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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

DH was called a bully in B&Q yesterday.

71 replies

sandyballs · 15/05/2006 10:25

Our twin 5 year old DDs were running around the place, being really loud and hyper, despite several warnings from us. On the escalator they ran ahead of us and were running up and down it, so DH picked them up by the back of their jackets and removed them from the escalator and gave them a talking to. This didn't hurt them but they both started crying. A middle aged man and his wife who had witnessed all this, walked by DH and told him he was a bully . I couldn't believe it and really really wished I had said something back, but I was too surprised. DH asked him to repeat what he had said and he said it again really loudly, "You are a bully". . This is really bothering me for some reason, he's one of the least bullying type of men you could ever meet, he was just trying to discipline his kids.

OP posts:

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cod · 15/05/2006 10:26

i dont like the lifting by coats tbh

suzywong · 15/05/2006 10:27

it must have looked horrible to a passer by
I can understand why your dh did it but tbh I am very very glad that the man and his wife said something as that kind of public interference will help to keep the bullies in check. Good for them

Sorry

heavenis · 15/05/2006 10:30

You'll always get people who will tell you what they think. As long as you know what your dh is like then that is fine. Don't let it bother you,are strangers really worth it.

lucykate · 15/05/2006 10:31

i think, when it comes to diciplining your children in public, you're damed if you do, and damed if you don't unfortunatley. if he had ignored them, it would have been 'look at those parents letting their kids run wild on an escalator'.

puddle · 15/05/2006 10:32

'DH picked them up by the back of their jackets' does sound horrid.

But he was right to remove them - it's dangerous to play on an escalator.

bubblez · 15/05/2006 10:39

Personally I think that parents are all too quickly jumped apon for the way they discipline their children. IMO your husband handled the situation quite well, if it was my dd and she had been given warnings, she would have had a swift smack on her hand and been taken outside.

I agree that it is agrivating that people can pass judgement on someone who they dont know and about a situation that does not concern them.

The fact is that, that same 'old man' is probably just as quick to comment on the 'youth of todays' lack of respect and discipline.

If I was your dh i would have told him to, with all due respect, 'mind his own'.

bubblez · 15/05/2006 10:40

and i agree with lucykate

cod · 15/05/2006 10:41

i always find if i am wihtout my kids and see kids crying in shops( cos theya re broed normally) then i really feel for the kids
not whne they are mine though!:)

cod · 15/05/2006 10:41

i always find if i am wihtout my kids and see kids crying in shops( cos theya re broed normally) then i really feel for the kids
not whne they are mine though!:)

NotAnOtter · 15/05/2006 10:41

horrid people -ignore

(imo lifting by coats better than arm-dragging)

Aero · 15/05/2006 10:55

Well, I don't know so much about lifting by coats, but I believe that he was right to remove them from escalator as this is a dangerous place for them to be mucking about, and a stern word regarding this is important imo. Dd has had a near miss by mucking about on an escalator. She just ran off after ds1 who was halfway up before I could stop him, telling me he'd meet me at the top. We weren't even going to use it as I had ds2 with me in the buggy and was heading for lift. She tripped, but luckily righted herself before getting to the top, but I was on my own and didn't know whether to abandon buggy and run or not. Split second panic thing. So went for emergency stop option - button for which is totally impossible to spot if you are panicking btw!! Bloke in customer service desk shouted at me re 'allowing' kids to 'play' on escalators and I was mortified, but he didn't shift off his backside to help!! Was angry at the time, both with my dc and with him for embarrassing me, yet doing nothing to help when he could see my dd was in trouble. Could have been much worse, and believe me, ds1 and dd were both given a talking to and will never do such a thing again. Could have been a nasty accident if she hadn't managed to pick herself up in time. Felt like the world's worst parent at that point.

Btw - both of them know how to use escalators safely as they've often been on them with me or dh, but this happened in a second before I could stop it.

Chloe55 · 15/05/2006 10:55

I can't see the problem in them being lifted by their coats, presumably this was the quickest/easiest method for removing two children who were playing on something that could have hurt them. Your dh didn't hurt them in anyway so I can't see what the old man's problem was. It would have upset me if a passerby commented on my/dh parenting.

Like Suzywong says it is good that an onlooker has the courage to step in if he sees something he thinks is bullying but from what you say it sounds like he stepped in unecessarily.

YellowFeathers · 15/05/2006 11:00

Agree with others.
Coat lifting might not look nice but in these circumstances...
Maybe they don't have kids so don't know any better.
I certainly wouldn't have thought your dh was a bully though for doing it.

sandyballs · 15/05/2006 11:04

Thanks for all your replies. I think that is very true Lucykate, we'd have been criticised for doing nothing if we had just let them continue running wild. And an escalator can be dangerous, as many of you have said. I shall forget about it. I'm very surprised that my DH didn't say something back to him.

OP posts:

heavenis · 15/05/2006 11:06

Your Dh wouldn't have been expecting someone to say anything and he was busy making sure your dd's didn't get hurt.

Earlybird · 15/05/2006 11:09

There were two of you, and two children. I think when you saw them starting to get wild, you should have each taken one of them by the hand until they calmed down/behaved. I've learned with dd that sometimes warnings don't work, and I must take action sooner to prevent the situation from escalating. I know how awful it is in public when they misbehave because it can be so stressful....

bubblez · 15/05/2006 11:16

Is it really so commendable that an onlooker thought that they had the right to say something to sandyballs dh?? I mean, if he was chasing the children round with a stick, or using an excessive amount of force, or smacking them inapropriaty (eg too hard or on the face) then fair enough. But why should any tom, dick or harry feel as though they have the right to pass judgement on a parent who clearly handled the situation as they felt it best.

It seem funny to me that the public are so fast to judge a parent that disciplines they're child/children but not as fast to see that those 'well behaved' children are that way because they have recieve good discipline.

anniemac · 15/05/2006 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniemac · 15/05/2006 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/05/2006 11:37

I dont like the sound of lifting them by their coats but other than that i cant see a problem with your DH disciplining his kids.

bummer · 15/05/2006 11:46

I know what people mean about lifting them by their coats BUT sometimes you have to grab your children before they escape again otherwise you end up chasing them all over the place. The man's statement seems a bit over the top though.

Don't let it upset you. Some people will speak up to someone who looks as if they wont answer back and leave the real baddies alone.

bubblez · 15/05/2006 12:18

AMEN anniemac!!!

lazycow · 15/05/2006 12:31

Can someone tell me exactly HOW to get two (note the word two) children off an escalator when they won't do as they are told without it looking like you are using force? You are using force whatever way you do it and in my opinion it is appropriate force to pick them up by the jacket.

The other way is to drag them by the arm and that can result in dislocated shoulders etc (though we have all done that too)

So come on guys let's have a bit of parental sympathy here. God I despair

FWIW Sandyballs I think your dh did the right thing completely.

Caligula · 15/05/2006 12:37

What's wrong with picking them up by their coats? If you need to pick 2 of them up together very quickly to prevent an accident, you do it however you can safely. Seems quite a good option to me, though I would never be able to do it becuase I'm not strong enough. (Even for one)

Feistybird · 15/05/2006 12:38

He's not a bully, he did what needed to be done, both for their safety and for your sanity.

Forget it.

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