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should both children miss out if one misbehaved?

(19 Posts)
princessj29 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:09:07

My friend has 2 children and if they have a trip or treat planned and one misbehaved she stops whatever it is for both of them, figuring the scorn of their sibling is also punishment. I sort of see where she's coming from but think it's unfair on the innocent one. My youngest is too small for this to be relevant for me yet but I was wondering what you do in these situations assuming you don't have DH to help?

YBR Fri 19-Apr-13 11:48:08

If the mis-behaviour is serious enough to cancel the trip/treat and it is not possible to separate the two siblings then yes I'd do it, even though it seems unjust. Presumably both children know that is the deal and in that sense it is fair as they were warned.

survivingthechildren Fri 19-Apr-13 13:22:51

Ooh. This is one my mum used to do. "One for all, and all for one" she'd say. Whilst she was a fantastic mum, it was one of those things I
promised myself I'd never do when I had kids.

But as YBR says, if it's not something individual, i.e. a trip or treat, then it can be really hard. My DC have quite an age range (15-5) and this means what interests the youngest, the oldest doesn't care about, and vice versa. Makes things a tad easier.

TBH I think I come from the school of thought that, too bad you were the one to act out, so you won't be getting XYZ. Action, and consequence.

BackforGood Fri 19-Apr-13 13:42:44

The theory is different from how you can work round it in real life though. When they are too young to be able to be left home alone, it's a bit tricky to do anything but cancel it for them both. I don't like the theory of it, but have ended up doing it. I will do my best to take the others somewhere, but it's not always possible until the 'misbehaver' is olod enough to leave home alone, at which point they probably wouldn't be wanting to come out with you anyway.

SilverBellsandCockleShells Fri 19-Apr-13 13:44:08

I think a lot of it is logistical. If, say, you had planned a trip out to the zoo with both children and one misbehaved, you can't just leave the naughty child at home and go anyway. And leaving the miscreant at home with the other parent means there are two people looking after the children instead of one.

BastardDog Fri 19-Apr-13 13:45:51

I've done it too when mine were younger. You can't take one and leave the other home alone. It is unfair though. I'd try and make it up to the one that missed out unfairly in some other way or on another day.

AllSWornOut Fri 19-Apr-13 13:51:53

I think it also depends if the misbehaver is always the same child. If it's always the same child who spoils the treats for the others then I could imagine you'd be storing up huge resentment for the future.

GladbagsGold Fri 19-Apr-13 13:54:37

I think I would postpone a treat for both, explaining that both DC needed to behave nicely/get 10 stickers/whatever, before we went. So 'good' child doesn't miss out altogether and 'naughty' child gets a chance to put things right.

But I am quite instantly strict on my DC so it would be difficult for them to do something bad enough to have a trip cancelled, as they would already have been in trouble for whatever it was and had the consequence, iyswim. Any really dreadful behaviour from my DC tends to be due to tiredness/hunger which is really my responsibility rather than theirs.

kelb6180 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:57:04

I've struggled with this one for years, my middle daughter is not someone who is really naughty but sometimes moody and rude and in general out for herself. Very difficult situation. I've learnt that you have to find a different punishment.

AllDirections Fri 19-Apr-13 18:53:57

I don't ever cancel anything if it would impact on my well behaved DC (and on me). I find other punishments/sanctions to use instead.

MMolly Thu 25-Apr-13 18:50:08

When I was a child and my Mum cancelled a treat because my younger brother was naughty I used to get really angry and hate my brother for ages afterwards. I don't think it's a good idea to cancel the treat for both/all children if it's not their fault. Maybe leave the other one with a Grandparent/relative or punish them in another way.

Lavenderhoney Sat 27-Apr-13 05:09:28

I don't do that as I don't think the family should miss out due to one child. Also, I wonder if the child doesn't really want to go, so knows it might be canceled if they play up.

I choose something appropriate for them only, such as no tv, or no bike riding for an afternoon.

claraschu Sat 27-Apr-13 05:15:29

I wouldn't do this either.

I hate it when teachers punish the whole class for the transgressions of a few children. Very lazy and unfair, leads to anger resentment and possibly bullying-

wannabedomesticgoddess Sat 27-Apr-13 05:28:49

I havent come across this yet as DD2 is still tiny. But no I wouldnt do it.

A punishment should only affect whoever "committed the crime" so to cancel a trip for both would be unfair. I would have to find a punishment for just one.

WaitingForMe Sat 27-Apr-13 05:52:53

I wouldn't and have sat and taken my shoes off in order to stay at home with DSS1 while DH and DSS2 went to do an activity. DSS1 promptly got his act together, stopped the tantrum and promised to be good. Both boys know I follow through on my threats.

It really took the shine off things for DSS2 though who was looking very smug about having Daddy all to himself!

CreatureRetorts Sat 27-Apr-13 09:02:53

It feels horribly manipulative to punish them via the scorn of the other sibling. Does she have a sibling she didn't get on with? I'd find another punishment tbh.

pictish Sat 27-Apr-13 09:05:07

I wouldn't do it. I'd think of another consequence to administer.

pictish Sat 27-Apr-13 09:06:58 brother was pretty awful to me when we were growing up, and so in my home, good relations between siblings are kinda sacred. I wouldn't manipulate them into the negative to suit my own ends, no. That seems unthinkable to me.

alienbanana Sat 27-Apr-13 09:09:29

I really hate this. My sister would deliberately act up so that mum would cancel a trip because she knew it would upset me more. Its divisive and mean, especially if you have one child more prone to bad behaviour

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