairs (ear plugs?). Or sleeping in the spare room yourself for one night and putting baby monitors with both kids, with the receiver turned right up close to his ear. That'll wake him....
Agree with everyone that YANBU. Being a SAHM with a baby & a toddler is exhausting when you're not getting enough sleep. I wonder, have you ever left him with both of them for a day at the weekends so he has a sense of that? Might be helpful...
I think you need to make clear to him how much you're struggling, and that, for a while, you need some help from him. Does he know the HV thinks you are a high PND risk?
I think the deal should be that he gets up Fri & Sat nights - but if you don't think you can swing that, I'd go for Fri night you get the spare room, AND a lie in - he gets to choose on Sat night if he stays in spare or main bedroom, but gets a lie in if he wants.
Perhaps you could also say that on Sat he gets an afternoon nap if he wants one (as he'll have been up in the night), and on Sunday you do.
In those early months when sleep is at a premium, I think it's something both parents need to prioritise for each other. It's not forever, and if it means you don't do your normal weekend stuff for a few months, then so be it.
NB My dp always did his fair share of night wakings, and on weekends we took turns to have a lie in - saved my sanity....
Can you go and sleep at a friend's house at the weekend so you're not disturbed by the DC?
You need sleep as a safety issue too. If you get too tired you could have an accident, just like your DH. May be worth making that point.
Have you asked your mum for help straight out or has she just not offered? If the latter say 'when can you take the children out for an hour and I will put it in the diary.'
"that's the joys of having children!" then he's missing out on a rather big, joyous part of his children's lives, and it's would be unfair of you to hog it all!
He either needs to let you go to bed early, say 8?, and deal with any disturbances until 11.30, then you take over, every night. Or he can sleep in the spare room Sun - Thurs, and you swap over Fri and Sat. If you're feeling generous, he could have a nap Sat afternoon.
You letting him get sleep before work is doing him a favour, because you are a team. He is not returning the same courtesy and it isn't on. He might be driving, but you are looking after two children, HIS two children. We all end up doing daft stuff when we're sleep deprived, but you both need to make sure it doesn't slip into you doing something unsafe
I am bf and dd only settles with feeding so I do all the night work. When dp is off he takes her in the morning so I can have a lie in. Your do definitely needs to do some of the night shift, his Friday catch up on his own is unreasonable.
My dh doesn't have a sleep reliant job but when I was on mat leave I didn't see the point in both of us waking up. So our arrangement was that I would do every night (in a separate room so dh would sleep) EXcEPT Friday night when dh would do the whole night and leave me in bed until 10am. Then on a Sunday morning he could sleep in until 10am.
We still have this arrangement on the weekend. Knowing you can have a lie in is amazing.
A couple of times he would comment on a Saturday that I couldn't"5 be tired as I'd had 12 hr sleep and I had to snap that 1 night didn't make up for 6 nights. He only said it a few times!
It also meant we didn't do much on a weekend becaus one of us was normally sleeping, but it wasn't like t for ever. Ask him to do one night and see how much better you fool.
My dp also drives at work so we both feel that sleep in very important for him in the week.
Our deal is that I wake up with ds every night, we ebf so there isn't much point in dp getting up to watch me bf anyway. Dp gets up at the weekend and I get a lie in
till 12 sometimes, I feel like a teenager again
A couple of weeks ago on a saturday night dp got up with me when ds woke up, I was especially tired and I felt I needed his support to keep me awake in the night, ds woke up around 3-4, on tuesday dp said to me "I'm still really tired from that saturday night" I told him that was how every night had been for the last 4 months and before ds was born I had pregnancy insomnia.
Your not alone in having a crap dp but just because he is not the only rubbish dp doesn't make it right!
If he doesn't help during the night he could at least get up in the mornings at the weekends so you can stay in bed. This is what my dp would do as I bf so had to feed during most night waking. It was (still is) a life saver.
Also I wouldn't compare you DC too much to what your friends tell you. 1-2 hours wake ups is pretty common around that age. Dd was every 45 mins around 4 months! Personally I suspect there are some small babies that sleep through that young but also lots of people who exaggerate a bit. It will get better in time but it is hell and your dp needs to give you his full support so you can all get through this period with sanity in tact!
What about naps in the day when he has got up, do you at least get that? He should gets up but my dh is a very heavy sleeper who does shifts, and by the time I'd kicked him awake when one of the children woke or early morning I was wide awake myself. Are you bottle feeding? If so definitely spare room with headphones one night, monitor by dh's ear so he wakes. I couldn't do that until well over a year as mine were both breastfed and fed a lot in the night but I did always go back to sleep and kick dh awake in the morning and have a lie in or day nap when he was off.
Apart from the sleep issue, how else does he help? Ie cooking, bath time, cleaning, ironing, gardening etc etc. And why can't he let you have a kip early evening when he gets home?
Thank you so much everyone. I thought maybe I was living on a different planet and being completely unreasonable. It's nice to know I'm not bring a complete monster. Yeah I'll mention ds2's restlessness to the HV tomorrow as maybe there is something wrong with him. He never seems to completely rest, he seems on edge a lot of the time. Doesn't help when all my friends with younger babies are sleeping the whole night. I'm not expecting him to sleep all night as he is still very young but more than 1-3 hours would be good.
Yes catching up on sleep in the day is not at all possible with my whirlwind of a toddler. I don't get any chance to catch up on sleep. If I did maybe I wouldn't feel so fed up.
The thing is even if DP agrees to me sleeping in spare room on one night, he's such a heavy sleeper that ds2 will cry for a good 10-15 mins before he gets up with him. By which time I'm wide awake and annoyed! I know the sleepless nights won't last forever but I feel like I have no way out right now. Im so unhappy.
orangepudding - the OP has two young children, who if I remember correctly, are seldom cooperative enough to arrange their naps for the same time so that she can sleep during the day.
OP, you need to have a serious talk with your DH, and don't let the conversation end until you are sure he absolutely understands what you need from him and why/how badly you need it.
If he still doesn't pull his weight, then I'm afraid you have deeper issues that need addressing, but that's a thread for another time.
Your dh is not pulling his weight, however I agree with CrazyOldCatLady wondering if something else is at the root of your little one being so unsettled. A friend of mine's ds1 was a terrible sleeper, cried most of the time during the day and was generally grizzly, turned out he had silent reflux so was uncomfortable most of the time. Different milk and the right medication sorted him out and my friend was like a new woman!
My dh was like this. AT the time I thought it was completely normal and it was only when talking to friends I realised that some men did get up and do their share.
Tbh our first 2 dc were very good sleepers-dc3 was more challenging and dh used to get really angry when he was woken up.Wish I had just told him to fuck off!
Keep talking to your hv and try and explain to your dp that you cannot carry on this way-I hope it improves for you.
They are his kids two.
He has worked all week. So have you. Weekends should be shared!
Oh wow! He sounds like an ignorant wanker!
If you're ff then there is no reason why you can't have the sleep you need.
Tell him he has 6 nights uninterrupted sleep and you need the other one. Sleep in the spare room just as he does until he gets what you're going through o your baby starts sleeping through.
I'm not a SAHM but when I was on maternity leave DH always did a share of getting up at night. They're his kids too!
I think you need to take yourself into the spare room on saturdays and leave him to it - bring earplugs if you need to! One night really does make an enormous difference, you wouldn't know yourself if you got that regularly.
Is the little guy okay? With the grumpiness during the day and the terrible sleep, I'd be wondering if there was something going on with him?
Your DH is being selfish, OP.
I think insuring the working person has sleep priority is not unreasonable in the week. BUT:
1. Your DH needs to help on both weekend nights.
2. Your DH needs to be prepared to help in the week should you have a particularly bad night.
And speaking as someone who is a heavy sleeper, and whose DH gets up with the (albeit older) DCs if necessary, sometimes I am fully aware that the DCs have woken up and pretend to be sleeping so that DH gets up!!! Don't be taken for a fool!
(BTW my DH is no saint. He is crap in the mornings on the w/e so I don't feel bad about him getting up in the night !).
No I'm FF so there is no excuse.
I'm just beyond exhausted and can't see any way out. He doesn't get it at all. Just tried speaking to him about it and his response was 'that's the joys of having children'. What!! They're his children too!!
You poor thing. Sounds exhausting.
Are you BF? Could you not sleep in the spare room on your night off?
My DH was equally useless when it was his turn as he is a heavy sleeper.
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